Surprise! The Internet Has Less Jerks Than I Expected.

Since I’ve turned into a Twitter recluse*, while the JHS graduation speech played in another window, I figured I’d to watch the Twitter reaction to it and watch for trolls.
I was amazed that pretty much everyone, even the Republicans, stuck to being positive about it. You know this is the internet, right? The Id’s Electronic Litterbox? Why aren’t you writhing in righteous white man fury like they are on the Joplin Globe’s Facebook page?

I guess not many people felt like taking the winds out of the sails of graduating students who were also tornado victims. There were only two that I thought were screencap worthy. I’ll share them with you.

First up is @JustHorrified.

Christ, what an asshole.

And this one…well, this one….

This one raises a very good point! Where WAS Obama when the Joplin hurricane stroke?!?

 

*Oh my god, this is just SAD. It’s sad to TYPE. What’s happened to me?

Joplin Globe Madness: THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

I appreciate Kay Bradley’s reality check in Sunday’s paper. I especially appreciate the sheer effort she put in journeying from her reality into ours.

In our clamoring for our sweet, sweet child support money and abortion parties, we often forget just how lucky we are here, in the world’s #37th best country for health care. I forgot how easy it was to get birth control. I forgot about the healthcare programs which provide birth control for low income families, which is odd considering how I”m constantly reading about attempts to get these programs defunded or rendered toothless with medieval regulations.

This may be hard to believe, but not all women have the same access to contraception as Kay Bradley. I know, people for some reason live differently than Kay Bradley and expect to be taken seriously.

Ok I am trying to write a coherent response to an incoherent letter but all I end up doing is banging on a keyboard and snapping at my loved ones. This letter can be popped with one simple fact.
THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

It requires the insurance company, the one you pay into, to cover it. Not your religious employer. Not the hard-working taxpayer who loves complaining about birth control just as much as they love complaining about people who aren’t like them having too many kids.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And further, I’d like to point out that if this violates your employer’s religious liberties, so does everything you do with the wages you earn that s/he doesn’t approve of. Because your insurance is compensation for the work you do.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And with that fact, Kay’s letter pops and collapses in a flaccid, wrinkled heap of rubber and nonsense.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

Although it should, goddammit.

Joplin Globe Madness: “Venting” is the PC Word for “Whining”

Rita wrote in today, but nobody cares. Not when there’s fresh meat around. Especially fresh meat that spews every non-grievance grievance into an incoherent jumble of white whining*?

Pardon me, "venting."

Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Miller does not whine. She vents.

She starts off whining about smoker’s rights. Now, I’m all for legal drugs and employee rights, and I go back and forth on smoking bans (on one hand: worker safety; on the other hand, smoking sections usually don’t have screaming kids), and I’ve got an eye for implied freedoms in the spirit of the Constitution.

That being said, there is no such thing as even implied smoker’s rights in the Constitution. Unless you interpret a cigarette as an arm you can bear.  You can kill people with it, but it’s kind of a slow way isn’t it?  I can appreciate you wanting to kill someone slowly and painfully, we all have days like that, but there’s a limit for Pete’s sake! That’s what God gave us Draino and opaque drinks for. I really wish the smoker’s lobby would change their terminology.

Anyway, she wants to be tolerated by employers. Just follow her example!

If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.

…Wow. I’m “subjected” to obese people every day. Depending on your definition of obese (which varies wildly), I’m sadly subjected to my fat ass every moment. Personally I’d rather be subjected to 100 obese people than one superficial self-absorbed wanker like Julia Miller. Unfortunately, I’m also subjected to Julia Millers every day too. Maybe we can get random catty jerk screenings at work?

Reflecting on fat people reminds her that there are other people who aren’t like her, and she totally unravels.

Like Mexicans and presidents!

We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”

And of course she’s a fucking stuck-up godbag as well. As Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. Also NO FAT CHICKS.”

Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.

Oh hey! Did you hear about Jessica Ahlquist, Julia Miller? Did you hear how her side totally creamed yours in court? And how your side is totally shitting the bed, threatening her, griping like spoiled children…basically pulling a Julia Miller? And how nothing they can do can change the fact that they lost horribly?

I just thought you might like to hear that. I know I do.

Anyway! Don’t forget to tell us how persecuted white people are!

I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.

First off, if you’re glowing in the dark, that’s not Caucasian. That’s a bioluminescent deep-sea fish. You’re not even a fucking tetrapod. Stop meddling in human sociopolitics, fish.

Second off, as previously stated everywhere else, they do have white hetero pride days. They’re called EVERY DAY. Privilege! LEARN IT.

