Joplin Globe Madness: GET IN MA BELLAH

Calzones may be one of the most delicious and tempting of pizza products, but nutritionists warn that both their health value and political ideologies are complete garbage.

Take for example Ron Calzone, the cheesy meat pastry who serves as state coordinator of Citizens in Charge Animal Abuse Apologists R Us, who’s arguing for a repeal of Prop B. His argument? By telling people not to churn out animals like morels, we are infringing upon their (Missouri) constitutional rights. I imagine the make-puppies-live-in-their-own-feces right is covered in Amendment Eleventeen, which also covers smoker’s rights.

Put another way, the people lack jurisdiction to limit a breeder to 50 breeding dogs because such limits amount to a limitation on one’s right to earn a living — “the pursuit of happiness and the enjoyment of the gains of their own industry.”

According to this, Missouri should be a lawless libertarian paradise a la Somalia. You hear that, John Putnam? Stop bitching about porno shops- they’re entitled to enjoy the gains of their own industry!

Ditto goes the war on drugs! Woo! Free meth for everybody!

Maybe now you can fulfill your dream of opening up an unaccredited medical clinic in your basement. After all, who are out-of-touch liberal voters to say you have to have a medical degree before you start fondling people’s naughties? Maybe now John Putnam can get the prostate massage he so desperately needs.

By the way– you notice how the only time rightwingers remember the “tyranny of the majority” is when a majority of people think their business practices are immoral? It’s similar to how the only time they’re concerned for how policies affect their grandchildren is when OMG TAXES.

It’s almost like their only concern in the entire fegging world…is money. WWJD?


Also hey! Did you know prop B was on the Daily Show last night?


2 Responses to “Joplin Globe Madness: GET IN MA BELLAH”

  1. 1 Calvinist of the Ozarks
    November 12, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    All I want is driving directions to the free medical clinic and the free meth.

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