JGM: Knights?

Okay, okay, I know that the Theory of Rita-tivity implies that Gary L. Stewart’s letter can be immediately discounted due to agreeing with Rita Crowell. Still.

Talk show host Chuck Bates declared that the present statistic of daily abortions is 4,000. If this is true, it’s so sad.

Talk show hosts are always reliable! Does anyone know how to say “talk show host” in Latin? In the meantime I will dub this fallacy argumentum ad Mauryeum.

Also, everyone, please understand, if Congress does not repeal the health care bill, billions of dollars taken from us will be given to Planned Parenthood to pay for even more innocent lives to end. Innocent blood sacrificed to the god of Mammon or to the evil people who seem to hate human beings for whatever reason.

I know I beat this into the ground, but do anti-choicers ever freakin’ listen to themselves? Jeez.

Last November we put 80 more knights of good in place to defend our children and grandchildren. There is more hope for them than before.

About your “knights of good”…

– They’re OK with your children and granchildren being forced into marriage.

– They’re OK with your children and grandchildren being raped- as long as it’s not by force.

With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to “forcible rape.” This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible.

–They’re OK with your children and grandchildren dying of back alley abortions because they can’t access safe, legal ones. Like in Pennsylvania, which has a crazy amount of restrictions.

– They’re OK with your children and grandchildren dying in wars, dying because of a lack of health care, being poisoned by industiral pollution, exploited by corporations, and so on and so on…

Your knights will not only not defend your children and grandchildren after they are born, they will wage war against them.

Sophisticated Theology

Courtesy of James, son of Jim, we have another church sign that provides an alternative view to the comic I just posted.

Now I know why football teams always pray to God before games. God’s a total jock!

I hope Satan isn’t driven to suicide over this constant bullying. If that were to happen, the school board better come down hard on God. Maybe send Christians to sensitivity training.

Don’t worry Satan! It gets better!

Another Tragedy Not Fueled By Political Rhetoric, Plus a Request

This is one you’re not hearing from the liberal lamestream media.

Shawna Forde, a leader of a spinoff group of Minutemen (which here is defined as “xenophobic gun nuts who run around in the desert playing vigilante border guard”), was in need of dough. Instead of selling angel food cakes like normal people, she and her group came up with the brilliant idea to raid the homes of drug smugglers for cash. So they targeted the home of the Flores family, who were non-drug smuggling American citizens.

Early on the morning of May 30, 2009, Raul Flores heard a knock at the door of his Arivaca, Arizona, home. When he opened it, he found a man and a woman claiming to be law-enforcement officers in search of fugitives. Minutes later, the man shot Flores to death. Then, authorities say, he pumped three bullets into Flores’ wife, Gina Gonzalez, who survived but played dead. “Why did you shoot my mom?” Gonzalez’s 9-year-old daughter, Brisenia Flores, asked the gunman, according to prosecutors. Those were her last words. The man put a gun to her head, fired off two rounds, and killed her.  (The Daily Beast)

Shawna Forde was acting in official capacity as the leader an offshoot of Minutemen, has ties to Aryan Nation groups, and has alluded to waging race wars and war against the U.S. government in the past. In short, she was yet another lone nut who was completely unaffected by right-wing rhetoric. Just like the last 20 that we’ve heard of.

This story, like the MLK bomb planter and most other people murdered senselessly for stupid authoritarian causes, has been totally ignored by the media. My request is this: tell everyone you know about this story. Follow that link and play the 911 call a mother made after her husband and 9-year old daughter were gunned down before her eyes.

People need to hear about this, but no one’s willing to speak up.

Yet Another Lame-O Comic

My comic class final below the jump. Rated NSFW for tiresome anti-theistic sentiment, language, nudity, and dirty linework.

Guaranteed not to be as bad as the Holocaust.

JGM: 13 Letters About One Thing

Do you think that Don E. Corder just tacks on a soundbite for intelligent design at the end of every conversation in real life?

“One box of Cocoa Puffs…will you be paying with cash or credit today, sir?”

“Yep. I’m coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs today. Like Sonny, my rational (ordered) mind is often swayed by emotional (disordered) lapses.”

“….o…kaaaay…I’m more of a Trix fan myself…”

“Those kids in the commercials really need to open their minds a little. Explore the possibilities. Scientists will dissect dead rabbits and say sugary cereal isn’t any good for them. With us simple folk, we know that good food is meant to be enjoyed.”