After taking a dig at people who use a word to describe their ethnicity and their nationality, but before the hilarious parting shot about immigration (please, somebody dig up this woman’s family tree and see if her ancestors came here “the right way”. As in not just showing up and claiming any Indian land you set foot on.), she concludes thus:

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons?

The true meaning of tolerance, it turns out, is “don’t be noticeably different than me and if you are, don’t challenge my privilege and assumptions. And don’t leave your house if you’re fat.”

Maybe we should make February “Chain Smoking Snotty White Wanker History Month.” I nominate Julia for the planning committee.

*Speaking of which, if you haven’t already you should go to whitewhine.com. It’s like this letter,  only less consolidated.

Joplin Globe Madness: The Descent of Dan

It’s been said that Dan Walters is one of the best Globe letter writers. By me, anyway. But his latest missive has left me underwhelmed. It’s basic form letter whining about PHAMRY VALUES, with just a dash of welfare bashing.

Hint hint, guys. Welfare not going to married people first is a “penalty” in the same way that having a gash on your arm and being treated after the guy with a rebar impaled through his head is a penalty. Married people tend to be more financially secure then those who aren’t.

It’s just boring boring boring. He needs to crank up the venom, like in his old letters. I appreciate the passive aggressive addressing of the Globe editorial staff as fancy big word users with college book learnin’ in the fourth paragraph, but it’s not enough. I hope he’s not mellowing with age. I need something to chew on.

Hey! Maybe you can take up my chewing slack in the fancy new Globe comments system. Yeah, it’s old news by now but whatever. The Globe finally got rid of the fucking anonymous comment system. Yay! Thanks guys!

Can I make a suggestion though? Can you make the new comment apps mobile friendly? I do pretty much all my intertubing by phone now. I’d appreciate it mucho.

Joplin Globe Madness: Don Ray Am the 53%

Don Ray has just noticed that the precious widdle left is “stirring up trouble!” Which he then goes on to say is threatening to unravel the very fabric of America, after going out of his way to be as patronizing as possible. Like toddlers who throw crayons on the floor, if the crayons were made of anthrax and the floor was a nuclear missile launch button.

I’m guessing Mr. Ray is not part of the 1%, but rather the 53%. That’s the part of the 99% that loves sucking corporate cock. Their movement is summed up thusly:

(If you don’t get the reference, here:)

Joplin Globe Madness: Rita Crowell’s Amazing Tennis Ball Trick

image c/o Rawhead in the comments

 

Man, ever since the tornado, there hasn’t been much silliness in the Voices section. It’s become a chore to read, honestly. We got somebody thanking folks for helping clean up after the tornado, we got someone fretting about the economy, we got Rita Crowell complaining about sacrilegious tennis balls, we got a old fellow complaining about wait a minute what was that?

Tennis balls make Jesus cry?

There was an article in The Joplin Globe this past month regarding a female artist who enjoyed tennis so much that she inserted tennis balls in a fanciful manner into her own paintings of classical art.

I would strongly urge her, and anyone else, not to insert anything to destroy or distort the integrity of any Christian religious painting.

To me, this is sacrilegious, irreverent and makes a mockery of God our creator, sustainer and redeemer.

You think that’s bad, you obviously haven’t seen what this lady does with ping pong balls.

On This Day, We Are All Av-I-Tar

Surely you’re already familiar with commenting on the Globe’s articles. You don’t register, and nothing is required outside a verification code and a comment. It is simply assumed that you will put in your name, e-mail address and whatnot. It’s also assumed that you won’t use anyone else’s handle or commit sockpuppetry. This assumes honesty and decency which simply doesn’t exist anywhere, especially on the internet and double especially on the Globe’s site. The Globe’s lack of registration is a sitting duck. Any n00b who has difficulty making HTML codes would laugh at this setup.

I think if such a system were to be abused, it would best be abused by folks with the Globe’s best interests in mind. I’ll come back to that.

Another thing you’re probably familiar with is the fact that the Globe comments are batfuck crazy and hateful. In this kingdom of filth, one commenter named Av-I-Tar wears the crown. So Joplin Expats decided to have some fun and pretend to be Av-I-Tar for a while. The real (?) Av-I-Tar flipped his shit, despite the fact that no one could tell the difference between the real and the fake. At least I couldn’t. I’m not convinced that the real Av-I-Tar is just some liberal punking us all, anyway.

Joplin Expats was just up for a bit of fun at the expense of a psycho godbag, and so am I when you scrape the surface, but I see potential for so much more. I propose that EVERYONE post under the name Av-I-Tar. You can mimic his comments, or just write normal ones, it doesn’t matter as long as you use “Av-I-Tar” as your handle.

Perhaps, if enough people abuse the system and render conversations useless, perhaps the Globe’s site designers will be motivated to put some registration system in so we know who it is we’re talking to.

