Archive for December, 2011

29
Dec
11

New Product: Unsolicited Political Opinion Bumper Sticker

Hey! Did you know some people don’t celebrate Christmas on the 25th, but on the very date you’re reading this post instead?

You should go to my store and get them this AlternaChristmas gift!

This gift is also ideal if you want to buy someone a bumper sticker, but don’t really want to humor their odious ideology!

29
Dec
11

White Guy Jokes

This is a crosspost from my Tumblr blog. Because 5 billion social platforms is never fucking enough. Feel free to add your own white guy jokes.

  • Q: What’s the difference between a normal white guy and white trash?
  • A: Who cares, they all fucking look alike.
  • Q: What do you call it when a white guy gets a tax hike?
  • A: The Holocaust.
  • Q: Did you hear about the white guy who shot up a gym and killed a bunch of women?
  • A: No one would date a nice guy like him.
  • Q: What do you call a white guy who never ventures outside his worldview, parrots stuff you hear every day, and shits the bed when someone challenges the status quo?
  • A: “Edgy”.
  • Q: What’s the difference between Mary Shelley and a MGTOW?
  • A: Mary Shelley mattered.
  • Q: What do you call it when a white guy loses a video game?
  • A: “Rape”.
  • Q: How do you take a white guy’s freedom of speech away?
  • A: Disagree with him.
  • Q: What do you call it when there’s six white guys, a black guy, a Latina and a white woman in a room?
  • A: Political correctness gone wild.
  • Q: What if it’s eight white guys and just a black guy?
  • A: Tokenism gone wild.
  • What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and a white supremacist guy?
  • Michelle Obama actually does something with her life.
  • What do you call a white guy computer programmer with a cubicle job?
  • A captain of industry.
—————
If you are offended by these, keep in mind that it’s all just joking, you humorless misogynazis.*
*This entire post is sarcastic, btw. Inspired by this comment thread at Pandagon.
14
Dec
11

I Believe St. Sebastian Gave Up an Arrow-Free Body

20111213-225700.jpg

Or until your homework is done.

I have often said that pro-rape folk are not pro-life, because their behavior is contrary to how one would expect people to act in opposition to a holocaust. Also most people know the obvious difference between an embryo and a baby, even subconsciously, but anyway.

I had clearly not seen the Until Abortion Ends campaign. I have severely underestimated the sacrifice these martyrs will make to end this genocide.

“We love taco bell, but its loss will remind us of the severity of abortion. We believe that some day we will take our children to taco bell in celebration of the illegalization of child-killing in America[…] Goodbye, for now, Taco Bell. But we will meet again.”

“I decided to no eat Chips till abortion ends! Fighting!”

“Happily depriving myself of COFFEE until babies are no longer deprived of LIFE!”

“I’ve always, always loved Butterfinger candy bars. In fact, to this day, my parents still send me Butterfinger candy bars for my birthday. But until abortion doctors get their grubby hands off of our unborn children, I won’t lay another finger on a Butterfinger.”

20111213-221843.jpg

This is an actual screencap. These are actual people.

Giving up your personal first world vices, for a week at best, to protest the reproductive rights of others. Truly this is the Greatest-er Generation. Just look at all the people you’ve inspired with your martyrdom. Somebody call Hollywood.

20111213-222536.jpg

"This can of Pringles. Why did I keep these Pringles? Ten more people. Ten more people."

These people (a lot of whom are kids, so they have some excuse) actually think that anyone gives a damn about their New Year’s resolution-style protest. Which is not protest. A “protest” involves getting people to give a damn. Getting sprayed with firehoses is a protest. A hunger strike is a protest. Hell, a sternly-worded letter is a protest. Giving up red meat? That’s Lent.

Those people who shoot doctors, bomb clinics and terrorize people are complete scum, but give them this: at least they DO something.

This video says it all a lot better than I can.

04
Dec
11

A Dissection of the Southwest Missouri Butterfly Angel

Field sketch of the Butterfly Angel

Field sketch by an eyewitness. Note the prettiness.

Courtesy of Joplin Expats, I am delighted to reveal a scientific breakthough in Magical Flying People Research. I present, without further ado, the discovery of Lepidopterapithicus joplinia — the Southwest Missouri Butterfly Angel.

After the tornado passed over them, the mother asked her daughter if she was OK.

The little girl said she was and said to her mother,

“Wasn’t it pretty?”

Her mother asked her what she meant.

She replied that she saw a lot of butterfly people.

“Did you see the butterfly people in the sky?  They were carrying people in the sky.”

They were going into the sky with people and there were a lot around the two of them.

Besides the butterfly story about the mother and child taking safety in a ditch, I have heard of two more.

This is not the only report, and if anything has any truck in science, it’s numerous heartwarming anecdotes.

I am forced to retract my  previous hypothesis, when I stated that only bird-winged magical flying white people made sense.

This is now inaccurate. The new updated chart will cost you $250.

Descriptions vary, from just being “big butterflies” to butterfly people proper. We can assume that they have shapeshifting powers. No size range is given, although if they’re carting folk into the sky, they must be of considerable size and strength, far surpassing any known flying creature (with the exception of the roc and Superman, of coursen). The jury is out on what relation Butterfly Angels have, if any, to the fairy folk (Homa fata).

Their behavior doesn’t seem too dissimilar from the traditional Hallmarkian angel: they are prone to selecting certain arbitrary people from the wrath of their vengeful employer. More research is required to explain why some people are selected for salvation while others are given the shaft. Perhaps their antenna can detect gullibility, like how some bloodsucking insects can detect cholesterol levels. They seem to breed in turbulent atmospheric conditions. If they are anything like normal angels, their growth is fueled by ringing bells, shafts of sunlight, the laughter of happy families, and small field rodents.

This is a revolutionary new step in Thaumaturgical Ornithothropology. As soon as I get both an expedition team and my tornado engine put together, more revelations will be forthcoming.

Alas, butterfly angels have nobody to save THEM from neither natural disasters nor underpaid lab assistants.




Donate to the Kaje!

My Zazzle Store

My Spreadshirt Store

Help a broke blogger and buy some NSFW merch at my Spreadshirt store!

Calendar

December 2011
M T W T F S S
« Nov   Jan »
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  
Join the best atheist themed blogroll!

Tweetin’ twootin':

  • RT @3ChicsPolitico: Jeff Roorda started the GoFundMe page for Darren Wilson. A Democratic member of the Missouri House of Representatives h… 5 hours ago

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 112 other followers

%d bloggers like this: