Joplin Globe Madness- On Our Anniversary, We Just Watched Thor and Ate Sushi

Me and the fella are living in sin (sweet, sweet tasty sin), and have no intention of changing that any time soon. Still, it’s nice to know what not put in a wedding anniversary ad.

For example, you may not want to fill it with a ridiculously long sexist ramble about your ancestors and how much you don’t know about genetics. Like in this ad that ran in today’s (11/25/12) Joplin Globe.

This is an actual anniversary notice that appeared in today’s paper. C/O the Joplin Globe.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Strobel, for being an example. And for finding each other, so no poor innocent schmuck got into a relationship with either one of you and your evo-psych bullshit.

Fun Fact: this isn’t the first time the Strobels have ran this anniversary ad- I saw it several years ago (and also this year, which is why the link below goes to the 18th). The only reason I didn’t blog about it then was because the ad was TOO GODDAMN BIG for my scanner. It’s over tabloid size- 11.75″ x 16.5″, by my lady brains- and it fills up over two thirds of a page! Thanks, Joplin Globe E-Edition, for doing the hard work for me!

EDIT: I just remembered my pal Jeremiah Tucker also blogged about this ad during one of its previous runs. Go look!

Joplin Globe Madness: I Don’t Remember Any Donkeys In Jurassic Park

I’m going to try doing a weekly Joplin Globe Madness from now one, in an  effort to generate content for this blog. Check out this week’s samplings:

I don’t remember any donkeys in Jurassic Park. But Steve Gobel does, apparently. I love this man’s letters; they make me look forward to senility. Behold, an excerpt from “the Phoenix”:

They had not heard the call from Rush, Mark and Sean directly. They were alerted by Republican politicians who hearkened to the unbending, unrelenting, Jurassic Park donkey message.

What a sight it was to behold as the phoenix rose from the ashes because of three Jurassic Park donkeys.

It reminds me of how much beauty there is in this world. “Jurassic Park donkeys”. It’s like the world was crafted just for you and I out of stardust and songs.

Meanwhile, Gail Hurlbut, non-trad student and obvious victim of childhood teasing (HURLBUT?!?  Poor thing.) is yet another “independent” voter. You know the type- the voter that definitely is *not* independent but dammit, who wants to label themselves, man? Anyway, she’s all pissed off, not at Akin for saying horrible things about rape, but at the Republicans who felt a twinge in either their vestigial moral sense or in their pocketbooks and pulled their support for him (if only temporarily).

The main mistake for Missouri is that Todd Akin did not lose the election for the Senate because of his statements about rape. He lost the election because Republicans turned their backs on him. No matter how stupid the statements made by Democrats, they stick together. The Republicans did not have enough sense to do that.

It wasn’t Akin’s fault for saying hatefully stupid things! It was the mean ol’ other Republicans. Party of personal responsibility, you guys.

Todd Akin did not lose by many votes, which proves that he could have won the election in Missouri with continued support from the Republican Party. He did not have that support. I respect Mr. Akin for staying in the election and getting the many votes he did get. Many voters in Missouri wanted him to win, and I am one of them. God bless Todd Akin and his family.

Mr. Akin, someone needs to apologize to you.

We respect you, rape apologist and benighted doofus. We’re sorry we couldn’t save you from your own stupid big mouth.

How’s that for an apology?

I Feel More Confident Already

I am no stranger to shopping at adult stores. (For friends, I mean. It’s a gag gift. For a friend). Despite what the previous dumb parenthetical joke implies, I’m oddly comfortable shopping in them, especially for someone who has trouble finding the courage to ask for a water refill at a restaurant.

One of the most comfortable of the oddly comfortable was Romantic Delights, which I’ve shopped at since my college days. It says so right on their website:

Welcome to Romantic Delights. Our mission is to help women feel sexy and confident, along with improving the quality of couples love lives.

The most important aspect of great sex for a woman is a positive body image.

The better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll feel about the sex and the better the sex will be.

It’s all about making a woman feel good…. Satisfied…Confident….Special!

So I wonder how they went from that, to this:

Boy, I feel confident and special already.

I Should Probably Get Back to Blogging Shouldn’t I

Man, how many months has it been? There’s so much I’ve missed– dead celebrities, offensive legislation, fried chicken debates. You lose track of things once you start getting laid regularly.

Also! The atheist/skeptic/whatever movement blew up. Everybody got so sick of bullying dudebro skeptics, who were so clever when they found out the truth about God but didn’t think to apply that skepticism to gender roles or social issues, that we had a wee schism. C/O Jen McCreight of Blag Hag, we have leveled up to become Atheists Plus!

“Keep unintentionally or intentionally excluding women, minorities, and progressives while cluelessly wondering why you’re losing members, money, and clout. The rest of us will be moving on.

