Wait, I Can’t Shoot People OR Give Them Wedgies? What a Rip-Off!

As you already know, there’s an anti-bullying movement sweeping the nation and growing every day. As more people stand up against a pervasive evil, more conservatives slowly realize that “hey…some of these people against bullying are LIBERALS” and scrabble to bullying’s defense. (Until they chicken out, that is.)

You can’t blame them, really. Without bullying, there would be no Republicans. Without bullying, there’s nothing to force people to worship your god or do everything you say just because you have more muscle mass. Show me a successful anti-bullying school program and 12 years later I’ll show you campuses completely void of Young Republican chapters.

Via Amanda Marcotte’s feed, I found Joshua Trevino’s tweet that backs that up.

“Re-litigate” their childhoods? So they did it before?

Anyway, from that guy came these guys.

I like how something being a fact of life = OK and permissible. I wonder what his opinions are on abortion, taxes, evolution, and non-procreative sex? And on the flip side, what are his opinions on his ability to survive without civilization’s many safety nets and perks, and Jesus?

There’s also the pesky fact of life, medicine. Specifically, your medicine, which you might unexpectedly have to taste.

And this is the best part right here, where I must admit Defend Wall Street expertly points out the flaws in my argument.

Man, adulthood for bullies must suck. Not only can you not give people swirlies anymore, but the movies lied to you and you can’t shoot or judo kick people without going to jail.

I made sure to let him know that. Who’d have thought? It actually does Get Better.

Fun with Roy Blunt’s Twitter Feed (or: I Need to Get a Life)

My Twitter feed is abuzz with warm wishes for International Women’s Day, with one notable exception. Coincidence! He’s the only career misogynist I follow for trolling purposes! Unfortunately someone beat me to the trollery.

I imagine @RoyBlunt lumps women in with livestock. Why have two holidays when you can consolidate?

Take a Note from Christians, Atheists

This is art.

This is the same guy who did this awesome painting I used for joke purposes here.

Like a true artist, he realizes that you can’t expect people to interpret the damn thing correctly and explains every single facet of it with the help of CSS magic.

Also, the man who represents everyone in America is a white dude of course. If we’re going by statistics he should be about 63.7% non-Hispanic white. Also he should be mostly chick.

Joplin Globe Madness: “Venting” is the PC Word for “Whining”

Rita wrote in today, but nobody cares. Not when there’s fresh meat around. Especially fresh meat that spews every non-grievance grievance into an incoherent jumble of white whining*?

Pardon me, "venting."

Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Miller does not whine. She vents.

She starts off whining about smoker’s rights. Now, I’m all for legal drugs and employee rights, and I go back and forth on smoking bans (on one hand: worker safety; on the other hand, smoking sections usually don’t have screaming kids), and I’ve got an eye for implied freedoms in the spirit of the Constitution.

That being said, there is no such thing as even implied smoker’s rights in the Constitution. Unless you interpret a cigarette as an arm you can bear.  You can kill people with it, but it’s kind of a slow way isn’t it?  I can appreciate you wanting to kill someone slowly and painfully, we all have days like that, but there’s a limit for Pete’s sake! That’s what God gave us Draino and opaque drinks for. I really wish the smoker’s lobby would change their terminology.

Anyway, she wants to be tolerated by employers. Just follow her example!

If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.

…Wow. I’m “subjected” to obese people every day. Depending on your definition of obese (which varies wildly), I’m sadly subjected to my fat ass every moment. Personally I’d rather be subjected to 100 obese people than one superficial self-absorbed wanker like Julia Miller. Unfortunately, I’m also subjected to Julia Millers every day too. Maybe we can get random catty jerk screenings at work?

Reflecting on fat people reminds her that there are other people who aren’t like her, and she totally unravels.

Like Mexicans and presidents!

We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”

And of course she’s a fucking stuck-up godbag as well. As Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. Also NO FAT CHICKS.”

Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.

Oh hey! Did you hear about Jessica Ahlquist, Julia Miller? Did you hear how her side totally creamed yours in court? And how your side is totally shitting the bed, threatening her, griping like spoiled children…basically pulling a Julia Miller? And how nothing they can do can change the fact that they lost horribly?

I just thought you might like to hear that. I know I do.

Anyway! Don’t forget to tell us how persecuted white people are!

I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.

First off, if you’re glowing in the dark, that’s not Caucasian. That’s a bioluminescent deep-sea fish. You’re not even a fucking tetrapod. Stop meddling in human sociopolitics, fish.

