Surprise! The Internet Has Less Jerks Than I Expected.

Since I’ve turned into a Twitter recluse*, while the JHS graduation speech played in another window, I figured I’d to watch the Twitter reaction to it and watch for trolls.
I was amazed that pretty much everyone, even the Republicans, stuck to being positive about it. You know this is the internet, right? The Id’s Electronic Litterbox? Why aren’t you writhing in righteous white man fury like they are on the Joplin Globe’s Facebook page?

I guess not many people felt like taking the winds out of the sails of graduating students who were also tornado victims. There were only two that I thought were screencap worthy. I’ll share them with you.

First up is @JustHorrified.

Christ, what an asshole.

And this one…well, this one….

This one raises a very good point! Where WAS Obama when the Joplin hurricane stroke?!?

 

*Oh my god, this is just SAD. It’s sad to TYPE. What’s happened to me?

Wait, I Can’t Shoot People OR Give Them Wedgies? What a Rip-Off!

As you already know, there’s an anti-bullying movement sweeping the nation and growing every day. As more people stand up against a pervasive evil, more conservatives slowly realize that “hey…some of these people against bullying are LIBERALS” and scrabble to bullying’s defense. (Until they chicken out, that is.)

You can’t blame them, really. Without bullying, there would be no Republicans. Without bullying, there’s nothing to force people to worship your god or do everything you say just because you have more muscle mass. Show me a successful anti-bullying school program and 12 years later I’ll show you campuses completely void of Young Republican chapters.

Via Amanda Marcotte’s feed, I found Joshua Trevino’s tweet that backs that up.

“Re-litigate” their childhoods? So they did it before?

Anyway, from that guy came these guys.

I like how something being a fact of life = OK and permissible. I wonder what his opinions are on abortion, taxes, evolution, and non-procreative sex? And on the flip side, what are his opinions on his ability to survive without civilization’s many safety nets and perks, and Jesus?

There’s also the pesky fact of life, medicine. Specifically, your medicine, which you might unexpectedly have to taste.

And this is the best part right here, where I must admit Defend Wall Street expertly points out the flaws in my argument.

Man, adulthood for bullies must suck. Not only can you not give people swirlies anymore, but the movies lied to you and you can’t shoot or judo kick people without going to jail.

I made sure to let him know that. Who’d have thought? It actually does Get Better.

Fun with Roy Blunt’s Twitter Feed (or: I Need to Get a Life)

My Twitter feed is abuzz with warm wishes for International Women’s Day, with one notable exception. Coincidence! He’s the only career misogynist I follow for trolling purposes! Unfortunately someone beat me to the trollery.

I imagine @RoyBlunt lumps women in with livestock. Why have two holidays when you can consolidate?

Newt Wants to Go to Space

Me and the fella are having a blast coming up with names for Newt’s moon base/state.

NEWT-GINIA

GINGRICHISTAN

MOON UNIT NEWTA

Joplin Globe Madness: “Venting” is the PC Word for “Whining”

Rita wrote in today, but nobody cares. Not when there’s fresh meat around. Especially fresh meat that spews every non-grievance grievance into an incoherent jumble of white whining*?

Pardon me, "venting."

Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Miller does not whine. She vents.

She starts off whining about smoker’s rights. Now, I’m all for legal drugs and employee rights, and I go back and forth on smoking bans (on one hand: worker safety; on the other hand, smoking sections usually don’t have screaming kids), and I’ve got an eye for implied freedoms in the spirit of the Constitution.

That being said, there is no such thing as even implied smoker’s rights in the Constitution. Unless you interpret a cigarette as an arm you can bear.  You can kill people with it, but it’s kind of a slow way isn’t it?  I can appreciate you wanting to kill someone slowly and painfully, we all have days like that, but there’s a limit for Pete’s sake! That’s what God gave us Draino and opaque drinks for. I really wish the smoker’s lobby would change their terminology.

Anyway, she wants to be tolerated by employers. Just follow her example!

If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.

