Joplin Globe Madness: The 3/5ths Compromise, Millennium Edition

Meet Karen Crockett. She’s a cable contractor, with a husband and four beautiful children. She’s also the most important person in the country.

Karen and her husband are independently wealthy and have obviously had the good luck of not having any drawn-out illnesses, crippling accidents or anything else that would bankrupt them. Good for them. Surely she realizes that not everyone has had her good fortune and gumption, and that they need medical care too? I mean, even in an ideal society where everyone is a gung-ho Randian ubercapitalist, someone has to be at the bottom, right? What does Mrs. Crockett propose regarding the poor and downtrodden?

Judging from the rest of the letter, apparently Not-Karens can take a long walk on a short pier.

We did not expect anyone to pay them for us — it was our choice to have a family and our responsibility to take care of them.* Many times we did without to make ends meet. No one gave us a handout. Part of being an adult is acting like one.

We are in our 60s. We have maintained health insurance for our employees and us for 25 years. We are currently covered by Anthem Blue Cross. We are satisfied with our health care, doctors, hospitals and the ability to choose. I do not expect insurance to pay for my sniffles, cold or minor health problems. That is not their job. I do not expect government or anyone else to care for me from cradle to the grave. This is America. We can choose to live wisely and responsibly — do not expect me to pay for stupid or out-of-control lifestyles.

[…the post office sucks, blah blah blah…]

As my representative, I expect you to do just that. Represent “me.” I expect you to voice my opinion, not yours. The vote of the “people” put you in office. You are not in a position to dictate what is best for me and my family — that is my God-given right guaranteed by the Constitution of this great nation. Listen to the American people. Our freedom depends on you upholding the Constitution. The founders wanted freedom from tyranny and taxation without representation — as of today we are still free. Will you keep us that way?

Good Lord, how stuck up can you get? “Hey Mr. Obama, forget that 75% of the entire freaking nation. You need to listen to me. I’m a cable contractor. My vote is worth, like, 10 times that of some dumb trailer trash that chooses to get a brain tumor- pardon me, the sniffles.”

Karen, listen. You are not the American people. You are an American person. Singular, not plural. You get one vote like everyone else. I know it’s frustrating, not being able to buy any more to differentiate you from the unwashed. You just have to put on your big girl pants and deal with it like an adult.

I’ll tell you what the majority American people do want. They want insurance companies to stop exploiting them and draining them dry so that they, too, can pursue their goals in life like you have. They want a health care system that can compete with the rest of the first world. They’ve experienced your oh-so maverick-y “I’ve got mine, who cares about you” ethos, for more than eight years they’ve experienced it, and you know what? They are sick of it. They rejected it en masse.

* Speaking of choice, who’s willing to bet that Karen is a hard-right anti-choice sexophobe like most of the 25 percenters?  I imagine her idea of “choice” is “conform to the suffocating 1950’s sexual paradigm we hold everyone up to, or flake off and die.”


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