Second off, as previously stated everywhere else, they do have white hetero pride days. They’re called EVERY DAY. Privilege! LEARN IT.

After taking a dig at people who use a word to describe their ethnicity and their nationality, but before the hilarious parting shot about immigration (please, somebody dig up this woman’s family tree and see if her ancestors came here “the right way”. As in not just showing up and claiming any Indian land you set foot on.), she concludes thus:

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons?

The true meaning of tolerance, it turns out, is “don’t be noticeably different than me and if you are, don’t challenge my privilege and assumptions. And don’t leave your house if you’re fat.”

Maybe we should make February “Chain Smoking Snotty White Wanker History Month.” I nominate Julia for the planning committee.

*Speaking of which, if you haven’t already you should go to whitewhine.com. It’s like this letter,  only less consolidated.

I Believe St. Sebastian Gave Up an Arrow-Free Body

Or until your homework is done.

I have often said that pro-rape folk are not pro-life, because their behavior is contrary to how one would expect people to act in opposition to a holocaust. Also most people know the obvious difference between an embryo and a baby, even subconsciously, but anyway.

I had clearly not seen the Until Abortion Ends campaign. I have severely underestimated the sacrifice these martyrs will make to end this genocide.

“We love taco bell, but its loss will remind us of the severity of abortion. We believe that some day we will take our children to taco bell in celebration of the illegalization of child-killing in America[…] Goodbye, for now, Taco Bell. But we will meet again.”

“I decided to no eat Chips till abortion ends! Fighting!”

“Happily depriving myself of COFFEE until babies are no longer deprived of LIFE!”

“I’ve always, always loved Butterfinger candy bars. In fact, to this day, my parents still send me Butterfinger candy bars for my birthday. But until abortion doctors get their grubby hands off of our unborn children, I won’t lay another finger on a Butterfinger.”

This is an actual screencap. These are actual people.

Giving up your personal first world vices, for a week at best, to protest the reproductive rights of others. Truly this is the Greatest-er Generation. Just look at all the people you’ve inspired with your martyrdom. Somebody call Hollywood.

"This can of Pringles. Why did I keep these Pringles? Ten more people. Ten more people."

These people (a lot of whom are kids, so they have some excuse) actually think that anyone gives a damn about their New Year’s resolution-style protest. Which is not protest. A “protest” involves getting people to give a damn. Getting sprayed with firehoses is a protest. A hunger strike is a protest. Hell, a sternly-worded letter is a protest. Giving up red meat? That’s Lent.

Those people who shoot doctors, bomb clinics and terrorize people are complete scum, but give them this: at least they DO something.

This video says it all a lot better than I can.

Joplin Globe Madness: The Descent of Dan

It’s been said that Dan Walters is one of the best Globe letter writers. By me, anyway. But his latest missive has left me underwhelmed. It’s basic form letter whining about PHAMRY VALUES, with just a dash of welfare bashing.

Hint hint, guys. Welfare not going to married people first is a “penalty” in the same way that having a gash on your arm and being treated after the guy with a rebar impaled through his head is a penalty. Married people tend to be more financially secure then those who aren’t.

It’s just boring boring boring. He needs to crank up the venom, like in his old letters. I appreciate the passive aggressive addressing of the Globe editorial staff as fancy big word users with college book learnin’ in the fourth paragraph, but it’s not enough. I hope he’s not mellowing with age. I need something to chew on.

Hey! Maybe you can take up my chewing slack in the fancy new Globe comments system. Yeah, it’s old news by now but whatever. The Globe finally got rid of the fucking anonymous comment system. Yay! Thanks guys!

Can I make a suggestion though? Can you make the new comment apps mobile friendly? I do pretty much all my intertubing by phone now. I’d appreciate it mucho.

Joplin Globe Madness: Don Ray Am the 53%

Don Ray has just noticed that the precious widdle left is “stirring up trouble!” Which he then goes on to say is threatening to unravel the very fabric of America, after going out of his way to be as patronizing as possible. Like toddlers who throw crayons on the floor, if the crayons were made of anthrax and the floor was a nuclear missile launch button.

I’m guessing Mr. Ray is not part of the 1%, but rather the 53%. That’s the part of the 99% that loves sucking corporate cock. Their movement is summed up thusly:

(If you don’t get the reference, here:)

Are You Ready To Be Touched By JesusWeen?

I think a rock might actually be preferable.

I’m always amused by the efforts of insecure Christians to try and replace the second most popular American holiday with one where it’s acceptable to give children Chick Tracts instead of Reese’s Cups. “Trunk or treats!” “Harvest parties!” “Creation Parties!” The efforts are all as scattershot as they are laughably boring.

