Posts Tagged ‘idiot

17
Nov
12

Joplin Globe Madness: I Don’t Remember Any Donkeys In Jurassic Park

I’m going to try doing a weekly Joplin Globe Madness from now one, in an  effort to generate content for this blog. Check out this week’s samplings:

I don’t remember any donkeys in Jurassic Park. But Steve Gobel does, apparently. I love this man’s letters; they make me look forward to senility. Behold, an excerpt from “the Phoenix”:

They had not heard the call from Rush, Mark and Sean directly. They were alerted by Republican politicians who hearkened to the unbending, unrelenting, Jurassic Park donkey message.

What a sight it was to behold as the phoenix rose from the ashes because of three Jurassic Park donkeys.

It reminds me of how much beauty there is in this world. “Jurassic Park donkeys”. It’s like the world was crafted just for you and I out of stardust and songs.

Meanwhile, Gail Hurlbut, non-trad student and obvious victim of childhood teasing (HURLBUT?!?  Poor thing.) is yet another “independent” voter. You know the type- the voter that definitely is *not* independent but dammit, who wants to label themselves, man? Anyway, she’s all pissed off, not at Akin for saying horrible things about rape, but at the Republicans who felt a twinge in either their vestigial moral sense or in their pocketbooks and pulled their support for him (if only temporarily).

The main mistake for Missouri is that Todd Akin did not lose the election for the Senate because of his statements about rape. He lost the election because Republicans turned their backs on him. No matter how stupid the statements made by Democrats, they stick together. The Republicans did not have enough sense to do that.

It wasn’t Akin’s fault for saying hatefully stupid things! It was the mean ol’ other Republicans. Party of personal responsibility, you guys.

Todd Akin did not lose by many votes, which proves that he could have won the election in Missouri with continued support from the Republican Party. He did not have that support. I respect Mr. Akin for staying in the election and getting the many votes he did get. Many voters in Missouri wanted him to win, and I am one of them. God bless Todd Akin and his family.

Mr. Akin, someone needs to apologize to you.

We respect you, rape apologist and benighted doofus. We’re sorry we couldn’t save you from your own stupid big mouth.

How’s that for an apology?

20
Sep
12

Remember: Republicans Hate You

I don’t read the physical paper as much as I used to. However, yesterday I picked one up off of a booth after someone else read it (after all, I am entitled to free papers, just as everything else, yes?) and what grabbed me wasn’t anything local. It was the cartoon they ran.

 

Image c/o The Boston Herald

I was like “Cool! They’re running Kelly’s stuff from the Onion!”

image c/o the Onion

But then I noticed the lack of a crying Statue of Liberty, and also that is was drawn by Jerry Holbert, who actually thinks this way.

Remember! If you’re insulted when Romney insults you, that means you’re a victim-victimy-victimpants! So vote for him! Also people on disability are weak whiners who should be mocked.

Ah, first Akin, then Romney…this is exquisite. Exquisite. This must be how Romney feels when he fires large swaths of people.

11
Jun
12

Let Me Google That For You

Me and the Stone clan have been piling up on this comment thread for a very dumb letter. I thought I’d screencap this exchange for your amusement. This is how you respond to someone who claims that the separation of church and state isn’t in the constitution.

He never responded. :(

19
Jan
12

Joplin Globe Madness: “Venting” is the PC Word for “Whining”

Rita wrote in today, but nobody cares. Not when there’s fresh meat around. Especially fresh meat that spews every non-grievance grievance into an incoherent jumble of white whining*?

Rarity from MLP. Image c/o Iambrony.com

Pardon me, "venting."

Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Miller does not whine. She vents.

She starts off whining about smoker’s rights. Now, I’m all for legal drugs and employee rights, and I go back and forth on smoking bans (on one hand: worker safety; on the other hand, smoking sections usually don’t have screaming kids), and I’ve got an eye for implied freedoms in the spirit of the Constitution.

That being said, there is no such thing as even implied smoker’s rights in the Constitution. Unless you interpret a cigarette as an arm you can bear.  You can kill people with it, but it’s kind of a slow way isn’t it?  I can appreciate you wanting to kill someone slowly and painfully, we all have days like that, but there’s a limit for Pete’s sake! That’s what God gave us Draino and opaque drinks for. I really wish the smoker’s lobby would change their terminology.

Anyway, she wants to be tolerated by employers. Just follow her example!

If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.

…Wow. I’m “subjected” to obese people every day. Depending on your definition of obese (which varies wildly), I’m sadly subjected to my fat ass every moment. Personally I’d rather be subjected to 100 obese people than one superficial self-absorbed wanker like Julia Miller. Unfortunately, I’m also subjected to Julia Millers every day too. Maybe we can get random catty jerk screenings at work?

Reflecting on fat people reminds her that there are other people who aren’t like her, and she totally unravels.

Like Mexicans and presidents!

We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”

And of course she’s a fucking stuck-up godbag as well. As Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. Also NO FAT CHICKS.”

Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.

Oh hey! Did you hear about Jessica Ahlquist, Julia Miller? Did you hear how her side totally creamed yours in court? And how your side is totally shitting the bed, threatening her, griping like spoiled children…basically pulling a Julia Miller? And how nothing they can do can change the fact that they lost horribly?

