Archive for the 'Culture Wars' Category

12
Apr
13

Joplin Globe Madness: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!?

Well, actually, I told you nothing, because when Marta Mossburg wrote that stupid ass column last week, I wrote a rough draft for a post, and then abandoned it because I couldn’t condense my rage into a cohesive post. Basic gist: History Channel is emboldening stupid people. Again. This time with The Bible, their new stupid miniseries.

I seriously just published that a few minutes ago, for context to this post. Read it here. It’s a rough draft. Be gentle.

Anyway, look here! My prophecy came true! Turns out humoring stupid beliefs just emboldens the belief holders! Like Bryan Sperry here. The Bible is the springboard for some good ol’ JGM godgunnery.

I was watching the TV version of “The Bible.” I noticed all of the beatings and killings did not involve a single gun.

Also scientists that lived before 1860 did not believe in evolution, and Alexander the Great conquered the western world without launching a single plane. Continuity is weird like that.

Taking away our guns is not the solution. It is the first thing that a would-be dictator would do. If people would accept Christ as their savior, it would be a much better world.

Remember kids…all powerful, megalomaniacal sociopathic control freaks are bad. Unless he lives in the clouds. Then he’s cool.

Of course, there are those groups that will not allow their members to even read about Christ. This is the height of ignorance. They are apparently afraid of the truth. I was in church today with about 2,000 people. What a pleasant experience to be with that many people who know how to love.

Five bucks says most of those people sitting next to him haven’t actually read the damn thing. Research backs me up.

I helped fight the Germans in the Battle of the Bulge, and the Lord was with me every step of the way. The Belgians are very appreciative now. I recently wrote a book to help young people to know how to live their life to the fullest as a born-again Christian.

He must not have published it yet, because I can’t turn anything up on Google . I did find this artist from Chicago with the same name. Pittsburg Bryan Sperry should have Chicago Bryan Sperry do the cover art. That might trick the kids into reading it.

I wonder, if the History Channel stuck with their usual fare, what would have inspired Bryan to write this?

I’ve noticed that people have killed each other for centuries without guns…but how could they, with such primitive technology?

ALIENS

12
Apr
13

It Must Be True, I Saw it on History Channel

I listen to K-LOVE every weekday now, although not by choice. For those of you unfamiliar, K-LOVE plays “positive, encouraging” Christian music and is repetitive aural garbage, but I repeat myself.*

One day they were talking about The Bible. It’s a Christian music station, of course, but they weren’t talking about the the Bible-Bible, they were talking about The Bible series on the History Channel. Dusty can sum it up much better than I can,

The lady K-Love host was gushing. Paraphrasing here (I can’t be arsed to find a transcript for a date I can’t recall on a station I hate) she said “This all is real, it’s not a fairy tale!”. So good job, cable TV. You pander to the stupid people for a quick buck and in doing so you humor their stupid beliefs.

“Seriously, Kaje, History Channel runs Bigfoot specials and Ancient Aliens. Everyone knows that they just play bullshit nowadays. What’s the worry?”

Well, apparently the K-Love hosts don’t know that. Neither does a whole lot of the general public. Neither does Marta Mossburg, the Joplin Globe’s favorite gibbering nitwit Marylander. Keep on telling the masses what they want to hear. A talking snake is not jaw-droppingly idiotic. Hollywood persecutes Christians. Our depiction of the most popular religion in the world is somehow edgy.

Marta’s column is mostly about the latter hopeless falsehood, which is easily debunked. Hollywood (as if the entertainment industry is a monolith, which it isn’t) doesn’t shy away from godbaggery and conservative bullshit. Especially not The History Channel. Here’s something interesting I found on STFUConservatives: An anonymous poster who claims to work in TV programming said this:

We get told things like ‘our demographic doesn’t want to see women as scientist experts’ and so forth. Those people are told that by people above them who are told that by ratings and research and statistics. So, you see, it’s a sick incestuous cycle. More conservatives watch, and so they cater more shows to that audience.

Get that? History Channel isn’t being super brave and risk-taking. It’s par for the course for them. Psuedohistorical bullshit and pandering is their bread and butter.

*People who are afraid of sexual feelings just need to stay away from all forms of art.

16
Mar
13

But We Do Need Grenade Launching Pistols. Because Freedom.

I was surprised to reach the end of this letter and not see Rita Crowell’s name. Carl W. Biggers loves the Second Amendment, and is not above tossing some pro-life fanservice into the first sentence.

