04
Dec
09

Joplin Globe Madness: Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head

Two letters in Thursday’s Globe, which at first seem like the average rantings of Fox zombie whackaloons, actually reveal the teabagger view on the sanctity of life. Turns out it’s actually more precious* than precious. What does that asterisk entail? Let’s find out!

The first one, by Maurice Filson, is typical “people should follow my religion or suffer the consequences” claptrap. At one point in the letter, he bemoans Obama and the health care bill, both for spending money and for supposedly offering “abortion on demand.” He’s apparently unaware that a certain Stupak-Pitts amendment could actually prohibit all coverage of abortion services; but I digress. Then, he humorously blames the economic crisis on abortion.

The millions of fetuses aborted since 1976 could have easily contributed positively to our economy, but we choose to be selfish with “one night stands” and sacrifice the innocent one to the “altar of abortion.”

That’s what we need—more people, most of which with all the mental baggage of being perceived as an unwanted burden by their families, clamoring for dwindling resources and nonexistent jobs! That’s the ticket! I’m certain that not only will the economy recover, but crime rates will stay low as well!

The second letter is from Paul T. Butler, who harps on health care in conjunction with the media, which is one of the Top Five Republican Scarewords. Five bucks says that this guy is “pro-life” too.

TV programs…have inserted scenes depicting low-income, often minority persons, in dire need of health care insurance…[w]ould that these “shows” might occasionally dramatize the millions of healthy young people worrying that they are doomed to “pay the piper” for the impending tax catastrophe.

Life is precious, unless you are low-income and/or a minority. In fact, the only lives that are precious are those of healthy young people. Often not minority persons, of course. In fact, let’s just narrow it down to healthy young white men. And don’t forget the babies; until they’re born, at least.

Again, these are two different authors, but it is not hard to find both views held simultaneously in teabagger circles. It’s obvious to pretty much everyone that teabaggers don’t really care about any human’s life besides their own.

The teabagger diagram of importance goes like this:

1. Me.

2. Money.

3. Surrogate penises (guns, trucks, karate classes, etc.).

4. Immediate family, friends, and Fox News commentators.

5. Lashing out against people different than me.

6. Lawn ornaments

The list goes on; but we only get back to human beings near the bottom, lumped together with wild animals, pet peeves and unappetizing foodstuffs. If I recall correctly, I’m pegged below box turtles but above sweaty gym equipment.

Exceptions are  made for blank slates– fetuses, Terri Schiavo, their pet Irish Setter named Glenn Bark—that they can project their thoughts and emotions onto. Basically, these folks are pro-life as long as the life involved has no autonomy or voice of its own, and no fickle biological needs like medical care.

Mr. Filson, Mr. Butler, I don’t know what kind of “life” you are “pro”, but I don’t think it’s human life. Might I recommend investing in some Precious Moments figurines? They have all the cuteness of a baby, they never age or get sick, they all look alike, and they never talk back. They’ve even got “Precious” in their names. I’m not sure, but the gift shop at the Precious Moments Chapel probably has a DVD you can watch instead of the mainstream media with its evil sick minorities. You can dedicate your time and attention to those and let the adults handle policy decisions.

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2 Responses to “Joplin Globe Madness: Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head”


  1. 1 Rawhead
    December 4, 2009 at 7:39 am

    Hmm I think Jesus should have been in that importance diagram somewhere…

    Though I guess gods are covered under ‘surrogate penises.’


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