The War on Halloween

The leaves are turning, and you know what that means. War on Holiday Season is just around the corner. Yesireema’am, from here until spring (and a quick battle on July 4th), people wage war on America’s cherished holidays, either by celebrating them differently, not celebrating them, or even acknowledging the fact that not everyone celebrates them. Usually you have your crusaders for Christmas and Easter. “Wish me “holiday cheer” will you, you secular pigs? ‘Spring’ break? How about I break your face?”

However, when it comes to defending traditional American holidays, I’m rattling my sabers for Halloween. Radical rightists have been waging war on Halloween for who knows how long. They used to be content with slipping Chick Tracks into the bags of trick-or-treaters, but now they are (gasp!) creating their own Halloween alternatives! This is an outrage! Who do I boycott?

Unfortunately, it seems there’s a schism regarding exactly how one should co-opt the inoffensive parts of Halloween into your bland Christian Rock imitation of the holiday.  I’ve seen several versions around Joplin. By far the blandest I saw was “Harvest Party”. What little kid gives a crap about “harvests?” Snoresville.

I saw one church that advertised a “Trunk or Treat” event, where people park their decorated cars in a parking lot and give out candy from their trunks. From my understanding, Trunk or Treat events are flexible in that they can either serve as genuine Halloween events, or Halloween alternatives. It really only depends on what the organizers say it is. Sounds way too risky for your soul, if you ask me.

My personal favorite was this sign at the Central Christian Center advertising a “Creation Party”. I have no idea what exactly constitutes a “creation party”. I like to think that it’s a reference to Archbishop Ussher’s estimate that the world began on October 23, 4004 B.C. If that were the case, at least the Creation Party people put some thought into it besides “what can we call our Not-Halloween party so it’s not Halloween?”

Judging from the flyer, I assume archery is also involved.

Can I go as a dinosaur, as long as I have a saddle on my back?

Note the bottom. Can I go as a dinosaur, as long as I have a saddle on my back?

Sadly, I can’t help but suspect that it’s merely another Halloween Lite (“Now With 90% Less Devil!”), instead of a real alternative to Halloween. In North Carolina, a church is cutting all the candy and costume crap, and just burning books on Halloween. Now THAT’S a Halloween alternative.

“But Kaje,” you say, “they are perfectly within their rights to not celebrate Halloween! It’s hypocritical of you to mock their War on Halloween when you’re so complacent in the War on Christmas!”

Well, I say it’s hypocritical to whine and moan about other people not dropping everything and celebrating your holiday, and then turning around and doing the same thing when suddenly the popular holiday isn’t yours. You can’t have it both ways. If you guys can raise a stink about “Happy Holidays”, then I can do likewise with “Harvest Parties.”


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