08
Mar
11

Rock Me Sexy Jesus

Except for Ignite, maybe. You should totally buy this shirt, btw!*

So apparently there’s a wee Joplin church that decided to cut human sexuality a little slack in its ad campaign for its joyless anti-sex religion. This has aggravated normal practitioners of the joyless anti-sex religion, who have the impression that an ideal world is a world of sexless neuters and stupid kids.

“People bring their kids to Sonic and their kids are going to look at that sign and say, ‘Mommy what’s that mean?’ and, oh my God, and then that parent has to explain,” Warren said.

Oh no, you’ll have to explain something to your kids! How could this church rob your delusion that keeping reality from your child for as long as possible is a good thing and that kids won’thear about sex from other kids before they even reach kindergarten children of their innocence? What’s next? Condom commercials during our gory police procedural shows?

Seriously, if you don’t want to explain sex to your kids, here’s a suggestion. Get a cat, get it fixed, and don’t have kids until you grow a pair. (“A pair of what, Mommy?” OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE)

A hearty huzzah to Ignite for taking the first baby step towards having a healthy attitude towards sex. Isn’t it sad, though, that I’m giving a cookie to someone for merely acknowledging that sex exists and isn’t an evil, dirty thing?

Then I remember that this is a region where people freak out over National Geographic.**

* This shirt is available here.
**Holy crap, have you seen this month’s issue? They have an article on domesticated foxes. No word on naked people, but I can’t wait to buy it nonetheless.
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6 Responses to “Rock Me Sexy Jesus”


  1. March 8, 2011 at 3:20 am

    Oh no, you’ll have to explain something to your kids!

    My sentiments exactly. Of course, I can’t imagine a little kid looking beyond the Sonic Playground to read a web address and inquire about it… If a kid can read, then they should know what sex is by then. If not, you’re always ok to keep them in the dark and say, “That’s an adult sign sweetie.”

    Complicated isn’t it. I seen the news cast and laughed at that woman who trembled at the idea of having to explain something to a child about human behavior and life. Seems she might be a good candidate for their program.

  2. 3 Jeremiah
    March 8, 2011 at 6:13 am

    You obviously did not grow up in an evangelical Baptist church that embraced the “cool Christian” contemporary church service just as you hit your teenage years. There is nothing — and I mean NOTHING — worse than old people trying to “rap” at you about their sex lives in church. I have nightmares about my preacher telling me he “loves sex with his beautiful wife.” (Shudder.) I think they were secretly using reverse psychology to make teenagers hate sex.

    • March 8, 2011 at 5:41 pm

      Ew ew ew ew ew.

      That reminds me of my +50 old abstinence teacher in high school, bragging about all the weird places her husband boffs her (within the holy confines of marriage, natch).

      I didn’t want to picture that woman in the kitchen stick with her legs over her head. But school is a cruel place.

  3. March 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    @Jeremiah LOL Very sorry to hear that.

  4. 6 Calvin and Luther Can Kick Your Atheist Behind.
    April 3, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Another example of a “seeker sensitive church”(aka heretical) doing a job that the church was never intended for.


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