If you’re ready for this new wave of atheism, now is the time to speak up. Say that you’re ready. Vocally support organizations and individuals that are already doing it right. Vocally criticize the inappropriate and hateful behavior so the victims of such actions know you’re on their side. Demand that your organizations and clubs evolve, or start your own if they refuse.

The Boy’s Club may have historically ruled the movement, but they don’t own it. We can.”

I’m up for it. I am now an atheist plus. Or a plus atheist. Wev.

And to celebrate, I made a new t-shirt.

Sexist Skeptics Eff Off Shirt by JohnnyKaje
Browse Zazzle for another teezazzle.com

Hopefully I can get my shit together and get a booth set up at Skepticon. But if I don’t, you can still get your shirts now! Wear it the next time you’re inexplicably booked for TAM! and can’t find someone else to go in your stead.

Joplin Globe Madness: THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

I appreciate Kay Bradley’s reality check in Sunday’s paper. I especially appreciate the sheer effort she put in journeying from her reality into ours.

In our clamoring for our sweet, sweet child support money and abortion parties, we often forget just how lucky we are here, in the world’s #37th best country for health care. I forgot how easy it was to get birth control. I forgot about the healthcare programs which provide birth control for low income families, which is odd considering how I”m constantly reading about attempts to get these programs defunded or rendered toothless with medieval regulations.

This may be hard to believe, but not all women have the same access to contraception as Kay Bradley. I know, people for some reason live differently than Kay Bradley and expect to be taken seriously.

Ok I am trying to write a coherent response to an incoherent letter but all I end up doing is banging on a keyboard and snapping at my loved ones. This letter can be popped with one simple fact.
THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

It requires the insurance company, the one you pay into, to cover it. Not your religious employer. Not the hard-working taxpayer who loves complaining about birth control just as much as they love complaining about people who aren’t like them having too many kids.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And further, I’d like to point out that if this violates your employer’s religious liberties, so does everything you do with the wages you earn that s/he doesn’t approve of. Because your insurance is compensation for the work you do.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And with that fact, Kay’s letter pops and collapses in a flaccid, wrinkled heap of rubber and nonsense.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

Although it should, goddammit.

Fun with Roy Blunt’s Twitter Feed (or: I Need to Get a Life)

My Twitter feed is abuzz with warm wishes for International Women’s Day, with one notable exception. Coincidence! He’s the only career misogynist I follow for trolling purposes! Unfortunately someone beat me to the trollery.

I imagine @RoyBlunt lumps women in with livestock. Why have two holidays when you can consolidate?

White Guy Jokes

This is a crosspost from my Tumblr blog. Because 5 billion social platforms is never fucking enough. Feel free to add your own white guy jokes.

• Q: What’s the difference between a normal white guy and white trash?
• A: Who cares, they all fucking look alike.

• Q: What do you call it when a white guy gets a tax hike?
• A: The Holocaust.

• Q: Did you hear about the white guy who shot up a gym and killed a bunch of women?
• A: No one would date a nice guy like him.

• Q: What do you call a white guy who never ventures outside his worldview, parrots stuff you hear every day, and shits the bed when someone challenges the status quo?
• A: “Edgy”.

• Q: What’s the difference between Mary Shelley and a MGTOW?
• A: Mary Shelley mattered.

• Q: What do you call it when a white guy loses a video game?
• A: “Rape”.

• Q: How do you take a white guy’s freedom of speech away?
• A: Disagree with him.

• Q: What do you call it when there’s six white guys, a black guy, a Latina and a white woman in a room?
• A: Political correctness gone wild.

• Q: What if it’s eight white guys and just a black guy?
• A: Tokenism gone wild.

• What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and a white supremacist guy?
• Michelle Obama actually does something with her life.

• What do you call a white guy computer programmer with a cubicle job?
• A captain of industry.

—————

If you are offended by these, keep in mind that it’s all just joking, you humorless misogynazis.*

*This entire post is sarcastic, btw. Inspired by this comment thread at Pandagon.

I Believe St. Sebastian Gave Up an Arrow-Free Body

Or until your homework is done.

I have often said that pro-rape folk are not pro-life, because their behavior is contrary to how one would expect people to act in opposition to a holocaust. Also most people know the obvious difference between an embryo and a baby, even subconsciously, but anyway.

I had clearly not seen the Until Abortion Ends campaign. I have severely underestimated the sacrifice these martyrs will make to end this genocide.

“We love taco bell, but its loss will remind us of the severity of abortion. We believe that some day we will take our children to taco bell in celebration of the illegalization of child-killing in America[…] Goodbye, for now, Taco Bell. But we will meet again.”

“I decided to no eat Chips till abortion ends! Fighting!”

