Posts Tagged ‘Fun

20
Aug
12

I Should Probably Get Back to Blogging Shouldn’t I

Man, how many months has it been? There’s so much I’ve missed– dead celebrities, offensive legislation, fried chicken debates. You lose track of things once you start getting laid regularly.

Also! The atheist/skeptic/whatever movement blew up. Everybody got so sick of bullying dudebro skeptics, who were so clever when they found out the truth about God but didn’t think to apply that skepticism to gender roles or social issues, that we had a wee schism. C/O Jen McCreight of Blag Hag, we have leveled up to become Atheists Plus!

“Keep unintentionally or intentionally excluding women, minorities, and progressives while cluelessly wondering why you’re losing members, money, and clout. The rest of us will be moving on.

If you’re ready for this new wave of atheism, now is the time to speak up. Say that you’re ready. Vocally support organizations and individuals that are already doing it right. Vocally criticize the inappropriate and hateful behavior so the victims of such actions know you’re on their side. Demand that your organizations and clubs evolve, or start your own if they refuse.

The Boy’s Club may have historically ruled the movement, but they don’t own it. We can.”

I’m up for it. I am now an atheist plus. Or a plus atheist. Wev.

And to celebrate, I made a new t-shirt.

Sexist Skeptics Eff Off Shirt
Sexist Skeptics Eff Off Shirt by JohnnyKaje
Browse Zazzle for another teezazzle.com

Hopefully I can get my shit together and get a booth set up at Skepticon. But if I don’t, you can still get your shirts now! Wear it the next time you’re inexplicably booked for TAM! and can’t find someone else to go in your stead.

11
Oct
11

Are You Ready To Be Touched By JesusWeen?

I think a rock might actually be preferable.

I’m always amused by the efforts of insecure Christians to try and replace the second most popular American holiday with one where it’s acceptable to give children Chick Tracts instead of Reese’s Cups. “Trunk or treats!” “Harvest parties!” “Creation Parties!” The efforts are all as scattershot as they are laughably boring.

I think they’ve finally hit gold, though. Ladies and gentlemen, I present JesusWeen.

JesusWeen is a non profit organization also known as JesusWin. We are focused on helping people live better lives through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. JesusWeen is a God-given vision which was born as an answer to the cry of many every October 31st. The dictionary meaning of Ween is to expect, believe or think.

It’s also the name of a band that people keep trying to make me listen to. The more you bug me about it, the less likely I am to listen. Maybe Ween needs a holiday to spread the word about themselves. Call it WeenWeen.

Every year, the world and its system have a day set aside (October 31st) to celebrate ungodly images and evil characters while Christians all over the world participate, hide or just stay quiet on Halloween day. Being a day that is widely acceptable to solicit and knock on doors, God inspired us to encourage Christians to use this day as an opportunity to spread the gospel. The days of hiding are over and we choose to take a stand for Jesus. “Evil prevails when good people do nothing”. JesusWeen is expected to become the most effective Christian outreach day ever and that is why we also call it” World Evangelism Day”.

Oh wow! They really are just putting Bibles in kid’s candy sacks. Way to ween one for Jesus. In the meantime, I will be enjoying my ungodly images and evil characters. At least they don’t skimp on the Reese’s Cups.

03
May
11

A Trip To the Creation Museum of the Ozarks

The Creation Museum of the Ozarks

You remember how Branson is Las Vegas for Ned Flanders? Well, not yet. It’s missing a crucial component– a multi-million-dollar salmon-colored temple of lies. Enter Rod Butterworth:

This is really God’s vision, not mine. In the summer of 2007 I visited several dinosaur museums in different states (including one in Branson, Missouri) that were totally evolutionary in philosophy. One day in September 2007 I was literally meditating about this while resting and it suddenly came to me like a vision from heaven—Branson needs a creation museum.

And thus, the seed for the Creation Museum of the Ozarks was planted.

Are Christians even supposed to meditate? Anyway, they got incorporated and got concept drawings up, but they only got an actual museum up just recently, in nearby Strafford. Somebody in the Joplin Freethinkers forwarded this news to everybody, and I was like “OMG OMG OMG WE GOTTA GO.”

