FEMINAZI FRAN: Women sure are treated like crud by insurance companies! Their rates are higher than men’s are, which is B.S. anyway but is even more B.S. when you consider that women still earn 70 cents per dollar a man makes. And the pre-existing conditions! Did you know that some companies consider domestic violence “pre-existing?”
PREGGERS PATRICIA: Well, it’s just business sense. If you have a car that they know beforehand is a complete lemon, why would they cover it? They’ll lose money.
(FEMINAZI FRAN: pauses)
FEMINAZI FRAN:: Do you think that’ll hurt?
PREGGERS PATRICIA: What’ll hurt?
FEMINAZI FRAN:: (points to Patricia’s belly) Giving birth to a car. Won’t that hurt?
PREGGERS PATRICIA: How is my baby a car?
FEMINAZI FRAN: Well, you just said they’re equivalent in the eyes of our insurance overlords.
PREGGERS PATRICIA: Oh, you’re being silly. Baby Lance/ Baby Loretta is not a car.
FEMINAZI FRAN: Oh, s/he’s not a car yet. Right now s/he’s not only a person, s/he’s an Innocent Human Being That Deserves Rights™. Now that you mention it, it probably won’t hurt as much. It’ll only turn into a luxury material object after it’s born.
PREGGERS PATRICIA: Never thought about it that way. If we’re all luxury items, then who owns us?
FEMINAZI FRAN: (laughs) Corporations, silly! They most definitely have personhood status. The Supreme Court said so!
PREGGERS PATRICIA: Gee, thanks for the pick-me-up. I’m super depressed now.
FEMINAZI FRAN: All the more reason to support reform!
PREGGERS PATRICIA: I guess you’re right, Fran.
(Suddenly news breaks on the wall television)
TELEVISION: The House has passed its version of the Health Care Bill, and it has a strong public option!
(Pat and Fran cheer!)
FEMINAZI FRAN: YES! American citizens will finally have decent health care!
PREGGERS PATRICIA: HURRAY! I don’t feel bad about bringing a child into a corporate conglomerate nightmare that dehumanizes American citizens!
TELEVISION: The bill also includes the Stupak amendment, which not only forbids the public option from covering abortions, but also forbids individuals with affordability credits from buying private plans that cover them. This basically means that private insurers will simply not offer plans that cover abortions.
(PREGGERS PATRICIAand FEMINAZI FRAN stop cheering)
TELEVISION: This bill was added to appease Bart Stupak and other Blue Dog Democrats, who ended up not voting for the bill anyway. It can still be taken out of the bill, but then again, maybe not. So if you’re a chick that has an unwanted or dangerous pregnancy, well, tough tookus.
PREGGERS PATRICIA: Vroom.
FEMINAZI FRAN: Hmm?
PREGGERS PATRICIA: I don’t know what sound artificial wombs make, so I’m just sticking with car noises.
FEMINAZI FRAN: Vroom Vroom.