Of course, I’m talking about Black Friday. What? Was something else going on this week?
I’m kind of exaggerating, but kind of not. Black Friday is, or is on its way to becoming, a holiday in its own right. One thing I noticed this year was all the press it was getting. It’s on the cover of our very own Your Home, it gets a segment on every evening news show. The hype is quickly catching up to that of Thanksgiving’s, and who’s to say that they won’t one day be on equal footing?
Can we perhaps reverse the trend and buck our habits of mindless consumerism? Ha, yeah right.
Now, I’m not one of those Neo-Luddites who are always chomping at the bit to bemoan modern society’s constant tide of change in newspaper editorials. Instead, I’m here to help ease the transition and perhaps have a hand in shaping new traditions. Here are my suggestions regarding Black Friday.
1. Does Black Friday seems completely unpalatable to you now because of the materialism, zombie like behavior, and needless injuries/deaths? Here’s a suggestion: think of it as America’s very own Running of the Bulls.
(Fun fact: Everyone expresses disdain for Spain’s Running of the Bulls, yet secretly wishes to participate. True fact.)
If you’re an anti-consumerist type, that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun! No buying is required: all you have to do is show up to a door buster and avoid getting trampled. And you won’t feel as disappointed in your fellow man if you choose to view them as crazed herd animals!
2. Here’s an idea that’s similar to the previous, only a million times better: instead of bulls, view the shoppers as zombies. Hmmm…does anyone else smell a LARP opportunity? “This Friday will be the BLACKEST Friday of all!”
3. Write some Black Friday carols. All we have now is “Run, Run, Rudolph” and the Russian Dance from the Nutcracker. Carols are tedious and repetitious enough, but when you only have two? Shudder. This must be rectified.
4. Here’s a great witch hunt opportunity, which I know you all will appreciate. Know someone who does all their shopping online? They’re declaring War on Black Friday! Bully them, and bully businesses and government agencies into refusing to comply with their wishes. Fun!
5. Finally, don’t forget the poor retail employees embroiled in this mess! Leave a tip. Buy a little gift (preferably an item from another store, which the clerk’s store doesn’t carry, to prevent snafus) and give it to the clark as a token of appreciation. Have a pharmaceutical drive for all their wracked nerves and physical wear- “Care for Clerkz”. If you see a customer treating an employee like dung, tell them to knock it off. At the very least, be pleasant and say “thank you.”
I hope you keep these suggestions in mind as you finally allow Black Friday to weasel its way in your heart. Good luck, and may your Friday be blacker than night!