Joplin Globe Madness: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!?

Well, actually, I told you nothing, because when Marta Mossburg wrote that stupid ass column last week, I wrote a rough draft for a post, and then abandoned it because I couldn’t condense my rage into a cohesive post. Basic gist: History Channel is emboldening stupid people. Again. This time with The Bible, their new stupid miniseries.

I seriously just published that a few minutes ago, for context to this post. Read it here. It’s a rough draft. Be gentle.

Anyway, look here! My prophecy came true! Turns out humoring stupid beliefs just emboldens the belief holders! Like Bryan Sperry here. The Bible is the springboard for some good ol’ JGM godgunnery.

I was watching the TV version of “The Bible.” I noticed all of the beatings and killings did not involve a single gun.

Also scientists that lived before 1860 did not believe in evolution, and Alexander the Great conquered the western world without launching a single plane. Continuity is weird like that.

Taking away our guns is not the solution. It is the first thing that a would-be dictator would do. If people would accept Christ as their savior, it would be a much better world.

Remember kids…all powerful, megalomaniacal sociopathic control freaks are bad. Unless he lives in the clouds. Then he’s cool.

Of course, there are those groups that will not allow their members to even read about Christ. This is the height of ignorance. They are apparently afraid of the truth. I was in church today with about 2,000 people. What a pleasant experience to be with that many people who know how to love.

Five bucks says most of those people sitting next to him haven’t actually read the damn thing. Research backs me up.

I helped fight the Germans in the Battle of the Bulge, and the Lord was with me every step of the way. The Belgians are very appreciative now. I recently wrote a book to help young people to know how to live their life to the fullest as a born-again Christian.

He must not have published it yet, because I can’t turn anything up on Google . I did find this artist from Chicago with the same name. Pittsburg Bryan Sperry should have Chicago Bryan Sperry do the cover art. That might trick the kids into reading it.

I wonder, if the History Channel stuck with their usual fare, what would have inspired Bryan to write this?

I’ve noticed that people have killed each other for centuries without guns…but how could they, with such primitive technology?

It Must Be True, I Saw it on History Channel

I listen to K-LOVE every weekday now, although not by choice. For those of you unfamiliar, K-LOVE plays “positive, encouraging” Christian music and is repetitive aural garbage, but I repeat myself.*

One day they were talking about The Bible. It’s a Christian music station, of course, but they weren’t talking about the the Bible-Bible, they were talking about The Bible series on the History Channel. Dusty can sum it up much better than I can,

The lady K-Love host was gushing. Paraphrasing here (I can’t be arsed to find a transcript for a date I can’t recall on a station I hate) she said “This all is real, it’s not a fairy tale!”. So good job, cable TV. You pander to the stupid people for a quick buck and in doing so you humor their stupid beliefs.

“Seriously, Kaje, History Channel runs Bigfoot specials and Ancient Aliens. Everyone knows that they just play bullshit nowadays. What’s the worry?”

Well, apparently the K-Love hosts don’t know that. Neither does a whole lot of the general public. Neither does Marta Mossburg, the Joplin Globe’s favorite gibbering nitwit Marylander. Keep on telling the masses what they want to hear. A talking snake is not jaw-droppingly idiotic. Hollywood persecutes Christians. Our depiction of the most popular religion in the world is somehow edgy.

Marta’s column is mostly about the latter hopeless falsehood, which is easily debunked. Hollywood (as if the entertainment industry is a monolith, which it isn’t) doesn’t shy away from godbaggery and conservative bullshit. Especially not The History Channel. Here’s something interesting I found on STFUConservatives: An anonymous poster who claims to work in TV programming said this:

We get told things like ‘our demographic doesn’t want to see women as scientist experts’ and so forth. Those people are told that by people above them who are told that by ratings and research and statistics. So, you see, it’s a sick incestuous cycle. More conservatives watch, and so they cater more shows to that audience.