…Wow. I’m “subjected” to obese people every day. Depending on your definition of obese (which varies wildly), I’m sadly subjected to my fat ass every moment. Personally I’d rather be subjected to 100 obese people than one superficial self-absorbed wanker like Julia Miller. Unfortunately, I’m also subjected to Julia Millers every day too. Maybe we can get random catty jerk screenings at work?

Reflecting on fat people reminds her that there are other people who aren’t like her, and she totally unravels.

Like Mexicans and presidents!

We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”

And of course she’s a fucking stuck-up godbag as well. As Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. Also NO FAT CHICKS.”

Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.

Oh hey! Did you hear about Jessica Ahlquist, Julia Miller? Did you hear how her side totally creamed yours in court? And how your side is totally shitting the bed, threatening her, griping like spoiled children…basically pulling a Julia Miller? And how nothing they can do can change the fact that they lost horribly?

I just thought you might like to hear that. I know I do.

Anyway! Don’t forget to tell us how persecuted white people are!

I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.

First off, if you’re glowing in the dark, that’s not Caucasian. That’s a bioluminescent deep-sea fish. You’re not even a fucking tetrapod. Stop meddling in human sociopolitics, fish.

Second off, as previously stated everywhere else, they do have white hetero pride days. They’re called EVERY DAY. Privilege! LEARN IT.

After taking a dig at people who use a word to describe their ethnicity and their nationality, but before the hilarious parting shot about immigration (please, somebody dig up this woman’s family tree and see if her ancestors came here “the right way”. As in not just showing up and claiming any Indian land you set foot on.), she concludes thus:

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons?

The true meaning of tolerance, it turns out, is “don’t be noticeably different than me and if you are, don’t challenge my privilege and assumptions. And don’t leave your house if you’re fat.”

Maybe we should make February “Chain Smoking Snotty White Wanker History Month.” I nominate Julia for the planning committee.

*Speaking of which, if you haven’t already you should go to whitewhine.com. It’s like this letter,  only less consolidated.

White Guy Jokes

This is a crosspost from my Tumblr blog. Because 5 billion social platforms is never fucking enough. Feel free to add your own white guy jokes.

• Q: What’s the difference between a normal white guy and white trash?
• A: Who cares, they all fucking look alike.

• Q: What do you call it when a white guy gets a tax hike?
• A: The Holocaust.

• Q: Did you hear about the white guy who shot up a gym and killed a bunch of women?
• A: No one would date a nice guy like him.

• Q: What do you call a white guy who never ventures outside his worldview, parrots stuff you hear every day, and shits the bed when someone challenges the status quo?
• A: “Edgy”.

• Q: What’s the difference between Mary Shelley and a MGTOW?
• A: Mary Shelley mattered.

• Q: What do you call it when a white guy loses a video game?
• A: “Rape”.

• Q: How do you take a white guy’s freedom of speech away?
• A: Disagree with him.

• Q: What do you call it when there’s six white guys, a black guy, a Latina and a white woman in a room?
• A: Political correctness gone wild.

• Q: What if it’s eight white guys and just a black guy?
• A: Tokenism gone wild.

• What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and a white supremacist guy?
• Michelle Obama actually does something with her life.

• What do you call a white guy computer programmer with a cubicle job?
• A captain of industry.

—————

If you are offended by these, keep in mind that it’s all just joking, you humorless misogynazis.*

*This entire post is sarcastic, btw. Inspired by this comment thread at Pandagon.

Don’t Tread On Me

The next time I see a teabagger with a “Don’t Tread on Me” decal, flag or shirt, I will ask them when they were violently oppressed by government agents.

They will probably respond with something about socialist witch doctors and being raped by cigarette taxes, maybe make a few caveman noises for flavor.

At the conclusion of this discussion, I will proceed to tread on them in the crotch with my knees.

Joplin Globe Madness: Don Ray Am the 53%

Don Ray has just noticed that the precious widdle left is “stirring up trouble!” Which he then goes on to say is threatening to unravel the very fabric of America, after going out of his way to be as patronizing as possible. Like toddlers who throw crayons on the floor, if the crayons were made of anthrax and the floor was a nuclear missile launch button.