I called ahead to see if they were open, and while that was the case, it seems Dr. Butterworth wasn’t going to be there that day. His assistants would guide us through. He didn’t ask our group name, so I didn’t mention it.

Saturday came, and a whopping three of us headed to Strafford. We got there about 25 minutes before it opened, so we had a look around. Oh boy. I realized this wouldn’t be as fun as I had thought.

The interior

Calling the current location a hole in the wall would be getting your expectations up. Try a dent in a very steep incline. It’s a tiny little office space sandwiched between two other buildings. The windows were littered with Jurassic Park decals and vinyl toy dinosaurs. I secretly praise the indifferent universe that more members didn’t make the trip, for I smelled disappointment on the horizon. Either that, or it was the “Kuntry-Fied Cafe” across the street. Disappointment smells like delicious greasy spoon food; it’s an easy mistake.

To further compound the awkwardness, the two assistants that accepted us were super nice, cheery and gracious. They were completely unlike Dr. Sharp and other professional creationists I’ve met, who usually treat everyone around them like a mark. Our snark glands deflated, and we settled for biting our tongues as we were given the grand tour.

Different, Fake Evidence for a Different View

The mantra of this museum is the same as the big one in Kentucky- “same evidence, different views.” “We all work from the same evidence,” our guide told us, “we just have different ways of interpreting it.” Which is true, somewhat. Scientists go at things from an empirical, naturalistic perspective. Creationists make shit up. I’m not exaggerating; every single piece of evidence on display was either a blatant misinterpretation, an outright hoax, or wishful thinking.

Our guides showed us this evidence that the scientific community supposedly ignored. They wish. We had Ica stones, the London Artifact, polystrate fossils, the chameleon art that Dr. Sharp was hawking, T-Rex “blood cells“, the “living fossils disprove evolution” fallacy, the “monsters like Nessie and the Thunderbird prove that evolution is false even though those animals haven’t been proven to exist and are probably bullcrap anyway but wevs” canard. All items on display, all previously debunked or irrelevant from the start.

There was one I hadn’t seen before that caught my attention. It was a man/dino footprint from the Paluxy River in Texas. If you follow the topic, you already know about Paluxy’s infamous hoaxes, but our guide beat us to the punch. He admitted that most of them were phonies, but this one looks like the real deal! It even says on the printout-“verified by spiral CT scan!” Yet the evolutionists won’t let this information out to the public!

It caught my attention, because this is what the *coughcough* fossil looks like:

It’s not often a dinosaur print resembles a Lucky Charms marshmallow shape. Here’s a graphic for those of you not attuned to the fact that animal tracks aren’t normally flat and cartoony looking.

By "prepared a graphic" I mean "screencapped my Powerpoint." Don't hate.

When I got home I whipped out my google o’ nine tails and found out I wasn’t the first evolutionist to cover-up and ignore this thing. In creationist parlance, “covering up” is jargon for “looked at and dismissed as the obvious fake it was.” So creationists tried to salvage a source of bogus artifacts by presenting an even more bogus artifact. That works, I guess.

Did Not Do the Research

No. No, it is not a lemur.

Along with the humbug and fallacies and strawberry Newtons (yum!) were a lot of mistakes that seem to have been made out of sheer laziness. Fossils were misidentified, names were mispronounced, theories that haven’t seen the light of day since the late 70’s (hello, swamp-dwelling hadrosaurs!) were touted as current mainstream consensus.

“But but but,” you say, “scientists make mistakes all the time! You’re always harping about how that’s your biggest strength!” Ah, but there’s a difference, which was demonstrated to us when we reached the subject of hominids.

In 2009, scientists uncovered  remains of an early hominid called Ardipithicus. There was an ensuing media frenzy, and it turns out that it wasn’t as closely related to us as hyped. It’s still closer to us than chimps, though. Still an ape. Still a hominid. Our guide, however, told us that Ardi was debunked as “just a lemur.” That’s a little beyond laziness. It’s almost as if they’re deliberately lying to make the other side look bad. In science, mistakes are bugs in the system and are weeded out. In creationism, it’s a feature that’s selected for. That’s the difference between the two sides. That, and we have better taste in music.

