Joplin Globe Madness: THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

I appreciate Kay Bradley’s reality check in Sunday’s paper. I especially appreciate the sheer effort she put in journeying from her reality into ours.

In our clamoring for our sweet, sweet child support money and abortion parties, we often forget just how lucky we are here, in the world’s #37th best country for health care. I forgot how easy it was to get birth control. I forgot about the healthcare programs which provide birth control for low income families, which is odd considering how I”m constantly reading about attempts to get these programs defunded or rendered toothless with medieval regulations.

This may be hard to believe, but not all women have the same access to contraception as Kay Bradley. I know, people for some reason live differently than Kay Bradley and expect to be taken seriously.

Ok I am trying to write a coherent response to an incoherent letter but all I end up doing is banging on a keyboard and snapping at my loved ones. This letter can be popped with one simple fact.
THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

It requires the insurance company, the one you pay into, to cover it. Not your religious employer. Not the hard-working taxpayer who loves complaining about birth control just as much as they love complaining about people who aren’t like them having too many kids.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And further, I’d like to point out that if this violates your employer’s religious liberties, so does everything you do with the wages you earn that s/he doesn’t approve of. Because your insurance is compensation for the work you do.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And with that fact, Kay’s letter pops and collapses in a flaccid, wrinkled heap of rubber and nonsense.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

Although it should, goddammit.

Fun with Roy Blunt’s Twitter Feed (or: I Need to Get a Life)

My Twitter feed is abuzz with warm wishes for International Women’s Day, with one notable exception. Coincidence! He’s the only career misogynist I follow for trolling purposes! Unfortunately someone beat me to the trollery.

I imagine @RoyBlunt lumps women in with livestock. Why have two holidays when you can consolidate?

White Guy Jokes

This is a crosspost from my Tumblr blog. Because 5 billion social platforms is never fucking enough. Feel free to add your own white guy jokes.

• Q: What’s the difference between a normal white guy and white trash?
• A: Who cares, they all fucking look alike.

• Q: What do you call it when a white guy gets a tax hike?
• A: The Holocaust.

• Q: Did you hear about the white guy who shot up a gym and killed a bunch of women?
• A: No one would date a nice guy like him.

• Q: What do you call a white guy who never ventures outside his worldview, parrots stuff you hear every day, and shits the bed when someone challenges the status quo?
• A: “Edgy”.

• Q: What’s the difference between Mary Shelley and a MGTOW?
• A: Mary Shelley mattered.

• Q: What do you call it when a white guy loses a video game?
• A: “Rape”.

• Q: How do you take a white guy’s freedom of speech away?
• A: Disagree with him.

• Q: What do you call it when there’s six white guys, a black guy, a Latina and a white woman in a room?
• A: Political correctness gone wild.

• Q: What if it’s eight white guys and just a black guy?
• A: Tokenism gone wild.

• What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and a white supremacist guy?
• Michelle Obama actually does something with her life.

• What do you call a white guy computer programmer with a cubicle job?
• A captain of industry.

—————

If you are offended by these, keep in mind that it’s all just joking, you humorless misogynazis.*

*This entire post is sarcastic, btw. Inspired by this comment thread at Pandagon.

I Believe St. Sebastian Gave Up an Arrow-Free Body

Or until your homework is done.

I have often said that pro-rape folk are not pro-life, because their behavior is contrary to how one would expect people to act in opposition to a holocaust. Also most people know the obvious difference between an embryo and a baby, even subconsciously, but anyway.

I had clearly not seen the Until Abortion Ends campaign. I have severely underestimated the sacrifice these martyrs will make to end this genocide.

“We love taco bell, but its loss will remind us of the severity of abortion. We believe that some day we will take our children to taco bell in celebration of the illegalization of child-killing in America[…] Goodbye, for now, Taco Bell. But we will meet again.”

“I decided to no eat Chips till abortion ends! Fighting!”

“Happily depriving myself of COFFEE until babies are no longer deprived of LIFE!”

“I’ve always, always loved Butterfinger candy bars. In fact, to this day, my parents still send me Butterfinger candy bars for my birthday. But until abortion doctors get their grubby hands off of our unborn children, I won’t lay another finger on a Butterfinger.”

This is an actual screencap. These are actual people.

Giving up your personal first world vices, for a week at best, to protest the reproductive rights of others. Truly this is the Greatest-er Generation. Just look at all the people you’ve inspired with your martyrdom. Somebody call Hollywood.

"This can of Pringles. Why did I keep these Pringles? Ten more people. Ten more people."

These people (a lot of whom are kids, so they have some excuse) actually think that anyone gives a damn about their New Year’s resolution-style protest. Which is not protest. A “protest” involves getting people to give a damn. Getting sprayed with firehoses is a protest. A hunger strike is a protest. Hell, a sternly-worded letter is a protest. Giving up red meat? That’s Lent.

Those people who shoot doctors, bomb clinics and terrorize people are complete scum, but give them this: at least they DO something.