Our government doesn’t want us shooting people but doesn’t seem to care how many babies are murdered in the womb.

I don’t think he realizes that it sounds like he’s genuinely disappointed that he can’t go around shooting people.

In the Jan. 25, 2013, Joplin Globe, it was reported that her ban would include rifles, handguns with one of any military style features — detachable stock, grenade launchers — as well as 157 specific firearms.

OH THAT LYING SKANK. She sounded all reasonable at first, but then she wants to take away our pistols. Our grenade-launching pistols. What a fascist.

I agree we don’t need slide fire stocks on rifles that can shoot 100 rounds in 7 seconds. We don’t need large capacity magazines. We don’t need threaded barrels for silencers, and we don’t need silencers. We do need to keep our Second Amendment rights to carry our handguns for home, family and self-protection. We should be able to keep our chance to help stop crimes in progress.

Slightly related– did you hear about the guy who stabbed the burglar in the eyeball with a knife? IF THEY HAD A GUN THIS WOULDN’T HAVE—oh wait….

I think the government wants all guns out of law-abiding citizens hands so when they become dictators, they won’t have to face an uprising.

You know what I’ve noticed? I hear a lot of people saying we need guns to shed the blood of tyrants. Like a whole lot of people saying so. We apparently have a goodly amount of Jack the Tyrant Killers in this country.

Apparently our tyrants are usually schoolchildren, peace protestors, black kids, women going to the gym, and people who attend midnight screenings of popular movies. Normal citizens and easy pickings. Meanwhile, actual government heads openly muse about taking away people’s rights, and they sleep like babies. Perhaps most gun fetishists don’t really give a shit about shedding the blood of tyrants. They want to be tyrants.

Take us out with some Jesus, Carl!

I am a born-again Christian and pray that God will convince the hearts of our government to pay attention to him before it is too late.

Jesus isn’t the guy that gives you grenade launching pistols. You’re thinking of Santa.

16
Dec
12

I Have the Right to Not Bear Arms

(Hey! Are you reading this post months after it was published? Well, good news– I crafted it so it can apply to any spree shooting. Just copy and paste this the next time a spree shooting comes along. And there will be a next time. )

With the latest spree shooting, here comes the latest spree victim-blaming from right-wing gun frootloops* and their unwitting enablers.
“Hurp derp, if only those teachers were armed, if only we could conceal and carry in theaters, if only I could whip out my sweet Gun Katta skills and whaled on them, then those people wouldn’t be dead huh huh hurp”.

Never mind whether or not this is true (Mother Jones says it isn’t, but how can you say a spree shooting wasn’t stopped if it was stopped before it became a spree shooting? BRAINPUZZLER). The implication is that we are responsible for our own deaths if we go out of our house without our trenchcoats and semi-autos which we all obviously have had the time and interest and resources to learn to master.

It’s the “if only she was wearing modest clothes, she wouldn’t have been raped” argument. It’s blaming the victim. It’s saying we should go out of our way to appease the unremarkable monsters in our species. Fuck that.

You see, guns don’t frighten me or offend me. They bore the living piss out of me, even moreso than motorcycles and scrapbooking (although less than Christian radio). I resent the notion that I have to augment my life with gun ownership to justify my very existence. And that’s just my indifference talking; imagine people who actually detest them for whatever reason?

I do not carry guns. I won’t carry guns. And I am free to do so. And fuck you for suggesting it’s my fault if someone murders me. I am not going to take time out of my fleeting life to conform to your dumb little club just because you can’t face the harsh reality that if you were in those situations, you won’t be the stoic action hero of your fantasies. You will be panicking and reacting just like those lowly unarmed folk.

It reminds me of the “Freedom of Religion, Not Freedom From Religion” non-argument. I know this will hurt a lot of people’s brains, but the first necessarily implies the other. You have the right to bear arms, likewise, I have the right to not bear arms.

Depicted: Not You

*I have seen gun nuts take pride in the fact that “nuts” is a slang term for testicles, which their anxious masculinity clings to like Peter Jackson clings to slow motion. I WILL DENY THEM EVEN THIS SMALL COMFORT. YOU ARE ALL FROOTLOOPS NOW.
25
Nov
12

Joplin Globe Madness- On Our Anniversary, We Just Watched Thor and Ate Sushi

Me and the fella are living in sin (sweet, sweet tasty sin), and have no intention of changing that any time soon. Still, it’s nice to know what not put in a wedding anniversary ad.

