Dear Ironic Hipster Movie Goers:
Please stop patronizing horrible, big budget theatrical movies on purpose.
I say this to you as a fan of both genuinely good movies, and so-bad-it’s-good movies as well. I have almost every Mystery Science Theater box set that’s been released. I bemoaned the Bad Girls Go To Hell team getting kicked out of Picher. I just wrote a post on how Tank Girl sparked a political revelation, for chrissakes.
But when you post on Facebook about how excited you are to see 2012 or whatever bastardization Uwe Boll has crapped out, my heart atrophies a little and I pray for superflu. Because these big Hollywood movies aren’t so-bad-they’re-good. They’re just bad.
Remember when Snakes on a Plane came out? It was a sure winner– Snakes on a Plane! Samuel L. Jackson! SNAKES ON A MUTHA (fornicating) PLANE! You bought the t-shirt, and lined up opening day. A few hours later and you realized you’d been had, duped, played for a patsy into paying nearly ten dollars for a one-liner and little else. I feel your pain. I know because I’ve been there. But really, we brought it upon ourselves.
Hollywood executives have caught on, and they’re making bad movies on purpose. As you know, there are few things less funny than intentional campiness. And there are few things dumber than us ironic hipsters, so these movies will still bring us in before they realize that they’re being manipulated.
You know how much these movies cost to make? 10,000 B.C.cost $105 million. All that for mammoths building the pyramids. I can get the same thing from the Sci-Fi (I refuse to call it SyFy) channel, and those cost a mere fraction of that. Think what could have been done with 10,000 B.C.’s budget?
My advice? Wait for these movies to show up on cable. See a low-budget cheesefest- they’ll get it right more often. Or hit Netflix. Or save up your money so you can make your own movie.
Just please don’t send Michael Bay any more money.