We’ve recently received news that horror filmmakers were driven out of Picher, after authorities discovered that not only were they not shooting live-action VeggieTales, but also possessed more than 12 grams of Lloyd Kaufman, well beyond the legal limit. This happened not long after the Joplin City council denied permits for a Bonnie and Clyde bed and breakfast, thanks to the valiant efforts of some unremarkable control freaks. Who needs money or exposure, when we have our moral purity? Especially in this bountiful economy, where money wafts down from trees like so many dead leaves?
Most people see these events as two doors of opportunity closing. However, I see that these closed doors of opportunity also have closed doggy doors of opportunity. Sure, they’re small and locked, but a healthy adult can kick them in and squeeze through if they’re enterprising (and skinny) enough. Instead of allowing unsavory history or Hollywood perverts pollute our dear towns for a quick buck, why don’t we just exploit our most abundant resource—holier-than-thou meddlers?
With this in mind, I would like to unveil my plans for the Midwest Insufferable Busybody Monument. This attraction would house a statue garden, a nondenominational chapel, and an indoor museum, plus all the prerequisite stuff like a gift shop and an RV park. It would be kind of like the old Precious Moments Chapel, only instead of children with adorable teardrop eyes, the focus would be more on over-the-hill types with disapproval etched permanently on their joyless faces.
The Midwest Insufferable Busybody Monument is fun for old fogies of all ages! Everything shall be whitewashed for ultimate inoffensiveness. The statues of prudes past, painstakingly cast in stiff, non-engaging poses, will be fitting dedications to their subjects. Cartoon deer painted on the walls guide you throughout the symmetrically designed complex. If you need to use the facilities, staff will escort you off the property to a nearby gas station where you won’t tarnish someone’s beautiful mind. If something manages to slip past the radar, don’t worry; every room will be equipped with at least two queen sized fainting couches and hand sanitizer stations!
Come get your picture taken with life size replicas of such historical busybodies as Anthony Comstock and Fredric Wertham! “Who?,” you ask. Exactly. No longer will these brave folk be forgotten, blotted out by the shooting stars of more interesting people. Finally, our proud Puritan warriors will get the recognition they deserve.
Do you have suggestions for the MIBM? Post ’em in the comments!