I was zoning out in front of the boob tube when I saw a commercial for what may be one of the best reality shows ever made. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Pit Boss.
Speaking of reality shows, I think I’ll take this opportunity to pitch some of my show ideas to you, the readers:
Jon and Kate Plus Nobody: I’m sick of all these Octomoms and Quiverfulls getting on the human litter gravy train. How about a dedicated child-free couple instead? Thrill as they are confronted by complete strangers and family over their decision to not have kids! Fret when Kate encounters pharmacists that refuse to do their jobs and fill her birth control prescription! Feel their pain when their mothers go over the deep end and buy some of those creepy-looking “Reborn” dolls!
Fat-Fetishist Motorcycle Runaway Rescuers: If there’s one thing these dreadlocked guys love more than Harleys and hefties, it’s rescuing teenage runaways from the streets. Now in HD!
Toys in Babeland: The Series: I bet the folks who run Babeland would make an awesome reality show as they host workshops, attend events, confront weird customers, and wrestle with city ordinances. What is Babeland? If you’re over 18 and not at work, google it. Any other high-end shop of that nature can fill in if Babeland can’t do it.
Naked Idealism: Follows the daily lives of nude protesters. Why not?
Holey Man: Lance McHewge is a youth minister, bounty hunter and a modern day Renaissance Man; and he won’t let the fact that he’s covered head to toe in disgusting open sores stop him! You may be able to fit your fist into his abdominal cavity, but you can’t fit him in a square hole!
Society Mythbusters: Breaks down basic sociology for the masses. Every week they take on one of society’s mores: the Beauty Myth, privilege, human psychology, etc. At the end of every episode they blow up cement trucks.
22 Pound Teen: Does Discovery Health ever do shows about deathly ill anorexic and bulimic people like they do morbidly obese ones? If not, then they should, just to be fair. You can have 22 Pound Teen, 22 Pound Woman, 22 Pound Man, 22 Pound Man and Woman Plus Eight, 22 Pound Man and Woman Who Rescue Pit Bulls…
Bipartisan Health Care Reform: Turns out the Dems kept on compromising with Blue Dogs and Republicans until the final bill plays out like this: If you get sick, you and twenty other lazy good-for-nothings are released into a forested arena and given an hour head start before the hunters show up. What follows is a televised Most Dangerous Game Scenario. If you survive, congratulations! Your health costs will be covered by the arena organizers. If you were culled, well, you were probably a leech on the system anyway. You should have been more responsible and not gotten leukemia.
Steven Seagal: Lawman: Watch as an oblivious aging former action star makes a joke of himself as he plays cop for real– wait, they already made that? Nevermind.
Man, you remember when these channels had old National Geographic documentaries and stuff? What fools we were!