Get that? History Channel isn’t being super brave and risk-taking. It’s par for the course for them. Psuedohistorical bullshit and pandering is their bread and butter.

*People who are afraid of sexual feelings just need to stay away from all forms of art.

But We Do Need Grenade Launching Pistols. Because Freedom.

I was surprised to reach the end of this letter and not see Rita Crowell’s name. Carl W. Biggers loves the Second Amendment, and is not above tossing some pro-life fanservice into the first sentence.

Our government doesn’t want us shooting people but doesn’t seem to care how many babies are murdered in the womb.

I don’t think he realizes that it sounds like he’s genuinely disappointed that he can’t go around shooting people.

In the Jan. 25, 2013, Joplin Globe, it was reported that her ban would include rifles, handguns with one of any military style features — detachable stock, grenade launchers — as well as 157 specific firearms.

OH THAT LYING SKANK. She sounded all reasonable at first, but then she wants to take away our pistols. Our grenade-launching pistols. What a fascist.

I agree we don’t need slide fire stocks on rifles that can shoot 100 rounds in 7 seconds. We don’t need large capacity magazines. We don’t need threaded barrels for silencers, and we don’t need silencers. We do need to keep our Second Amendment rights to carry our handguns for home, family and self-protection. We should be able to keep our chance to help stop crimes in progress.

Slightly related– did you hear about the guy who stabbed the burglar in the eyeball with a knife? IF THEY HAD A GUN THIS WOULDN’T HAVE—oh wait….

I think the government wants all guns out of law-abiding citizens hands so when they become dictators, they won’t have to face an uprising.

You know what I’ve noticed? I hear a lot of people saying we need guns to shed the blood of tyrants. Like a whole lot of people saying so. We apparently have a goodly amount of Jack the Tyrant Killers in this country.

Apparently our tyrants are usually schoolchildren, peace protestors, black kids, women going to the gym, and people who attend midnight screenings of popular movies. Normal citizens and easy pickings. Meanwhile, actual government heads openly muse about taking away people’s rights, and they sleep like babies. Perhaps most gun fetishists don’t really give a shit about shedding the blood of tyrants. They want to be tyrants.

Take us out with some Jesus, Carl!

I am a born-again Christian and pray that God will convince the hearts of our government to pay attention to him before it is too late.

Jesus isn’t the guy that gives you grenade launching pistols. You’re thinking of Santa.

Joplin Globe Madness: I Don’t Remember Any Donkeys In Jurassic Park

I’m going to try doing a weekly Joplin Globe Madness from now one, in an  effort to generate content for this blog. Check out this week’s samplings:

I don’t remember any donkeys in Jurassic Park. But Steve Gobel does, apparently. I love this man’s letters; they make me look forward to senility. Behold, an excerpt from “the Phoenix”:

They had not heard the call from Rush, Mark and Sean directly. They were alerted by Republican politicians who hearkened to the unbending, unrelenting, Jurassic Park donkey message.

What a sight it was to behold as the phoenix rose from the ashes because of three Jurassic Park donkeys.

It reminds me of how much beauty there is in this world. “Jurassic Park donkeys”. It’s like the world was crafted just for you and I out of stardust and songs.

Meanwhile, Gail Hurlbut, non-trad student and obvious victim of childhood teasing (HURLBUT?!?  Poor thing.) is yet another “independent” voter. You know the type- the voter that definitely is *not* independent but dammit, who wants to label themselves, man? Anyway, she’s all pissed off, not at Akin for saying horrible things about rape, but at the Republicans who felt a twinge in either their vestigial moral sense or in their pocketbooks and pulled their support for him (if only temporarily).

The main mistake for Missouri is that Todd Akin did not lose the election for the Senate because of his statements about rape. He lost the election because Republicans turned their backs on him. No matter how stupid the statements made by Democrats, they stick together. The Republicans did not have enough sense to do that.

