Archive for the 'Politics' Category

16
Mar
13

But We Do Need Grenade Launching Pistols. Because Freedom.

I was surprised to reach the end of this letter and not see Rita Crowell’s name. Carl W. Biggers loves the Second Amendment, and is not above tossing some pro-life fanservice into the first sentence.

Our government doesn’t want us shooting people but doesn’t seem to care how many babies are murdered in the womb.

I don’t think he realizes that it sounds like he’s genuinely disappointed that he can’t go around shooting people.

In the Jan. 25, 2013, Joplin Globe, it was reported that her ban would include rifles, handguns with one of any military style features — detachable stock, grenade launchers — as well as 157 specific firearms.

OH THAT LYING SKANK. She sounded all reasonable at first, but then she wants to take away our pistols. Our grenade-launching pistols. What a fascist.

I agree we don’t need slide fire stocks on rifles that can shoot 100 rounds in 7 seconds. We don’t need large capacity magazines. We don’t need threaded barrels for silencers, and we don’t need silencers. We do need to keep our Second Amendment rights to carry our handguns for home, family and self-protection. We should be able to keep our chance to help stop crimes in progress.

Slightly related– did you hear about the guy who stabbed the burglar in the eyeball with a knife? IF THEY HAD A GUN THIS WOULDN’T HAVE—oh wait….

I think the government wants all guns out of law-abiding citizens hands so when they become dictators, they won’t have to face an uprising.

You know what I’ve noticed? I hear a lot of people saying we need guns to shed the blood of tyrants. Like a whole lot of people saying so. We apparently have a goodly amount of Jack the Tyrant Killers in this country.

Apparently our tyrants are usually schoolchildren, peace protestors, black kids, women going to the gym, and people who attend midnight screenings of popular movies. Normal citizens and easy pickings. Meanwhile, actual government heads openly muse about taking away people’s rights, and they sleep like babies. Perhaps most gun fetishists don’t really give a shit about shedding the blood of tyrants. They want to be tyrants.

Take us out with some Jesus, Carl!

I am a born-again Christian and pray that God will convince the hearts of our government to pay attention to him before it is too late.

Jesus isn’t the guy that gives you grenade launching pistols. You’re thinking of Santa.

16
Dec
12

I Have the Right to Not Bear Arms

(Hey! Are you reading this post months after it was published? Well, good news– I crafted it so it can apply to any spree shooting. Just copy and paste this the next time a spree shooting comes along. And there will be a next time. )

With the latest spree shooting, here comes the latest spree victim-blaming from right-wing gun frootloops* and their unwitting enablers.
“Hurp derp, if only those teachers were armed, if only we could conceal and carry in theaters, if only I could whip out my sweet Gun Katta skills and whaled on them, then those people wouldn’t be dead huh huh hurp”.

Never mind whether or not this is true (Mother Jones says it isn’t, but how can you say a spree shooting wasn’t stopped if it was stopped before it became a spree shooting? BRAINPUZZLER). The implication is that we are responsible for our own deaths if we go out of our house without our trenchcoats and semi-autos which we all obviously have had the time and interest and resources to learn to master.

It’s the “if only she was wearing modest clothes, she wouldn’t have been raped” argument. It’s blaming the victim. It’s saying we should go out of our way to appease the unremarkable monsters in our species. Fuck that.

You see, guns don’t frighten me or offend me. They bore the living piss out of me, even moreso than motorcycles and scrapbooking (although less than Christian radio). I resent the notion that I have to augment my life with gun ownership to justify my very existence. And that’s just my indifference talking; imagine people who actually detest them for whatever reason?

I do not carry guns. I won’t carry guns. And I am free to do so. And fuck you for suggesting it’s my fault if someone murders me. I am not going to take time out of my fleeting life to conform to your dumb little club just because you can’t face the harsh reality that if you were in those situations, you won’t be the stoic action hero of your fantasies. You will be panicking and reacting just like those lowly unarmed folk.

It reminds me of the “Freedom of Religion, Not Freedom From Religion” non-argument. I know this will hurt a lot of people’s brains, but the first necessarily implies the other. You have the right to bear arms, likewise, I have the right to not bear arms.

Depicted: Not You

*I have seen gun nuts take pride in the fact that “nuts” is a slang term for testicles, which their anxious masculinity clings to like Peter Jackson clings to slow motion. I WILL DENY THEM EVEN THIS SMALL COMFORT. YOU ARE ALL FROOTLOOPS NOW.
17
Nov
12

Joplin Globe Madness: I Don’t Remember Any Donkeys In Jurassic Park

I’m going to try doing a weekly Joplin Globe Madness from now one, in an  effort to generate content for this blog. Check out this week’s samplings:

I don’t remember any donkeys in Jurassic Park. But Steve Gobel does, apparently. I love this man’s letters; they make me look forward to senility. Behold, an excerpt from “the Phoenix”:

They had not heard the call from Rush, Mark and Sean directly. They were alerted by Republican politicians who hearkened to the unbending, unrelenting, Jurassic Park donkey message.