Perhaps I protest too much though. These people believe in fire-breathing dinosaurs.

The Puzzling Possibility of Parasaurolophus Pyrotechnics

Remember when Dr. Sharp failed to deliver that doozy last time? Well, Dr. Butterworth and company came through, so eat it Sharp! We were escorted to the back to watch the above video, after which our guide elaborated on the remarkable abilities of Parasaurolophus.

Parasaurolophus. Not depicted: burninatin' the peasants.

Parasaurolophus was a lambeosaur, which is a duckbill dinosaur with a funky-ass head crest. After much theorizing and study, most scientists now think the crest was used to produce sounds. They even reconstructed the sound with computer models.

But some creationists, spearheaded by Duane Gish, like to think it stored hot chemicals in his head and shot it out in self defense, like how the modern day bombardier beetle shoots it out of its butt. Therefore fire-breathing. Therefore dragons. Therefore Jesus.

These guys get facts about the bombardier beetle and their own Biblical monsters wrong all the time– I challenge you to Google them yourselves, since I’m getting hyperlink fatigue– but everyone everywhere is mum on the possibility that Parasaurolophus could do this. Could it? I love dinosaurs, but I’m not an accredited Parasaurolophus expert. So I called someone who is.

I contacted Dr. Thomas Williamson, curator of the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science. You remember that Parasaurolophus sound reconstruction? He was behind that. I asked him if it was even possible.

“Wow,” he said, “that’s one I haven’t heard before.” Don’t blame me, man. Blame the evolutionist conspiracy.

Dr. Williamson politely disagrees. There’s no living analog of an animal with a bombardier-like ability to shoot hot liquid death out its honker, he told me. The crest was a thin structure and there was no evidence of any chemical-spewing bits. Most damning of all, however, was the fact that this crest was part of the respiratory tract. Inhaling toxic chemical residues doesn’t sound like evidence of good design to me.

But hey, science changes all the time. Perhaps when the CMOTO gets their funding they can use their spiral CT scans and make their own damn Parasaurolophus burnination simulation.

Computer reconstruction of fire-breathing Parasaurolophus. Verified by spiral C-T scan.

Winding Down

After the video was over, we were itching to end the awkwardness of the whole affair. We thanked our hosts, helped ourselves to some free literature, said goodbye to the Madagascar hissing cockroaches and made tracks to the nearby pizza joint. We felt dirty, and a little bit dumber, and I personally felt a little jealous because that rinkydink tourist trap had more Carnegie figures than I do (I collect those). A trip to the Springfield zoo helped us recoup.

Hopefully, if and when they get their big building, we’ll make another trip, and this time we won’t feel like schmucks.

Or better idea– we could just go to a real science institution instead. Like the nearby Dinosaur Walk in Branson!

This Thursday I’ll be presenting an even more laborious Powerpoint presentation at the Joplin Freethinkers meeting! It’ll be at Southwest Missouri Bank, Zora and Rangeline. 6:30 pm! Be there!

EDIT: Sweet bouncing baby Buddha! PZ Myers gave me a plug! Greetings Pharyngula readers!

16
Apr
11

The Scar

Hey! Are you ready to hear a riveting tale about our trip to the creation museum?

Well, tough. I’m making it into a Powerpoint, and it’s not ready for primetime yet. I made a completely apolitical comic instead! It’s below the jump and I hope you dig it!

Continue reading ‘The Scar’

28
Jan
11

Sophisticated Theology

Courtesy of James, son of Jim, we have another church sign that provides an alternative view to the comic I just posted.

Now I know why football teams always pray to God before games. God’s a total jock!

I hope Satan isn’t driven to suicide over this constant bullying. If that were to happen, the school board better come down hard on God. Maybe send Christians to sensitivity training.

Don’t worry Satan! It gets better!

05
Jan
11

Oh Hey! Joplin Expats is Back!

Yaaaaaaaaaaayy!

 

…yeah, that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Go read it!