It wasn’t Akin’s fault for saying hatefully stupid things! It was the mean ol’ other Republicans. Party of personal responsibility, you guys.

Todd Akin did not lose by many votes, which proves that he could have won the election in Missouri with continued support from the Republican Party. He did not have that support. I respect Mr. Akin for staying in the election and getting the many votes he did get. Many voters in Missouri wanted him to win, and I am one of them. God bless Todd Akin and his family.

Mr. Akin, someone needs to apologize to you.

We respect you, rape apologist and benighted doofus. We’re sorry we couldn’t save you from your own stupid big mouth.

How’s that for an apology?

Let Me Google That For You

Me and the Stone clan have been piling up on this comment thread for a very dumb letter. I thought I’d screencap this exchange for your amusement. This is how you respond to someone who claims that the separation of church and state isn’t in the constitution.

He never responded.

Joplin Globe Madness: THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

I appreciate Kay Bradley’s reality check in Sunday’s paper. I especially appreciate the sheer effort she put in journeying from her reality into ours.

In our clamoring for our sweet, sweet child support money and abortion parties, we often forget just how lucky we are here, in the world’s #37th best country for health care. I forgot how easy it was to get birth control. I forgot about the healthcare programs which provide birth control for low income families, which is odd considering how I”m constantly reading about attempts to get these programs defunded or rendered toothless with medieval regulations.

This may be hard to believe, but not all women have the same access to contraception as Kay Bradley. I know, people for some reason live differently than Kay Bradley and expect to be taken seriously.

Ok I am trying to write a coherent response to an incoherent letter but all I end up doing is banging on a keyboard and snapping at my loved ones. This letter can be popped with one simple fact.
THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

It requires the insurance company, the one you pay into, to cover it. Not your religious employer. Not the hard-working taxpayer who loves complaining about birth control just as much as they love complaining about people who aren’t like them having too many kids.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And further, I’d like to point out that if this violates your employer’s religious liberties, so does everything you do with the wages you earn that s/he doesn’t approve of. Because your insurance is compensation for the work you do.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

And with that fact, Kay’s letter pops and collapses in a flaccid, wrinkled heap of rubber and nonsense.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT PAYING FOR BIRTH CONTROL

Although it should, goddammit.

Joplin Globe Madness: “Venting” is the PC Word for “Whining”

Rita wrote in today, but nobody cares. Not when there’s fresh meat around. Especially fresh meat that spews every non-grievance grievance into an incoherent jumble of white whining*?

Pardon me, "venting."

Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Miller does not whine. She vents.

She starts off whining about smoker’s rights. Now, I’m all for legal drugs and employee rights, and I go back and forth on smoking bans (on one hand: worker safety; on the other hand, smoking sections usually don’t have screaming kids), and I’ve got an eye for implied freedoms in the spirit of the Constitution.

That being said, there is no such thing as even implied smoker’s rights in the Constitution. Unless you interpret a cigarette as an arm you can bear.  You can kill people with it, but it’s kind of a slow way isn’t it?  I can appreciate you wanting to kill someone slowly and painfully, we all have days like that, but there’s a limit for Pete’s sake! That’s what God gave us Draino and opaque drinks for. I really wish the smoker’s lobby would change their terminology.

Anyway, she wants to be tolerated by employers. Just follow her example!

If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.

…Wow. I’m “subjected” to obese people every day. Depending on your definition of obese (which varies wildly), I’m sadly subjected to my fat ass every moment. Personally I’d rather be subjected to 100 obese people than one superficial self-absorbed wanker like Julia Miller. Unfortunately, I’m also subjected to Julia Millers every day too. Maybe we can get random catty jerk screenings at work?

Reflecting on fat people reminds her that there are other people who aren’t like her, and she totally unravels.

Like Mexicans and presidents!

We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”

And of course she’s a fucking stuck-up godbag as well. As Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. Also NO FAT CHICKS.”

Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.

