Johnny Kaje is on vacation, so once again conservative blogger Susie Anklelength is stepping in. Ms. Anklelength is a single mother currently studying for her Bachelor’s in Maverick Arts, with a minor in Punching Katie Couric in the Face. This is her second column for Kajed Heat.
I get a lot of grief from my neighbors about the way I decorate my house for Christmas.
I usually ask my neighbors why they should tell me how to decorate; after all, liberals don’t even celebrate Christmas. This usually brings forth their childish “Nuh-uhs,” “We-do-sos” and “We-go-to-the-same-church-you-do-every-Sunday,-we-sit-right-next-to-you-and-we-even-give-you-a-ride-what-the-hell-is-your-problem.” They keep this up until their worldview buckles under the weight of my logic.
For you see, my fellow conservatives are concerned with a “War on Christmas” that was actually won by liberals ages ago. What has this once great nation been duped into swallowing in the name of the yuletide season? You’ll be shocked. What you have been calling Christmas, should really be called Leftmas.
I remember when my son Seabiscuit came home from school and asked why we don’t have a Christmas tree like everyone else. Indeed, we don’t have a Christmas tree in our house, or any other sort of fruity evergreen foliage. My dad always said that if it’s green and doesn’t have a president or a camo pattern on it, it’s probably for hippies.
Any liberal will tell you that these plants are actually pagan traditions, and they’re pretty smug about it too. All this flora in your household encourages tree-hugging at best, and being ravished by antlered forest gods at worst. It’s win-win for liberals, and lose-lose for you; unless, of course, you simply refuse to cooperate with the mainstream.
Instead of putting our presents under a tree, we put them in a manger. On our door we have this hilarious gunshop caricature of Janet Reno instead of a wreath. In the doorway we hang purity rings instead of mistletoe, to remind people to be pure. (Especially Seabiscuit; I call him my Lil’ Abstinence Baby. I always take the time to remind him to be abstinent unless he wants to make the same mistake I did. I know it’s sinking in by how he shies from any human contact.) Finally, the Harry Potter craze may be over, but in my opinion the big hardcovers still make the best Yule Log substitutes.
Santa Claus: Socialism and Atheism
Not many people know how modern our perception of Santa Claus really is. He was created by FDR during his first 100 days in office, to ease children into accepting a communist way of life; first in the form of a jolly elf, moving on up to Big Brother. Did you think his red outfit was an accident? Before that, American children simply worked hard for their gifts. You worked overtime in the mill, and your boss would give you a Christmas bonus so you could buy whatever you want, like shoe polish to start your own business. With Santa Claus, however, kids no longer needed to participate in the economy; all they had to do was sit on their fannies and let Mommy and Daddy do the work.
Santa also functions as a gateway to atheism. You find out one omnipotent flying white guy is imaginary, pretty soon you’ll start finding out that all of them are. Ask your obnoxious atheist co-worker what got him down this track; as he downs his last drop of vodka, he’ll look at you with his hollow joyless eyes and mutter about the time he saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. “Was the Tooth Fairy really Mom? Were the disciples merely Daddy’s bowling buddies? Would he come home one day to find that Jesus was really Spike, his big sister’s scary boyfriend?” He will then collapse into tears and resume cutting his forearms.
What’s a mother to do? I simply tell Seabiscuit the truth. I tell him that Santa is really Satan in disguise, and he tries to tempt you down the path of ruin by keeping you idle and complacent with free gifts. I tell him that if he wants anything for Christmas, he needs to work for it. Clean the house, sweep the chimney, give Mommy a foot rub from time to time. After standing in line in the cold for hours to get me a copy of Going Rogue, someone’s going to be finding a brand new Super Nintendo in the manger this year!
Our nativity scene has Jesus and company in an inn, not in a barn like a homeless methhead. The disparagement of the innkeeper, thanks to the efforts of Conservapedia, has been revealed as extra-Biblical liberal bias against capitalism.
Like any good “green” movement, Leftmas turns kids into little Al Gores with subtle brainwashing. Santa’s Workshop is located at the North Pole, the perfect stage for global warming scaremongering. Who wants Santa’s elves to be stranded on a melting ice floe? And what of his reindeer? You don’t want to disrupt their flight patterns by drilling for oil, do you?
And what’s all this food drive and bellringer stuff? You know what they say, give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day, but teach him to fish, yadda yadda yadda. I usually just put a slip of paper that says “Get a job” in those buckets. Tell me- which do you think will feed a man more?
I’m sure there are more examples. Like I said before, the holiday has been completely saturated with leftist propaganda. At this point, my neighbors have simply given up in the face of my impenetrable arguments. Frustrated by being so thoroughly spanked in debate, they excuse themselves. Before they leave, I give them literature, and I tell them that even if they remain unconvinced, I’ll still wish them a Happy Kwaanzaa.
As for the rest of us, may your Christmas be merry and right!