This video says it all a lot better than I can.

Missouri’s Torture Camp for Young Girls

I had thought I had become completely jaded when it came to American Christianity’s ever-flowing haterade for women and children. Money-wasting, unconstitutional abortion restrictions? Saw them coming. Conscience clauses? Old hat.

But this one took me aback. Mainly because it takes place 35 miles from my house.

Welcome to New Beginnings Girls Academy.

New Beginnings describes itself as a character-building facility for “troubled teens,” and what Jeannie Marie heard in church that day was that this might be a place for her daughter to heal. While jogging earlier that year, the 17-year-old (whom I’ll call Roxy) had been pulled into a vehicle and assaulted by a group of men. Since then, she had begun acting up at home, as well as sneaking out and drinking. Two weeks after seeing the girls in church, Jeannie Marie and her husband left Roxy in McNamara’s care with the promise that she would receive counseling twice a week and stay at New Beginnings no longer than two months. “It sounded like a discipleship program,” Jeannie Marie recalls. “A safe place where a daughter can go to have time alone to find God and her direction.”

What would Jesus do with a troubled rape victim? How about cutting them off from family and breaking them! That ought to do it.

She was monitored day and night by two “buddies,” girls who’d been there awhile and knew the drill. They accompanied her to the shower and toilet, and introduced her to a life of communal isolation and rigid discipline. Girls were not allowed to converse except from 6 to 9 p.m. each Friday. They were not allowed contact with their families during their first month, or with anyone else for six months. By that time, Roxy said, most girls are “broken,” having been told that their families have abandoned them, and that the world outside is a sinful, dangerous place where girls who leave are murdered or raped.

It goes on. Force feeding, isolation chambers, oh how it goes on. And it’s all legal! Yay faith-based exemptions! After I posted this on Facebook, I’ve heard more tales of this place. And I’m frothing with white hot rage.

How long are we going to let people hurt children under the banner of faith?

EDIT: Survivors of NBGA have started a site here.

Some Advice, and a Preemptive Retraction

Socially awkward!

Some advice for all the single fellas out there:

If you text a girl you met briefly once (during a very awkward and embarrassing situation) and she says she’s not interested, that means it’s time to stop texting her. Don’t text her a day later. Don’t text her a week later. Don’t text her to just be friends when neither of you even knows the other. Don’t text her after she mentions she has a boyfriend now and she is definately not interested in you. Don’t text her to spend a weekend alone with you on the river, even if you “let her bring her boyfriend*”. Do not text her in a box. Do not text her with a fox. Just stop. fucking. texting. her.

Just my two cents.

——————-

I just realized I criticized and otherwise failed to appreciate a guy’s efforts to get into my pants.

oh my God what have I done

This poor, socially awkward fellow! To be called out (anonymously) so callously for his socially awkward behavior. Now that he has incurred consequences (except he hasn’t because y’know, anonymity) of his socially awkward behavior, he might be so scarred as to not be so socially awkward. And what will he use as an excuse to creep on women?

And that brute offered me a weekend getaway camping on the river. How scandalous. Look out, girls, if you’re not careful some madman might offer you a stay at a Hawaiian resort. Don’t want that happening, no sir! How could that possibly be read as threatening!

After all, humans are hardwired to reproduce! Therefore it follows that all efforts to get nookie are sacrosanct and that people should never, ever be criticized or held accountable for their actions. Boys will be boys! Hurk hurk.

Why didn’t I just say “no?” Maybe he didn’t hear the first time. Maybe I dressed too slutty?

And finally, STARVING WOMEN IN CHINA!

I apologize world. I’ll shut up now.

* I mentioned the fact that this boyfriend is a black belt in taekwondo. HE'S STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME THE MORON

Mary Cook Makes Me Think About Sex; Distracts Me

I know I said that I would do a review of the Creation Museum of the Ozarks. Well, fuck that. There’s a stupid letter that needs my attention.

Somebody agreed with Kathryn Jean Lopez on something, and that’s terrible. I don’t know which K-Lo article is being referred to, but they are all the same slut-shaming pro-rape  nonsense (from an unmarried and childless woman, natch) so it doesn’t matter.

I graduated in 1965, and no teen girl would have ever thought of wearing the revealing clothing that is allowed in schools today.

I bet they never would have thought of listening to Justin Bieber either. What’s your point?

These young girls do get the results they seem to be seeking — the attention of the male students — and it is definitely not in a positive way.

Actually, from my limited experience with young girl’s fashion (seeing as how I once was a young girl, albeit a very anti-fashion one), the result they want is the attention (and acceptance) of FEMALE students. At least the popular ones. Minor digression.

Wait, no, that’s not a minor digression. Why is it always assumed that we always do things for the benefit of guys? Even little kids, uncorrupted by feminazi brainwashing, have lives of their own. Maybe it’s for boys, maybe it’s for their own benefit, maybe it’s to show that snotty Suzie Heinman in Mr. Wright’s class who is what.