I just thought you might like to hear that. I know I do.

Anyway! Don’t forget to tell us how persecuted white people are!

I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.

First off, if you’re glowing in the dark, that’s not Caucasian. That’s a bioluminescent deep-sea fish. You’re not even a fucking tetrapod. Stop meddling in human sociopolitics, fish.

Second off, as previously stated everywhere else, they do have white hetero pride days. They’re called EVERY DAY. Privilege! LEARN IT.

After taking a dig at people who use a word to describe their ethnicity and their nationality, but before the hilarious parting shot about immigration (please, somebody dig up this woman’s family tree and see if her ancestors came here “the right way”. As in not just showing up and claiming any Indian land you set foot on.), she concludes thus:

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons?

The true meaning of tolerance, it turns out, is “don’t be noticeably different than me and if you are, don’t challenge my privilege and assumptions. And don’t leave your house if you’re fat.”

Maybe we should make February “Chain Smoking Snotty White Wanker History Month.” I nominate Julia for the planning committee.

*Speaking of which, if you haven’t already you should go to whitewhine.com. It’s like this letter,  only less consolidated.

08
Mar
11

Rock Me Sexy Jesus

Except for Ignite, maybe. You should totally buy this shirt, btw!*

So apparently there’s a wee Joplin church that decided to cut human sexuality a little slack in its ad campaign for its joyless anti-sex religion. This has aggravated normal practitioners of the joyless anti-sex religion, who have the impression that an ideal world is a world of sexless neuters and stupid kids.

“People bring their kids to Sonic and their kids are going to look at that sign and say, ‘Mommy what’s that mean?’ and, oh my God, and then that parent has to explain,” Warren said.

Oh no, you’ll have to explain something to your kids! How could this church rob your delusion that keeping reality from your child for as long as possible is a good thing and that kids won’thear about sex from other kids before they even reach kindergarten children of their innocence? What’s next? Condom commercials during our gory police procedural shows?

Seriously, if you don’t want to explain sex to your kids, here’s a suggestion. Get a cat, get it fixed, and don’t have kids until you grow a pair. (“A pair of what, Mommy?” OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE)

A hearty huzzah to Ignite for taking the first baby step towards having a healthy attitude towards sex. Isn’t it sad, though, that I’m giving a cookie to someone for merely acknowledging that sex exists and isn’t an evil, dirty thing?

Then I remember that this is a region where people freak out over National Geographic.**

* This shirt is available here.
**Holy crap, have you seen this month’s issue? They have an article on domesticated foxes. No word on naked people, but I can’t wait to buy it nonetheless.
19
Dec
10

Joplin Globe Madness: Happy Nineteenthmas

First off, here’s some conditional holiday cheer from the ever-loving Rita Crowell. No abortfemilibs need apply!

I heard you wanted clueless white privilege for Nineteenthmas! I hope Dave Spiering by way of Don Landrith will work.

Some background: Joplin DA Tom Mann was asked to resign after several incidences of making tasteless remarks, which we know nothing about except that the last one was supposedly racial in nature. Landrith doesn’t think that a guy who hates people for arbitrary reasons should be barred from a job where you have the fate of people’s lives in your hands.

Most of the letter is copypasta from Spiering; it’s basically “why can’t we say the N-word” writ large. Apparently holding people accountable for racist remarks is prejudiced against white people. Oh, you poor, poor white guys! So persecuted! Somebody pray to Saint Imus.

The few original bits include this:

The era of political correctness is rampant and because of an importunate individual who insisted to get his case heard before other people ahead of him, Tom, by his own admission, made a vitriolic remark that was uncalled for. His apology to the court personnel that were present should have been sufficient, and his dismissal seems uncalled for.

There are dark-skinned Americans, red-skinned Americans, yellow-skinned Americans and white Americans.

The common thread is we are all Americans.

Indeed! We are all Americans! And if you fail to uphold that ideal by treating some Americans like crap based on skin color, like Mr. Mann did, you’re probably not going to make a good public defender! Or a good anything.

Ditto those who defend such. I’m glad Mr. Landrith is a former city councilman.

 

16
Dec
10

Joplin Globe Madness: Loving Your Company

It sucks to be completely disillusioned with politics, don’t it? Especially when one of your hobbies is a somewhat political blog. It’s like dutifully following a loser football team, until one year the stars align and they have everything-EVERYTHING!- in the bag. Great new players, new coaches, a dope smitty new stadium with a roof that doesn’t collapse under the slightest snowfall, and they totally cream every team they encounter. Then they make it to the Super Bowl, against the team you hate the very most…and they take a blatant and humiliating dive. To a team that’s comprised of Tim Tebows. And you wonder what good is it rooting for anyone else other than that team, the Wasilla Fightin’ Whities.

But at least the other team’s fans, like Dianne Slater, are suffering with me.

It’s hard to believe that after such a strong message from the voters back in November, that Congress continues to act as though it’s business as usual.

What message was that? What message do I send when my doctor hammers my knee? The message is that I have basic neurological reflexes that react without any thought put into it. Much like the average voter.

So you threw a hissy fit over a do-nothing Congress, voted against your own interests, unwittingly hired a bunch of obstructionist clowns and made everything worse.

Cry me a river, you big dope.




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