I think they’ve finally hit gold, though. Ladies and gentlemen, I present JesusWeen.

JesusWeen is a non profit organization also known as JesusWin. We are focused on helping people live better lives through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. JesusWeen is a God-given vision which was born as an answer to the cry of many every October 31st. The dictionary meaning of Ween is to expect, believe or think.

It’s also the name of a band that people keep trying to make me listen to. The more you bug me about it, the less likely I am to listen. Maybe Ween needs a holiday to spread the word about themselves. Call it WeenWeen.

Every year, the world and its system have a day set aside (October 31st) to celebrate ungodly images and evil characters while Christians all over the world participate, hide or just stay quiet on Halloween day. Being a day that is widely acceptable to solicit and knock on doors, God inspired us to encourage Christians to use this day as an opportunity to spread the gospel. The days of hiding are over and we choose to take a stand for Jesus. “Evil prevails when good people do nothing”. JesusWeen is expected to become the most effective Christian outreach day ever and that is why we also call it” World Evangelism Day”.

Oh wow! They really are just putting Bibles in kid’s candy sacks. Way to ween one for Jesus. In the meantime, I will be enjoying my ungodly images and evil characters. At least they don’t skimp on the Reese’s Cups.

Santa: The Trojan Horse in the War on Christmas

You know who else was red? STALIN.

Why am I blogging about Christmas in spring? One reason, because other news around here is too damn depressing (Man, Nevada, you suck). Two, I never get tired of blogging about conservative freakouts.

Christian conservatives warn America of a War on Christmas, under the impression that deemphasizing Santa and his reindeer is secular subterfuge. However, a new poll (c/o the Wisconsin Daily Mirror) suggests that giving Santa the boot may be a boon to curbing the rising atheist population.

The group asked atheists, agnostics, secular humanists and other non-believers to name a catalyst to their deconversion. The number one answer by about 48%? Finding out the truth about Santa Claus. OH SNAP:

When asked about their lack of belief, many atheists and agnostics point to a perceived lack of evidence, corruption in organized religion, or the seeming indifference of the universe. However, when asked to name a specific life event that led them down this path, nearly half pointed not to the man on the cross, but to the man on the rooftop.

According to a survey conducted by PEW Research, when asked what one event they could contribute to their atheism, a whopping 48% cited finding out the truth about Santa Claus as the catalyst.

It must be because atheists are so materialistic, right? Well, not really. Take it away Dr. Pazzo:

“It’s a true case of a slippery slope,” says PEW researcher Dr. April Pazzo. “Their parents raise them to have faith in a magical, kindly figure, a faith which is inevitably betrayed. When these same parents ask them to believe in a loving, miraculous figure, it’s more difficult to believe.”

It looks like the religious are already scrambling for excuses and solutions. The guy they quote in the article says that obviously, Santa has to go. Good luck with that (edit mine).

According to [Father Pabo Sah Woor], “People need to remember who we celebrate Christmas for. It’s not about gifts, reindeer and family. When you take Christ out of Christmas, you start taking Christ out of your life.”

One of those things is not like the other, Pops. Have fun telling people to quit using one of the best traditional aspects of the holiday.

Who Haven’t the Republicans Whipped Out Their Haterade On?

(image c/o Mother Jones)

Let’s see. They covered vulnerable voters with ACORN. They are losing the Wisconsin battle, but are winning the war on unions. They’re currently whacking away at uppity bitches. Who else is left?

Oh hey…don’t forget college students!

“Voting as a liberal. That’s what kids do,” [NH Speaker William O'Brien] added, his comments taped by a state Democratic Party staffer and posted on YouTube. Students lack “life experience,” and “they just vote their feelings.”

New Hampshire House Republicans are pushing for new laws that would prohibit many college students from voting in the state – and effectively keep some from voting at all.

One bill would permit students to vote in their college towns only if they or their parents had previously established permanent residency there – requiring all others to vote in the states or other New Hampshire towns they come from. Another bill would end Election Day registration, which O’Brien said unleashes swarms of students on polling places, creating opportunities for fraud.

I think that just about covers it!

Hey, you remember when the Reps succeeded in destroying ACORN with its fake-ass “pimp sting” (much like that stupid Lila Rose failcow and her failcow stunt)? Because that demonstrated voter fraud on ACORN’s part, somehow. Meanwhile, Republicans are actively passing laws to  disenfranchise voters. LOL.