“Happily depriving myself of COFFEE until babies are no longer deprived of LIFE!”

“I’ve always, always loved Butterfinger candy bars. In fact, to this day, my parents still send me Butterfinger candy bars for my birthday. But until abortion doctors get their grubby hands off of our unborn children, I won’t lay another finger on a Butterfinger.”

This is an actual screencap. These are actual people.

Giving up your personal first world vices, for a week at best, to protest the reproductive rights of others. Truly this is the Greatest-er Generation. Just look at all the people you’ve inspired with your martyrdom. Somebody call Hollywood.

"This can of Pringles. Why did I keep these Pringles? Ten more people. Ten more people."

These people (a lot of whom are kids, so they have some excuse) actually think that anyone gives a damn about their New Year’s resolution-style protest. Which is not protest. A “protest” involves getting people to give a damn. Getting sprayed with firehoses is a protest. A hunger strike is a protest. Hell, a sternly-worded letter is a protest. Giving up red meat? That’s Lent.

Those people who shoot doctors, bomb clinics and terrorize people are complete scum, but give them this: at least they DO something.

This video says it all a lot better than I can.

Missouri’s Torture Camp for Young Girls

I had thought I had become completely jaded when it came to American Christianity’s ever-flowing haterade for women and children. Money-wasting, unconstitutional abortion restrictions? Saw them coming. Conscience clauses? Old hat.

But this one took me aback. Mainly because it takes place 35 miles from my house.

Welcome to New Beginnings Girls Academy.

New Beginnings describes itself as a character-building facility for “troubled teens,” and what Jeannie Marie heard in church that day was that this might be a place for her daughter to heal. While jogging earlier that year, the 17-year-old (whom I’ll call Roxy) had been pulled into a vehicle and assaulted by a group of men. Since then, she had begun acting up at home, as well as sneaking out and drinking. Two weeks after seeing the girls in church, Jeannie Marie and her husband left Roxy in McNamara’s care with the promise that she would receive counseling twice a week and stay at New Beginnings no longer than two months. “It sounded like a discipleship program,” Jeannie Marie recalls. “A safe place where a daughter can go to have time alone to find God and her direction.”

What would Jesus do with a troubled rape victim? How about cutting them off from family and breaking them! That ought to do it.

She was monitored day and night by two “buddies,” girls who’d been there awhile and knew the drill. They accompanied her to the shower and toilet, and introduced her to a life of communal isolation and rigid discipline. Girls were not allowed to converse except from 6 to 9 p.m. each Friday. They were not allowed contact with their families during their first month, or with anyone else for six months. By that time, Roxy said, most girls are “broken,” having been told that their families have abandoned them, and that the world outside is a sinful, dangerous place where girls who leave are murdered or raped.

It goes on. Force feeding, isolation chambers, oh how it goes on. And it’s all legal! Yay faith-based exemptions! After I posted this on Facebook, I’ve heard more tales of this place. And I’m frothing with white hot rage.

How long are we going to let people hurt children under the banner of faith?

EDIT: Survivors of NBGA have started a site here.

Some Advice, and a Preemptive Retraction

Socially awkward!

Some advice for all the single fellas out there:

If you text a girl you met briefly once (during a very awkward and embarrassing situation) and she says she’s not interested, that means it’s time to stop texting her. Don’t text her a day later. Don’t text her a week later. Don’t text her to just be friends when neither of you even knows the other. Don’t text her after she mentions she has a boyfriend now and she is definately not interested in you. Don’t text her to spend a weekend alone with you on the river, even if you “let her bring her boyfriend*”. Do not text her in a box. Do not text her with a fox. Just stop. fucking. texting. her.

Just my two cents.

——————-

I just realized I criticized and otherwise failed to appreciate a guy’s efforts to get into my pants.

oh my God what have I done

This poor, socially awkward fellow! To be called out (anonymously) so callously for his socially awkward behavior. Now that he has incurred consequences (except he hasn’t because y’know, anonymity) of his socially awkward behavior, he might be so scarred as to not be so socially awkward. And what will he use as an excuse to creep on women?

And that brute offered me a weekend getaway camping on the river. How scandalous. Look out, girls, if you’re not careful some madman might offer you a stay at a Hawaiian resort. Don’t want that happening, no sir! How could that possibly be read as threatening!

After all, humans are hardwired to reproduce! Therefore it follows that all efforts to get nookie are sacrosanct and that people should never, ever be criticized or held accountable for their actions. Boys will be boys! Hurk hurk.

Why didn’t I just say “no?” Maybe he didn’t hear the first time. Maybe I dressed too slutty?

And finally, STARVING WOMEN IN CHINA!

I apologize world. I’ll shut up now.

* I mentioned the fact that this boyfriend is a black belt in taekwondo. HE'S STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME THE MORON