Way To Prove My Point Dude

Surprisingly, the comments section on my latest letter did NOT go to hell in a handbasket.

It went to SUPERHELL.

A REAL MAN wrote:

If these ladies did not go around looking like young hookers all the time there would probablybe less rapes, and not to mention women drinking so much. I DO NOT THINK A WOMAN’S POOR CHOICE GIVES HER THE RIGHT TO KILL!

Heather wrote:

People really cant get that this in no way redefines rape. Anytime concent is not given its a forced act hence ‘forcable rape’. Also check the stats a very VERY slim amount of rapes result in pregnancy because the body is under such stress both physicaly and emotionally. Most abortions are pregnancys that result from concensual sex, and frankly I do not want a penny of my money used to kill an innocent baby cus chicky couldnt keep her legs closed! (note I did not say in rape cases I said in consenual cases) We all know what birth control is and how to use it. As far as it being a ‘woman choice what to do with her body’ fine, but its not your body that you are killing now is it?

Look at it this way– these fine ladies and gentlemen have single-handedly proven my thesis. It’s the “pro-rape” movement now. Pass it on.

They also help prove the point that pro-rapists are all morons, as evidence by the toting of the already discredited Lila Rose “sting.”

If you don’t think women ask for it by wearing skirts and shouldn’t have to keep their legs shut all the time, won’t you please donate?

A Brilliant Idea From South Dakota

Just a quick reminder:

The government requiring you to buy insurance: unconstitutional Socialism.

The government requiring you to buy a gun: totally kosher.

Five South Dakota lawmakers have introduced legislation that would require any adult 21 or older to buy a firearm “sufficient to provide for their ordinary self-defense.”

The bill, which would take effect Jan. 1, 2012, would give people six months to acquire a firearm after turning 21. The provision does not apply to people who are barred from owning a firearm.

First off, I am on the fence about gun control. While it is true that gunfreaks are mostly comprised of horrifically stupid fruitloops, I don’t see how banning guns would curb gun violence. If banning stuff worked, we wouldn’t have drugs or backalley abortions.

Also, my misanthropic side loves the self-weeding nature of gun culture.  Most gun owners are statistically far more likely to remove themselves or close relatives from the gene pool. When I consider that, I think this bill is a wonderful idea. Give the stupid voters of South Dakota the means to off themselves with.

Yeah, yeah, eliminationist rhetoric. Give me a break, I’ve been snowed inside the house for two days straight and I’m going CRAZY.

Anyway, turns out this is grandstanding to make a point about health care.

Rep. Hal Wick, R-Sioux Falls, is sponsoring the bill and knows it will be killed. But he said he is introducing it to prove a point that the federal health care reform mandate passed last year is unconstitutional.

“Do I or the other cosponsors believe that the State of South Dakota can require citizens to buy firearms? Of course not. But at the same time, we do not believe the federal government can order every citizen to buy health insurance,” he said.

…so yeah where are those jobs you folks promise us? Is that after you’re done redefining rape and making kamikaze bills?

——–

(Unrelated: I have this thing in the paper today. Also check out this letter by JoHelen Umphenour.)

http://www.joplinglobe.com/editorial/x644379860/Your-view-Long-before-1973

JGM: Knights?

Okay, okay, I know that the Theory of Rita-tivity implies that Gary L. Stewart’s letter can be immediately discounted due to agreeing with Rita Crowell. Still.

Talk show host Chuck Bates declared that the present statistic of daily abortions is 4,000. If this is true, it’s so sad.

Talk show hosts are always reliable! Does anyone know how to say “talk show host” in Latin? In the meantime I will dub this fallacy argumentum ad Mauryeum.

Also, everyone, please understand, if Congress does not repeal the health care bill, billions of dollars taken from us will be given to Planned Parenthood to pay for even more innocent lives to end. Innocent blood sacrificed to the god of Mammon or to the evil people who seem to hate human beings for whatever reason.

I know I beat this into the ground, but do anti-choicers ever freakin’ listen to themselves? Jeez.

Last November we put 80 more knights of good in place to defend our children and grandchildren. There is more hope for them than before.

About your “knights of good”…

– They’re OK with your children and granchildren being forced into marriage.

– They’re OK with your children and grandchildren being raped- as long as it’s not by force.

With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to “forcible rape.” This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible.

–They’re OK with your children and grandchildren dying of back alley abortions because they can’t access safe, legal ones. Like in Pennsylvania, which has a crazy amount of restrictions.

– They’re OK with your children and grandchildren dying in wars, dying because of a lack of health care, being poisoned by industiral pollution, exploited by corporations, and so on and so on…

Your knights will not only not defend your children and grandchildren after they are born, they will wage war against them.