Tell me if this has happened to you- you’re wandering around the Barton County fair, minding your own business, when you pass this booth and a guy suddenly pops into your field of vision. “You wanna hear the story of the Wordless Book?”
You figure, why not, the words are the sucky tedious parts of the reading experience, right? So he ushers you in, but alas! Turns out he’s an evangelical Christian; and his wordless book actually has a whole lot of words that you’ve already heard before and don’t really care to hear again. What a rip-off!
It’s not a bad experience, if you like suffocating in awkward silence while a dude lectures you and tries to get your name and home address. But when the fair comes around again, you’ll know what’s coming. Why not have some fun?
1. DRESS APPROPRIATELY
I was wearing my little Evolvefish necklace, which you can’t really distinguish from a normal fish unless you look closely. When we got situated in our chairs, I was treated to a magnificent “oh sh!t” face. I love that face.
Also, the most important thing to wear is a smile. This makes him even more uncomfortable.
2. SMARTASS ANSWERS
Your main artillery. Go nuts.
“Do you know what the gold stands for?”
“…Sweden? Beautiful lusty Swedes with silky blond hair?”
“No, it stands for heaven! It stands for the streets of gold!”
3. CHALLENGE HIS BIBLICAL KNOWLEDGE
Don’t be intimidated, it’s actually quite easy! The most obvious goof my guy made was this:
“Blah blah blah and Satan tempted Adam and Eve as a serpent…”
“Wait, I thought the Devil and the serpent were two separate entities?”
“…no, the Devil was disguised as the serpent…”
“Where does it say that? Show me the verse that says the serpent was the devil.” (FUN FACT: There isn’t one, except for Revelations 20:2 which is vague and could easily be interpreted otherwise.)
“I don’t know the exact verse, but it’s in there! I read it!”
4. QUESTION THE COLOR SYMBOLISM:
Being anal is key!
“The black is your heart before you accept Jesus!”
“I’d be worried if my heart was that black. That’s some necrosis sh!t right there.”
“And when you accept Jesus, your heart will be pure and white!”
“Wait, shouldn’t that be on the Red page? What the hell? Who thought this up, Jesse Helms?”
5. WHEN HE’S DONE, SWITCH PLACES AND MAKE UP YOUR OWN STORY:
You gotta be quick, this is where he tries to shuffle you out:
“We start on the Gold, which symbolizes Hulga, the golden haired winner of the Tri-State Nazi Beauty Pageant. She becomes disgusted with her family’s beliefs so on the Green page she becomes a hippie and runs off to Alaska. On the White page she befriends a polar bear named Reba. On the Black page they move to Juno, and become the city’s dark saviors, Bear-Girl and Girl-Bear, who proceed to cleanse the city with blood on the Red page. And so it begins…”