10
Dec
09

The Theory of Rita-tivity

(Today’s post is a Director’s Cut rerun from my old blog, because I’m lazy)

Over the years I have read many of Rita Crowell’s letters to the editor, like the one printed today. I think now is the perfect time to unveil one of my pet theories of the universe, which I call the Theory of Rita-tivity.

This theoretical model hypothesizes that Rita Crowell’s statements have the ability to alter reality itself, for it’s the law of nature for her to be always wrong.

If she says that grass is green, it will sprout purple. If she refers to you as a “she”, check your pants – you probably have male genitalia now, even if you didn’t have any before. If she calls a cow a cow, it will magically transform into a vacuum cleaner. If she ever said “I am always wrong”, the fabric of reality would totally unravel.

If she were smart, she’d say “The phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ is explicitly not an attack on Christians, and was in use for decades before Bill O’Reilly suddenly decided it was offensive. Besides, Christians have overwhelming privileges in this country and it won’t kill them to say a phrase which implicitly includes Christmas as a holiday”, for it would immediately become untrue. Unless she’s actually a vigilant humanist, keeping reality in check with her actions. Maybe there’s a whole network of people with these powers, unceasingly proclaiming the opposite of things! Maybe they’re called “Oppositeers” and they all have wrist communicators and uniforms and laser guns and a secret satellite HQ high above the earth! And they greet each other by saying “Goodbye, hated enemy!”, because they do everything the opposite way. And they eat with their butts.

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