Oh hey! Did you hear about Jessica Ahlquist, Julia Miller? Did you hear how her side totally creamed yours in court? And how your side is totally shitting the bed, threatening her, griping like spoiled children…basically pulling a Julia Miller? And how nothing they can do can change the fact that they lost horribly?

I just thought you might like to hear that. I know I do.

Anyway! Don’t forget to tell us how persecuted white people are!

I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.

First off, if you’re glowing in the dark, that’s not Caucasian. That’s a bioluminescent deep-sea fish. You’re not even a fucking tetrapod. Stop meddling in human sociopolitics, fish.

Second off, as previously stated everywhere else, they do have white hetero pride days. They’re called EVERY DAY. Privilege! LEARN IT.

After taking a dig at people who use a word to describe their ethnicity and their nationality, but before the hilarious parting shot about immigration (please, somebody dig up this woman’s family tree and see if her ancestors came here “the right way”. As in not just showing up and claiming any Indian land you set foot on.), she concludes thus:

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons?

The true meaning of tolerance, it turns out, is “don’t be noticeably different than me and if you are, don’t challenge my privilege and assumptions. And don’t leave your house if you’re fat.”

Maybe we should make February “Chain Smoking Snotty White Wanker History Month.” I nominate Julia for the planning committee.

*Speaking of which, if you haven’t already you should go to whitewhine.com. It’s like this letter,  only less consolidated.

Joplin Globe Madness: The Descent of Dan

It’s been said that Dan Walters is one of the best Globe letter writers. By me, anyway. But his latest missive has left me underwhelmed. It’s basic form letter whining about PHAMRY VALUES, with just a dash of welfare bashing.

Hint hint, guys. Welfare not going to married people first is a “penalty” in the same way that having a gash on your arm and being treated after the guy with a rebar impaled through his head is a penalty. Married people tend to be more financially secure then those who aren’t.

It’s just boring boring boring. He needs to crank up the venom, like in his old letters. I appreciate the passive aggressive addressing of the Globe editorial staff as fancy big word users with college book learnin’ in the fourth paragraph, but it’s not enough. I hope he’s not mellowing with age. I need something to chew on.

Hey! Maybe you can take up my chewing slack in the fancy new Globe comments system. Yeah, it’s old news by now but whatever. The Globe finally got rid of the fucking anonymous comment system. Yay! Thanks guys!

Can I make a suggestion though? Can you make the new comment apps mobile friendly? I do pretty much all my intertubing by phone now. I’d appreciate it mucho.

Joplin Globe Madness: Don Ray Am the 53%

Don Ray has just noticed that the precious widdle left is “stirring up trouble!” Which he then goes on to say is threatening to unravel the very fabric of America, after going out of his way to be as patronizing as possible. Like toddlers who throw crayons on the floor, if the crayons were made of anthrax and the floor was a nuclear missile launch button.

I’m guessing Mr. Ray is not part of the 1%, but rather the 53%. That’s the part of the 99% that loves sucking corporate cock. Their movement is summed up thusly:

(If you don’t get the reference, here:)

Joplin Globe Madness: Rita Crowell’s Amazing Tennis Ball Trick

image c/o Rawhead in the comments

 

Man, ever since the tornado, there hasn’t been much silliness in the Voices section. It’s become a chore to read, honestly. We got somebody thanking folks for helping clean up after the tornado, we got someone fretting about the economy, we got Rita Crowell complaining about sacrilegious tennis balls, we got a old fellow complaining about wait a minute what was that?

Tennis balls make Jesus cry?

There was an article in The Joplin Globe this past month regarding a female artist who enjoyed tennis so much that she inserted tennis balls in a fanciful manner into her own paintings of classical art.

I would strongly urge her, and anyone else, not to insert anything to destroy or distort the integrity of any Christian religious painting.

To me, this is sacrilegious, irreverent and makes a mockery of God our creator, sustainer and redeemer.

You think that’s bad, you obviously haven’t seen what this lady does with ping pong balls.