Joplin Globe Madness: “I WENT TO COLLEGE!”

planktonDonald E. Corder desperately wants us to think he’s smart. That’s because he’s peddling intelligent design, a completely not-smart concept if there ever was one. He can blurt out yin-yang claptrap, “Hegelian dialectic” and Shakespeare quotes until he’s blue in the face, but nothing can obscure the fact that he’s hawking a piteously bankrupt Trojan horse of the Anti-Book Learnin’ Brigade for Christ.

Actually, I take that back. Corder’s minor in Philosophy has convinced me that teachers need to spend precious class time and resources in order to give students all sides of the debate. And this is how they should do it.

“Class, welcome to Freshman Earth Science. We’re going to discuss the history of the planet. There are several competing views as to how this whole mess came about.

One of the most popular is Magical Fruit and Talking Snake Theory. In this model, the universe was created roughly a thousand years after Sumerians invented beer by an entity similar to a giant, non-jolly Santa Claus. The major proponents of this theory are white Republicans who are woefully ignorant about everything, including their own beliefs.

There’s also Intelligent Design, which is really a watered down Magical Fruit and Talking Snake Theory. Pretty much no one believes it, not even its own proponents. However, they settle with it, under the false impression that this gives them a chance to get ahead. They’re like the Blue Dog Democrats of pseudoscience.

The Norse thought the world was created from the body of a slain giant. Tahitians thought it was created from a shell. Jains think the universe never began and will never end. The Chinese thought it came from a hatching cosmic egg, the Yoruba from a chicken scratching at sand, the Cherokee from a water beetle piling up mud.

There’s the other sides of the debate. Now let’s get on with the science. Turn to page 10, class”.


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