22
Nov
10

Protected: Something That Happened This Weekend (password:”rain”)

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15
Oct
10

Somebody Call Lynne Truss’s Secret Police

Question: What’s worse than a sign that uses quotation marks improperly?

Answer: A sign that uses quotation marks improperly, here:

On the plus side, I did get like a dozen books for only $4. Ace.

31
Aug
10

How to Fake a UFO

To complement Jim Stone’s post on the subject, here’s a fun project that demonstrates how easy it is to fake a UFO with household objects.

What you will need:

-a camera
-scissors
-black tape
-a window that opens up onto a nice landscape and open sky, or a portable clean sheet of glass.
-some gullible schmuck

STEP ONE:
Use the scissors to cut a tiny oval out of the tape. It should be real tiny, like a quarter of the size of your fingertip.

STEP TWO:
Affix the tape oval to the glass. Position it high up so it looks like it’s in the sky.

STEP THREE:
Take you camera and focus on the sky beyond the tape, not the tape itself. If you’re at a window, make sure the frame isn’t in the picture.

You should end up with a picture like this. Since you focused on the background, the tape should be blurry, giving the illusion that it’s far off in the background. Viola! Instant UFO!

Now find your gullible schmuck. If you did everything right, they should be totally duped. Laugh at them for being gullible.

27
Aug
10

5 WAYS TO MESS WITH THE WORDLESS BOOK GUY

Tell me if this has happened to you- you’re wandering around the Barton County fair, minding your own business, when you pass this booth and a guy suddenly pops into your field of vision. “You wanna hear the story of the Wordless Book?”

You figure, why not, the words are the sucky tedious parts of the reading experience, right? So he ushers you in, but alas! Turns out he’s an evangelical Christian; and his wordless book actually has a whole lot of words that you’ve already heard before and don’t really care to hear again. What a rip-off!

It’s not a bad experience, if you like suffocating in awkward silence while a dude lectures you and tries to get your name and home address. But when the fair comes around again, you’ll know what’s coming. Why not have some fun?

1. DRESS APPROPRIATELY

I was wearing my little Evolvefish necklace, which you can’t really distinguish from a normal fish unless you look closely. When we got situated in our chairs, I was treated to a magnificent “oh sh!t” face. I love that face.

Also, the most important thing to wear is a smile. This makes him even more uncomfortable.

2. SMARTASS ANSWERS

Your main artillery. Go nuts.

“Do you know what the gold stands for?”

“…Sweden? Beautiful lusty Swedes with silky blond hair?”

“No, it stands for heaven! It stands for the streets of gold!”

“…so, Sweden…”

3. CHALLENGE HIS BIBLICAL KNOWLEDGE

Don’t be intimidated, it’s actually quite easy! The most obvious goof my guy made was this:

“Blah blah blah and Satan tempted Adam and Eve as a serpent…”

“Wait, I thought the Devil and the serpent were two separate entities?”

“…no, the Devil was disguised as the serpent…”

“Where does it say that? Show me the verse that says the serpent was the devil.” (FUN FACT: There isn’t one, except for Revelations 20:2 which is vague and could easily be interpreted otherwise.)

“I don’t know the exact verse, but it’s in there! I read it!”

4. QUESTION THE COLOR SYMBOLISM:

Being anal is key!

“The black is your heart before you accept Jesus!”

“I’d be worried if my heart was that black. That’s some necrosis sh!t right there.”

“And when you accept Jesus, your heart will be pure and white!”

“Wait, shouldn’t that be on the Red page? What the hell? Who thought this up, Jesse Helms?”

5. WHEN HE’S DONE, SWITCH PLACES AND MAKE UP YOUR OWN STORY:

You gotta be quick, this is where he tries to shuffle you out:

“We start on the Gold, which symbolizes Hulga, the golden haired winner of the Tri-State Nazi Beauty Pageant. She becomes disgusted with her family’s beliefs so on the Green page she becomes a hippie and runs off to Alaska. On the White page she befriends a polar bear named Reba. On the Black page they move to Juno, and become the city’s dark saviors, Bear-Girl and Girl-Bear, who proceed to cleanse the city with blood on the Red page. And so it begins…”




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