Continue, sillybuns:

When my husband and I saw the Tide commercial for the first time, we just looked at each other in disbelief. Selling the product was overshadowed by dad saying “no” to the short skirt to make the daughter aware that this attire was unacceptable.

But mom comes to the daughter’s rescue and essentially says, “What dad thinks doesn’t matter.” The daughter walks off with a smile on her face, and dad becomes the bad guy.

I haven’t seen the commercial in question, but I agree! How messed up is it to make one parent the bad guy?…

I also see mothers who show no self-respect for themselves by the revealing clothes they wear. They are not good role models for their impressionable daughters.

…oh.

My bad. I forgot it’s OK to make one parent the bad guy if it’s a woman. Be she schoolgirl or mother, women assume all responsibilities for other people’s behavior.

We humans are what we eat and become what we allow ourselves to be surrounded by.

We conclude with an out-of-place cliche that can only be assumed to be a cunnilingus joke. Good night everybody!

Rock Me Sexy Jesus

Except for Ignite, maybe. You should totally buy this shirt, btw!*

So apparently there’s a wee Joplin church that decided to cut human sexuality a little slack in its ad campaign for its joyless anti-sex religion. This has aggravated normal practitioners of the joyless anti-sex religion, who have the impression that an ideal world is a world of sexless neuters and stupid kids.

“People bring their kids to Sonic and their kids are going to look at that sign and say, ‘Mommy what’s that mean?’ and, oh my God, and then that parent has to explain,” Warren said.

Oh no, you’ll have to explain something to your kids! How could this church rob your delusion that keeping reality from your child for as long as possible is a good thing and that kids won’thear about sex from other kids before they even reach kindergarten children of their innocence? What’s next? Condom commercials during our gory police procedural shows?

Seriously, if you don’t want to explain sex to your kids, here’s a suggestion. Get a cat, get it fixed, and don’t have kids until you grow a pair. (“A pair of what, Mommy?” OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE)

A hearty huzzah to Ignite for taking the first baby step towards having a healthy attitude towards sex. Isn’t it sad, though, that I’m giving a cookie to someone for merely acknowledging that sex exists and isn’t an evil, dirty thing?

Then I remember that this is a region where people freak out over National Geographic.**

* This shirt is available here.

**Holy crap, have you seen this month’s issue? They have an article on domesticated foxes. No word on naked people, but I can’t wait to buy it nonetheless.

Two Things I Was Involved With Instead of This Blog

Wow. Between work and the tits-out Republican berserker assault on everything good, I have been totally burned out on all blogular activities. My last post was pretty much a rerun, for cripes!

Instead:

1. I’ve been helping my friend Whitney move to the lost city of Atlanta. Go read his blog and send good vibes! Not cheap vibes that break after so many uses! We want top shelf stuff!

2. I have been designing shirts for manboobz.com, Dave Futrelle’s hilarious misogyny-mocking blog. They’ve gone live today and you should totally buy one, since all proceeds go to charity. Also, did I mention I got to collaborate with Shaenon K. freaking Garrity, creator of the classic webcomic Narbonic? I’ve done nothing to deserve such awesomeness!

(After you’re done shopping there, I also have a Zazzle, and a Spreadshirt store. They are both NSFW, especially the latter one)

3. I have been playing old adventure games on my iPhone, unfortunately I cannot link to any of my achievements (both technically and out of a sense of dignity) so you’ll have to take my word for it. Hey PC-to-iPhone app porters! How about one of you get the rights for Shivers and port that shit! And will Microids ever stop dragging its ass on a Syberia port?

Way To Prove My Point Dude

Surprisingly, the comments section on my latest letter did NOT go to hell in a handbasket.

It went to SUPERHELL.

A REAL MAN wrote:

If these ladies did not go around looking like young hookers all the time there would probablybe less rapes, and not to mention women drinking so much. I DO NOT THINK A WOMAN’S POOR CHOICE GIVES HER THE RIGHT TO KILL!

Heather wrote:

People really cant get that this in no way redefines rape. Anytime concent is not given its a forced act hence ‘forcable rape’. Also check the stats a very VERY slim amount of rapes result in pregnancy because the body is under such stress both physicaly and emotionally. Most abortions are pregnancys that result from concensual sex, and frankly I do not want a penny of my money used to kill an innocent baby cus chicky couldnt keep her legs closed! (note I did not say in rape cases I said in consenual cases) We all know what birth control is and how to use it. As far as it being a ‘woman choice what to do with her body’ fine, but its not your body that you are killing now is it?

Look at it this way– these fine ladies and gentlemen have single-handedly proven my thesis. It’s the “pro-rape” movement now. Pass it on.

They also help prove the point that pro-rapists are all morons, as evidence by the toting of the already discredited Lila Rose “sting.”

If you don’t think women ask for it by wearing skirts and shouldn’t have to keep their legs shut all the time, won’t you please donate?