“Name one person who acts solely on science”.
I understand you mushy-brained silly apes with your “feelings” and your “emotions” could benefit from some raw data. With this in mind I provide an account of my Saturday. I hope you won’t find it too terrifying.
I woke up at 7:00 to my cell phone alarm. It was the theme from MTV’s “Aeon Flux.” Since there are only two spheres of human endeavor, Faith and Science, changing one’s ringtone to a cartoon theme must surely be an act committed by someone of faith. It certainly wasn’t me who put this art on my phone. There must have been an intruder. I made a note to increase the voltage on all the windows.
I was greeted by Miss Millie, the cat I was watching while the owners were away. I lit up when I saw her.
“Oh joy—an experiment.”
I hope they don’t mind that their Tortoiseshell Manx is now a Sphynx. Anyway, I couldn’t dilly-dally. Today Skepticon II was being held in Springfield. Other heartless shells were going to conspire and give each other light headbutts in camaraderie. (Headbutts are like handshakes for empiricists. Works on goats, too.)
When I arrived, I simply followed the screams of the townsfolk to the right building and was greeted by other atheists and assorted ne’er-do-wells. Their emotionless faces and solemn scrutinizing could easily be mistaken for smiles and laughter by the unscientific mind. Do not be fooled by the inflatable pirate swords and the cute hipster girls one sees at this event. It’s a den of joylessness and death. The facade of emotions are kept up to lure in prey. More people sucked in means more acquaintances who could go on vacation, which means more opportunities for cat-sitting which means more experiments.
After the first speech I had to excuse myself, for there was a friend in Springfield I wanted to touch base with. Did I say “friend?” I meant acquaintance. I HAVE NO NEED FOR LOVE.
Anyway, we met up and ate at Applebee’s. She trembled in fear as I diagrammed my BBQ Riblets (my hypothesis? Delicious.) Sputtering things similar to friendly conversation, she was so terrified that we went to her apartment and watched Home Alone.
“Heh heh…they mistook the neighbor for their kid,” I noted empirically. My friend’s cat jumped on my lap.
I wondered what would happen if I stroked the specimen’s back in a repetitive manner. I was so embroiled in the experiment that I didn’t even notice the passage of time.
“OH CRAP! I MISSED LIKE THREE SPEECHES! I GOTTA GO!,” I said coolly.
My friend dropped me off right after one guy finished his speech. I forget his numerical code, but his human name is Joe Nickell. I went up to offer my arguments as to why he shouldn’t have me ground up into delicious nutrients.
“OMIGAWD I WANTED TO SEE YOU SPEAK SO BAD AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT!”, I remarked dryly.
This towering behemoth of the empty husks that is us, he did the most logical thing. He cheered me up with a magic trick and gave me a souvenir to make up for it. My facial muscles twitched upward, I made a noise similar to that of a pre-adult human female. Is this what you readers call…happiness? I must make notes and research this phenomenon further.
There were other horrors to inflict- an impromptu poetry slam, squids, Flying Spaghetti Monsters, dinner at Chili’s- but I had to head home. I could terrorize the pitiful sheep of this world on my own turf.
I also had to check on my experiments.