18
Dec
09

Forward This Post to All Your Friends If You Love Christmas Shoes

In Jeremiah Tucker’s latest column, he takes down “Christmas Shoes” as the worst Christmas song of all time. Now, I’ve never heard this song, but the details provided chill me to the core.

A song based on an e-mail forward? Is that even legal?

I’m a fan of e-mail forwards. They’re like a peephole into the superficial morality and oblivious self-centeredness of vast swaths of the public. Years ago I would tear through the Glurge Gallery (“glurge” is a specific kind of e-mail forward crafted to be a tearjerker but only achieves annoyance, like Christmas Shoes)  on Snopes.com, relishing them all like Santana DVX (every sip hits my lips like a landmine!).

I also loved other e-mail forwards, such as right-wing screeds against pretty much everything and everyone. I currently have more than five variations of “Atheist Professor Gets Owned by Faithful Student” rotting in my inbox as we speak. It’s highly recommended, if you start to entertain the notion that Republicans don’t hate you, to revisit Snopes’  Inboxer Rebellion or My Right-Wing Dad and get a refresher course in the psyche of teabaggers.

That being said, e-mail forwards are only to be enjoyed ironically. Genuine appreciation is a warning sign of a serious flaw as a person. But producing and marketing e-mail forward songs? It is too incredible, too monstrous; such things can never be in this quiet world.

I thought the world learned this lesson when John Michael Montgomery released “The Little Girl.” Apparently not.

I think now is the time to lay down the law: if you draw inspiration from a glurge e-mail forward, you are hereby banned from the artistic community. You are a persona non grata, an untouchable. You should be forced to walk around with some sort of heavy and brightly-colored visual marker so others know not to associate with you. I’m thinking something like a copper birdcage encasing your head, with a flag coming out the top. After a period of time, you will be shot into the sun.

It’s a fitting punishment, don’t you think?

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