What a sight it was to behold as the phoenix rose from the ashes because of three Jurassic Park donkeys.

It reminds me of how much beauty there is in this world. “Jurassic Park donkeys”. It’s like the world was crafted just for you and I out of stardust and songs.

Meanwhile, Gail Hurlbut, non-trad student and obvious victim of childhood teasing (HURLBUT?!?  Poor thing.) is yet another “independent” voter. You know the type- the voter that definitely is *not* independent but dammit, who wants to label themselves, man? Anyway, she’s all pissed off, not at Akin for saying horrible things about rape, but at the Republicans who felt a twinge in either their vestigial moral sense or in their pocketbooks and pulled their support for him (if only temporarily).

The main mistake for Missouri is that Todd Akin did not lose the election for the Senate because of his statements about rape. He lost the election because Republicans turned their backs on him. No matter how stupid the statements made by Democrats, they stick together. The Republicans did not have enough sense to do that.

It wasn’t Akin’s fault for saying hatefully stupid things! It was the mean ol’ other Republicans. Party of personal responsibility, you guys.

Todd Akin did not lose by many votes, which proves that he could have won the election in Missouri with continued support from the Republican Party. He did not have that support. I respect Mr. Akin for staying in the election and getting the many votes he did get. Many voters in Missouri wanted him to win, and I am one of them. God bless Todd Akin and his family.

Mr. Akin, someone needs to apologize to you.

We respect you, rape apologist and benighted doofus. We’re sorry we couldn’t save you from your own stupid big mouth.

How’s that for an apology?

20
Sep
12

Remember: Republicans Hate You

I don’t read the physical paper as much as I used to. However, yesterday I picked one up off of a booth after someone else read it (after all, I am entitled to free papers, just as everything else, yes?) and what grabbed me wasn’t anything local. It was the cartoon they ran.

 

Image c/o The Boston Herald

I was like “Cool! They’re running Kelly’s stuff from the Onion!”

image c/o the Onion

But then I noticed the lack of a crying Statue of Liberty, and also that is was drawn by Jerry Holbert, who actually thinks this way.

Remember! If you’re insulted when Romney insults you, that means you’re a victim-victimy-victimpants! So vote for him! Also people on disability are weak whiners who should be mocked.

Ah, first Akin, then Romney…this is exquisite. Exquisite. This must be how Romney feels when he fires large swaths of people.

22
May
12

Surprise! The Internet Has Less Jerks Than I Expected.

Since I’ve turned into a Twitter recluse*, while the JHS graduation speech played in another window, I figured I’d to watch the Twitter reaction to it and watch for trolls.
I was amazed that pretty much everyone, even the Republicans, stuck to being positive about it. You know this is the internet, right? The Id’s Electronic Litterbox? Why aren’t you writhing in righteous white man fury like they are on the Joplin Globe’s Facebook page?

I guess not many people felt like taking the winds out of the sails of graduating students who were also tornado victims. There were only two that I thought were screencap worthy. I’ll share them with you.

First up is @JustHorrified.

Christ, what an asshole.

And this one…well, this one.

This one raises a very good point! Where WAS Obama when the Joplin hurricane stroke?!?

 

*Oh my god, this is just SAD. It’s sad to TYPE. What’s happened to me?

11
May
12

Wait, I Can’t Shoot People OR Give Them Wedgies? What a Rip-Off!

As you already know, there’s an anti-bullying movement sweeping the nation and growing every day. As more people stand up against a pervasive evil, more conservatives slowly realize that “hey…some of these people against bullying are LIBERALS” and scrabble to bullying’s defense. (Until they chicken out, that is.)

You can’t blame them, really. Without bullying, there would be no Republicans. Without bullying, there’s nothing to force people to worship your god or do everything you say just because you have more muscle mass. Show me a successful anti-bullying school program and 12 years later I’ll show you campuses completely void of Young Republican chapters.

Via Amanda Marcotte’s feed, I found Joshua Trevino’s tweet that backs that up.

Image

“Re-litigate” their childhoods? So they did it before?

Anyway, from that guy came these guys.

Image

I like how something being a fact of life = OK and permissible. I wonder what his opinions are on abortion, taxes, evolution, and non-procreative sex? And on the flip side, what are his opinions on his ability to survive without civilization’s many safety nets and perks, and Jesus?

There’s also the pesky fact of life, medicine. Specifically, your medicine, which you might unexpectedly have to taste.Image

And this is the best part right here, where I must admit Defend Wall Street expertly points out the flaws in my argument.Image

Man, adulthood for bullies must suck. Not only can you not give people swirlies anymore, but the movies lied to you and you can’t shoot or judo kick people without going to jail.

I made sure to let him know that. Who’d have thought? It actually does Get Better.

08
Mar
12

Fun with Roy Blunt’s Twitter Feed (or: I Need to Get a Life)

My Twitter feed is abuzz with warm wishes for International Women’s Day, with one notable exception. Coincidence! He’s the only career misogynist I follow for trolling purposes! Unfortunately someone beat me to the trollery.

I imagine lumps women in with livestock. Why have two holidays when you can consolidate?




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