“Riiiiiight…$9.53 is your change. You have a good day, sir!”

“You too!…

…

…teach intelligent design in schools!”

———————————–

Meanwhile, someone’s complaining about animals again! We always appreciate your input, Burne-

-wait, Ed Goebel?!?

This is an unacceptable breach into Burney Johnson’s domain of rabid, obsessive specisim. I recommend that he sneak into Ed’s territory and pee on something that belongs to him. Like a chair or something. That’ll put him in his place, the way God intended.

Nobody’s Taking Your N-Word Away

So! I heard there’s this new version of Huck Finn that says “slave” instead of “nigger”. I have heard this several godzillion times. As have you. This story seems to sting America more than a congresswoman getting a bullet in the brain.

Disclaimer: I, too, think it’s stupid. So do the vast majority of people, including most non-stupid people.

How do you differentiate between the stupid and non-stupid? Easy. The stupid ones bring up rap music.

Facebook! Help me out!

Not depicted: Jello puddin' pops

Or, they think that all future copies of the book will be edited, and current copies burned en masse by order of the Ministry of Literature.

Also, rap!

Or…I don’t even know what the hell this is.

I censored this lady's name. You will never know the historical context and your education will suffer as a result. Political correctness gone wild!

Either this woman is perpetrating the most slapdash retcon ever, or she’s somehow thinking of the word “raptor.” Your knowledge of Latin is only impressive if you get your terms right, hun.

Ah, remember the time when the Globe’s Facebook page was a lot less insufferable than comments on the Globe site itself? I blame you, intelligent tech-savvy youth, for teaching your dumb relatives how to set up Facebook accounts.

Anyway! Let’s tackle the censorship angle, shall we? It’s true, censoring the word is stupid and prudish. However, only one publisher is doing this. If you want the uncensored version, your limited options are every other publisher of the book. The one world government isn’t pulling a George Lucas and annihilating the original version. It’s an option for people who can’t handle “nigger” in a historical context. Stop making up stories about PC Police. In fact, the only calls for one version being banned completely seems to be coming from our side, from those who don’t understand that our version is not being completely replaced by the other version.

Now to the rap music part…why am I even dignifying this with a rebuttal? I could bring up privilege, reclamation, intent, all that to the white people who just have a bug up their arse about black people and wouldn’t want to hear the facts anyway. That’s all unnecessary, however.

We have established that the new Huck Finn is merely a censored alternative to the original, correct? So for this to be a double standard, it would have to be impossible for record companies to release censored versions of songs that normally have objectionable language. If you’re like me and have been burned by purchasing a “clean” CD at Wal-Mart (or worse, was exposed to Kidz Bop), you know this is not the case.

Sorry folks, but your demands for the scary black music to be neutered in retaliation are completely toothless. Tipper Gore already gave you Parental Advisory stickers, what more do you want?

Thumbs Up

This story has sucked the joy out of me.

c/o Steve Benson.

But now I’ve gotten  some of it back.

Share this Cartoon.

Oh Hey! Joplin Expats is Back!

Yaaaaaaaaaaayy!

 

…yeah, that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Go read it!

We’re in the Big Leagues Now

Yay! My first guest column was published this Saturday! Here’s some of the funnier comments:

Pat Riot wrote:Karley does notr know a thing that he is
talking about. America is a Christian Nation because the first
Americans who saved this great land from the heathen Indians were
God fearing patriots who loved their country and wanted it to
remain exactly the same for their families and descendants. He
thinks that evil unbelievers could create the Divine Guide that is
our Constitution when he knows that Gods hand was guiding us every
step of the way. America must repent and return to the beliefs that
made it great before we are conqurred by radical Islam or North
Korea. If our Christian Founders were here today, we wouldn’t be
wasting time on universal health care or getting rid of atom bombs
or giving little tax cuts to people who do’nt even make businesses
for us.

I heard a little birdy tell me that this one was a Poe. But, it’s hard to tell, because the Poe is a Poe.

Av-I-Tar wrote:Sorry
Karly, you need to rethink your debating skills. Reference to God
is made in the Constitution. The Constitution We the People of the
United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union,, secure the
BLESSINGS of Liberty. [he continues with Bible quotes and
snippets from the Declaration of Independence. Because those are
totally relevant to the argument.]