I’m guessing Mr. Ray is not part of the 1%, but rather the 53%. That’s the part of the 99% that loves sucking corporate cock. Their movement is summed up thusly:

(If you don’t get the reference, here:)

Missouri’s Torture Camp for Young Girls

I had thought I had become completely jaded when it came to American Christianity’s ever-flowing haterade for women and children. Money-wasting, unconstitutional abortion restrictions? Saw them coming. Conscience clauses? Old hat.

But this one took me aback. Mainly because it takes place 35 miles from my house.

Welcome to New Beginnings Girls Academy.

New Beginnings describes itself as a character-building facility for “troubled teens,” and what Jeannie Marie heard in church that day was that this might be a place for her daughter to heal. While jogging earlier that year, the 17-year-old (whom I’ll call Roxy) had been pulled into a vehicle and assaulted by a group of men. Since then, she had begun acting up at home, as well as sneaking out and drinking. Two weeks after seeing the girls in church, Jeannie Marie and her husband left Roxy in McNamara’s care with the promise that she would receive counseling twice a week and stay at New Beginnings no longer than two months. “It sounded like a discipleship program,” Jeannie Marie recalls. “A safe place where a daughter can go to have time alone to find God and her direction.”

What would Jesus do with a troubled rape victim? How about cutting them off from family and breaking them! That ought to do it.

She was monitored day and night by two “buddies,” girls who’d been there awhile and knew the drill. They accompanied her to the shower and toilet, and introduced her to a life of communal isolation and rigid discipline. Girls were not allowed to converse except from 6 to 9 p.m. each Friday. They were not allowed contact with their families during their first month, or with anyone else for six months. By that time, Roxy said, most girls are “broken,” having been told that their families have abandoned them, and that the world outside is a sinful, dangerous place where girls who leave are murdered or raped.

It goes on. Force feeding, isolation chambers, oh how it goes on. And it’s all legal! Yay faith-based exemptions! After I posted this on Facebook, I’ve heard more tales of this place. And I’m frothing with white hot rage.

How long are we going to let people hurt children under the banner of faith?

EDIT: Survivors of NBGA have started a site here.

Some Advice, and a Preemptive Retraction

Socially awkward!

Some advice for all the single fellas out there:

If you text a girl you met briefly once (during a very awkward and embarrassing situation) and she says she’s not interested, that means it’s time to stop texting her. Don’t text her a day later. Don’t text her a week later. Don’t text her to just be friends when neither of you even knows the other. Don’t text her after she mentions she has a boyfriend now and she is definately not interested in you. Don’t text her to spend a weekend alone with you on the river, even if you “let her bring her boyfriend*”. Do not text her in a box. Do not text her with a fox. Just stop. fucking. texting. her.

Just my two cents.

——————-

I just realized I criticized and otherwise failed to appreciate a guy’s efforts to get into my pants.

oh my God what have I done

This poor, socially awkward fellow! To be called out (anonymously) so callously for his socially awkward behavior. Now that he has incurred consequences (except he hasn’t because y’know, anonymity) of his socially awkward behavior, he might be so scarred as to not be so socially awkward. And what will he use as an excuse to creep on women?

And that brute offered me a weekend getaway camping on the river. How scandalous. Look out, girls, if you’re not careful some madman might offer you a stay at a Hawaiian resort. Don’t want that happening, no sir! How could that possibly be read as threatening!

After all, humans are hardwired to reproduce! Therefore it follows that all efforts to get nookie are sacrosanct and that people should never, ever be criticized or held accountable for their actions. Boys will be boys! Hurk hurk.

Why didn’t I just say “no?” Maybe he didn’t hear the first time. Maybe I dressed too slutty?

And finally, STARVING WOMEN IN CHINA!

I apologize world. I’ll shut up now.

* I mentioned the fact that this boyfriend is a black belt in taekwondo. HE'S STILL FUCKING TEXTING ME THE MORON