Posts Tagged ‘Joplin Globe Madness



20
Oct
11

Joplin Globe Madness: The Descent of Dan

It’s been said that Dan Walters is one of the best Globe letter writers. By me, anyway. But his latest missive has left me underwhelmed. It’s basic form letter whining about PHAMRY VALUES, with just a dash of welfare bashing.

Hint hint, guys. Welfare not going to married people first is a “penalty” in the same way that having a gash on your arm and being treated after the guy with a rebar impaled through his head is a penalty. Married people tend to be more financially secure then those who aren’t.

It’s just boring boring boring. He needs to crank up the venom, like in his old letters. I appreciate the passive aggressive addressing of the Globe editorial staff as fancy big word users with college book learnin’ in the fourth paragraph, but it’s not enough. I hope he’s not mellowing with age. I need something to chew on.

Hey! Maybe you can take up my chewing slack in the fancy new Globe comments system. Yeah, it’s old news by now but whatever. The Globe finally got rid of the fucking anonymous comment system. Yay! Thanks guys!

Can I make a suggestion though? Can you make the new comment apps mobile friendly? I do pretty much all my intertubing by phone now. I’d appreciate it mucho.

13
Oct
11

Joplin Globe Madness: Don Ray Am the 53%

Don Ray has just noticed that the precious widdle left is “stirring up trouble!” Which he then goes on to say is threatening to unravel the very fabric of America, after going out of his way to be as patronizing as possible. Like toddlers who throw crayons on the floor, if the crayons were made of anthrax and the floor was a nuclear missile launch button.

I’m guessing Mr. Ray is not part of the 1%, but rather the 53%. That’s the part of the 99% that loves sucking corporate cock. Their movement is summed up thusly:

(If you don’t get the reference, here:)

07
Sep
11

Joplin Globe Madness: Rita Crowell’s Amazing Tennis Ball Trick

20110908-085716.jpg

image c/o Rawhead in the comments

 

Man, ever since the tornado, there hasn’t been much silliness in the Voices section. It’s become a chore to read, honestly. We got somebody thanking folks for helping clean up after the tornado, we got someone fretting about the economy, we got Rita Crowell complaining about sacrilegious tennis balls, we got a old fellow complaining about wait a minute what was that?

Tennis balls make Jesus cry?

There was an article in The Joplin Globe this past month regarding a female artist who enjoyed tennis so much that she inserted tennis balls in a fanciful manner into her own paintings of classical art.

I would strongly urge her, and anyone else, not to insert anything to destroy or distort the integrity of any Christian religious painting.

To me, this is sacrilegious, irreverent and makes a mockery of God our creator, sustainer and redeemer.

You think that’s bad, you obviously haven’t seen what this lady does with ping pong balls.



																
12
Apr
11

Mary Cook Makes Me Think About Sex; Distracts Me

I know I said that I would do a review of the Creation Museum of the Ozarks. Well, fuck that. There’s a stupid letter that needs my attention.

Somebody agreed with Kathryn Jean Lopez on something, and that’s terrible. I don’t know which K-Lo article is being referred to, but they are all the same slut-shaming pro-rape  nonsense (from an unmarried and childless woman, natch) so it doesn’t matter.

I graduated in 1965, and no teen girl would have ever thought of wearing the revealing clothing that is allowed in schools today.

I bet they never would have thought of listening to Justin Bieber either. What’s your point?

These young girls do get the results they seem to be seeking — the attention of the male students — and it is definitely not in a positive way.

Actually, from my limited experience with young girl’s fashion (seeing as how I once was a young girl, albeit a very anti-fashion one), the result they want is the attention (and acceptance) of FEMALE students. At least the popular ones. Minor digression.

Wait, no, that’s not a minor digression. Why is it always assumed that we always do things for the benefit of guys? Even little kids, uncorrupted by feminazi brainwashing, have lives of their own. Maybe it’s for boys, maybe it’s for their own benefit, maybe it’s to show that snotty Suzie Heinman in Mr. Wright’s class who is what.