The fact that they use the word “blessings” means they were totes Southern Baptists. In other news, today is Tuesday. That means I worship Týr. Dave, who wrote the letter I was responding to, said the same thing except he also threw in the name of a city. I’m convinced.

Mamita
wrote:Karley, I take back being mad at you over your comments re:
my sister’s letter to the editor. Will you kindly marry my stepson,
and become my daughter-in-law?

I dunno, you may not want your son to marry…

Just another form of bigot wrote:I take back anything I
said in support of this anti-Semite. Show us your tattoos obese
mama!! You want to slam anyone and anything who does not cotton to
your personal form of bigotry, but you are a bigot nonetheless, are
you not? Get real, and then, try to get a job. P.S. A lot of Jewish
people would like to be buried with their families and members of
their faith, I don’t necessarily think that includes Bass Pro Shops
and taxidermy. If you want to slam hunters and fisherman, why be so
subliminal about it? Does not appear to us you have driven by too
many Big Mac stands without stopping!! Absolutely incredible and
ridiculous. Of course now, your credibility is gone. Good luck with
that, big girl!!

This was my favorite, because it made me do this.

S/he’s referring to this post on tattoos, only filtered through Nonsense-O-Scope.
Apparently pointing out that not everyone cares if they can be buried in a Jewish cemetery or not is anti-Semitic. Five bucks says this person is not actually Jewish.

As for ragging on Bass Pro? Dude. I wasn’t joking when I said I wanted to be mounted there. After being harvested for donatable organs of course. As for being a jobless fat tattoo freak…how dare you! Good sir/madam, I’m afraid I don’t have any tattoos!

hey kaje…. wrote:How in the world can you justify in
your mind being so self-important that you think anyone wants to
spend time out of their short life finding out minutia about you?
…. Bizarro, but fits the leftist profile.

We are all commenting on Joplin Globe articles. No one cares about ANYTHING we do. Except for maybe the FBI, after the eventual shootup of a Unitarian Sunday school by Av-I-Tar or one of the other regs.

This person, by the way, is so not self-important that they don’t bother sticking with a name to call them out on. How humble. Or cowardly. I forget.

Thanks to all the non-rabid commenters for brightening up the joint!

Four Fonts I’m Getting Sick Of

Everyone knows that Comics Sans and Papyrus are overused crap fonts right? Right. I think so too, but there’s some other fonts I’d like to see added to the list.

Adventure

AKA: SF Comic Script, SF Fedora, the Indiana Jones Font.

There is only one place I should see this font, and that’s on an Indy poster (or a lighthearted T-shirt referencing the franchise, which by the way makes a great gift!). But people tamper with nature beyond what God decrees, and so we get this font freakin’ everywhere.

INSTEAD TRY: Go to Blambot.com and find something unique. Or use the Jurassic Park font—it has the same adventure movie connotations, but isn’t as obnoxious.

Bleeding Cowboys

As you can guess by now, the worst thing you can do for a font is overuse it. Case example: Bleeding Cowboys. Or as I like to call it, the Bar Band and Biker Font. If you go to a bar, see a band, or go to a biker shop, you will see this at least once on either a poster or a t-shirt.

This thing became an overnight phenomenon, because it pleases so many. It’s country-western! It’s grunge! It has swirly swooshy bits! It’s free! It has it all! And thus, it became a victim of its own success.

INSTEAD TRY: Beyond Wonderland, any grunge font on DaFont.com. If you have some cash to throw around, go to Letterhead Fonts, and buy Boston Truckstyle.

Medusa

This font makes me think of Art Nouvaeu: Swirly vines, crisp lines, ladies in gossamer dresses.

But, for some reason (I imagine because it’s named after a badass mythological monster), it ends up being used for death metal bands, vampire novels and other “spooooky” uses.

Medusa font does NOT work that way!

INSTEAD TRY: Something NOT art nouveau. Unless your project actually is art nouveau. In which case go nuts.

Abaddon

I’m reluctant to put this up, because this font’s a guilty pleasure for me. However, there’s no denying that’s it’s pretty damn overused. It suffers from the same problems Bleeding Cowboys and Medusa do.

INSTEAD TRY: Look around Dafont or Scriptorium for something similar. If I can ever make it not look like ass, my font Xiphactinus will make a good subsititute.

Stay tuned for a list of free fonts that I think are under appreciated. Also, please critique my fonts Anning and Xiphactinus, so I can make them not-crap fonts!