For example, you may not want to fill it with a ridiculously long sexist ramble about your ancestors and how much you don’t know about genetics. Like in this ad that ran in today’s (11/25/12) Joplin Globe.

This is an actual anniversary notice that appeared in today’s paper. C/O the Joplin Globe.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Strobel, for being an example. And for finding each other, so no poor innocent schmuck got into a relationship with either one of you and your evo-psych bullshit.

Fun Fact: this isn’t the first time the Strobels have ran this anniversary ad- I saw it several years ago (and also this year, which is why the link below goes to the 18th). The only reason I didn’t blog about it then was because the ad was TOO GODDAMN BIG for my scanner. It’s over tabloid size- 11.75″ x 16.5″, by my lady brains- and it fills up over two thirds of a page! Thanks, Joplin Globe E-Edition, for doing the hard work for me!

EDIT: I just remembered my pal Jeremiah Tucker also blogged about this ad during one of its previous runs. Go look!

20
Sep
12

Remember: Republicans Hate You

I don’t read the physical paper as much as I used to. However, yesterday I picked one up off of a booth after someone else read it (after all, I am entitled to free papers, just as everything else, yes?) and what grabbed me wasn’t anything local. It was the cartoon they ran.

 

Image c/o The Boston Herald

I was like “Cool! They’re running Kelly’s stuff from the Onion!”

image c/o the Onion

But then I noticed the lack of a crying Statue of Liberty, and also that is was drawn by Jerry Holbert, who actually thinks this way.

Remember! If you’re insulted when Romney insults you, that means you’re a victim-victimy-victimpants! So vote for him! Also people on disability are weak whiners who should be mocked.

Ah, first Akin, then Romney…this is exquisite. Exquisite. This must be how Romney feels when he fires large swaths of people.

11
Jun
12

Let Me Google That For You

Me and the Stone clan have been piling up on this comment thread for a very dumb letter. I thought I’d screencap this exchange for your amusement. This is how you respond to someone who claims that the separation of church and state isn’t in the constitution.

He never responded. :(

11
May
12

Wait, I Can’t Shoot People OR Give Them Wedgies? What a Rip-Off!

As you already know, there’s an anti-bullying movement sweeping the nation and growing every day. As more people stand up against a pervasive evil, more conservatives slowly realize that “hey…some of these people against bullying are LIBERALS” and scrabble to bullying’s defense. (Until they chicken out, that is.)

You can’t blame them, really. Without bullying, there would be no Republicans. Without bullying, there’s nothing to force people to worship your god or do everything you say just because you have more muscle mass. Show me a successful anti-bullying school program and 12 years later I’ll show you campuses completely void of Young Republican chapters.

Via Amanda Marcotte’s feed, I found Joshua Trevino’s tweet that backs that up.

Image

“Re-litigate” their childhoods? So they did it before?

Anyway, from that guy came these guys.

Image

I like how something being a fact of life = OK and permissible. I wonder what his opinions are on abortion, taxes, evolution, and non-procreative sex? And on the flip side, what are his opinions on his ability to survive without civilization’s many safety nets and perks, and Jesus?

There’s also the pesky fact of life, medicine. Specifically, your medicine, which you might unexpectedly have to taste.Image

And this is the best part right here, where I must admit Defend Wall Street expertly points out the flaws in my argument.Image

Man, adulthood for bullies must suck. Not only can you not give people swirlies anymore, but the movies lied to you and you can’t shoot or judo kick people without going to jail.

I made sure to let him know that. Who’d have thought? It actually does Get Better.

08
Mar
12

Fun with Roy Blunt’s Twitter Feed (or: I Need to Get a Life)

My Twitter feed is abuzz with warm wishes for International Women’s Day, with one notable exception. Coincidence! He’s the only career misogynist I follow for trolling purposes! Unfortunately someone beat me to the trollery.

I imagine lumps women in with livestock. Why have two holidays when you can consolidate?

26
Jan
12

Take a Note from Christians, Atheists

This is art.

This is the same guy who did this awesome painting I used for joke purposes here.

Like a true artist, he realizes that you can’t expect people to interpret the damn thing correctly and explains every single facet of it with the help of CSS magic.

Also, the man who represents everyone in America is a white dude of course. If we’re going by statistics he should be about 63.7% non-Hispanic white. Also he should be mostly chick.




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