Continue, sillybuns:

When my husband and I saw the Tide commercial for the first time, we just looked at each other in disbelief. Selling the product was overshadowed by dad saying “no” to the short skirt to make the daughter aware that this attire was unacceptable.

But mom comes to the daughter’s rescue and essentially says, “What dad thinks doesn’t matter.” The daughter walks off with a smile on her face, and dad becomes the bad guy.

I haven’t seen the commercial in question, but I agree! How messed up is it to make one parent the bad guy?…

I also see mothers who show no self-respect for themselves by the revealing clothes they wear. They are not good role models for their impressionable daughters.

…oh.

My bad. I forgot it’s OK to make one parent the bad guy if it’s a woman. Be she schoolgirl or mother, women assume all responsibilities for other people’s behavior.

We humans are what we eat and become what we allow ourselves to be surrounded by.

We conclude with an out-of-place cliche that can only be assumed to be a cunnilingus joke. Good night everybody!

28
Jan
11

JGM: Knights?

Okay, okay, I know that the Theory of Rita-tivity implies that Gary L. Stewart’s letter can be immediately discounted due to agreeing with Rita Crowell. Still.

Talk show host Chuck Bates declared that the present statistic of daily abortions is 4,000. If this is true, it’s so sad.

Talk show hosts are always reliable! Does anyone know how to say “talk show host” in Latin? In the meantime I will dub this fallacy argumentum ad Mauryeum.

Also, everyone, please understand, if Congress does not repeal the health care bill, billions of dollars taken from us will be given to Planned Parenthood to pay for even more innocent lives to end. Innocent blood sacrificed to the god of Mammon or to the evil people who seem to hate human beings for whatever reason.

I know I beat this into the ground, but do anti-choicers ever freakin’ listen to themselves? Jeez.

Last November we put 80 more knights of good in place to defend our children and grandchildren. There is more hope for them than before.

About your “knights of good”…

— They’re OK with your children and granchildren being forced into marriage.

— They’re OK with your children and grandchildren being raped- as long as it’s not by force.

With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to “forcible rape.” This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible.

–They’re OK with your children and grandchildren dying of back alley abortions because they can’t access safe, legal ones. Like in Pennsylvania, which has a crazy amount of restrictions.

— They’re OK with your children and grandchildren dying in wars, dying because of a lack of health care, being poisoned by industiral pollution, exploited by corporations, and so on and so on…

Your knights will not only not defend your children and grandchildren after they are born, they will wage war against them.

22
Jan
11

JGM: 13 Letters About One Thing

Do you think that Don E. Corder just tacks on a soundbite for intelligent design at the end of every conversation in real life?

“One box of Cocoa Puffs…will you be paying with cash or credit today, sir?”

“Yep. I’m coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs today. Like Sonny, my rational (ordered) mind is often swayed by emotional (disordered) lapses.”

“….o…kaaaay…I’m more of a Trix fan myself…”

“Those kids in the commercials really need to open their minds a little. Explore the possibilities. Scientists will dissect dead rabbits and say sugary cereal isn’t any good for them. With us simple folk, we know that good food is meant to be enjoyed.”

“Riiiiiight…$9.53 is your change. You have a good day, sir!”

“You too!…


…teach intelligent design in schools!”

———————————–

Meanwhile, someone’s complaining about animals again! We always appreciate your input, Burne-

-wait, Ed Goebel?!?

This is an unacceptable breach into Burney Johnson’s domain of rabid, obsessive specisim. I recommend that he sneak into Ed’s territory and pee on something that belongs to him. Like a chair or something. That’ll put him in his place, the way God intended.

05
Jan
11

Oh Hey! Joplin Expats is Back!

Yaaaaaaaaaaayy!

 

…yeah, that’s all I wanted to say.

 

Go read it!




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