Posts Tagged ‘woo


This is what they mean by “infringing on religious liberty.”

(Crossposted at my Tumblr)

I’m arguing with this guy on facebook. And then this happened.

Fun fact: the day prior he interviewed me for his comparative religion class. I have a feeling I won’t be presented fairly.


A Dissection of the Southwest Missouri Butterfly Angel

Field sketch of the Butterfly Angel

Field sketch by an eyewitness. Note the prettiness.

Courtesy of Joplin Expats, I am delighted to reveal a scientific breakthough in Magical Flying People Research. I present, without further ado, the discovery of Lepidopterapithicus joplinia — the Southwest Missouri Butterfly Angel.

After the tornado passed over them, the mother asked her daughter if she was OK.

The little girl said she was and said to her mother,

“Wasn’t it pretty?”

Her mother asked her what she meant.

She replied that she saw a lot of butterfly people.

“Did you see the butterfly people in the sky?  They were carrying people in the sky.”

They were going into the sky with people and there were a lot around the two of them.

Besides the butterfly story about the mother and child taking safety in a ditch, I have heard of two more.

This is not the only report, and if anything has any truck in science, it’s numerous heartwarming anecdotes.

I am forced to retract my  previous hypothesis, when I stated that only bird-winged magical flying white people made sense.

This is now inaccurate. The new updated chart will cost you $250.

Descriptions vary, from just being “big butterflies” to butterfly people proper. We can assume that they have shapeshifting powers. No size range is given, although if they’re carting folk into the sky, they must be of considerable size and strength, far surpassing any known flying creature (with the exception of the roc and Superman, of coursen). The jury is out on what relation Butterfly Angels have, if any, to the fairy folk (Homa fata).

Their behavior doesn’t seem too dissimilar from the traditional Hallmarkian angel: they are prone to selecting certain arbitrary people from the wrath of their vengeful employer. More research is required to explain why some people are selected for salvation while others are given the shaft. Perhaps their antenna can detect gullibility, like how some bloodsucking insects can detect cholesterol levels. They seem to breed in turbulent atmospheric conditions. If they are anything like normal angels, their growth is fueled by ringing bells, shafts of sunlight, the laughter of happy families, and small field rodents.

This is a revolutionary new step in Thaumaturgical Ornithothropology. As soon as I get both an expedition team and my tornado engine put together, more revelations will be forthcoming.

Alas, butterfly angels have nobody to save THEM from neither natural disasters nor underpaid lab assistants.


Are You Ready To Be Touched By JesusWeen?

I think a rock might actually be preferable.

I’m always amused by the efforts of insecure Christians to try and replace the second most popular American holiday with one where it’s acceptable to give children Chick Tracts instead of Reese’s Cups. “Trunk or treats!” “Harvest parties!” “Creation Parties!” The efforts are all as scattershot as they are laughably boring.

I think they’ve finally hit gold, though. Ladies and gentlemen, I present JesusWeen.

JesusWeen is a non profit organization also known as JesusWin. We are focused on helping people live better lives through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. JesusWeen is a God-given vision which was born as an answer to the cry of many every October 31st. The dictionary meaning of Ween is to expect, believe or think.

It’s also the name of a band that people keep trying to make me listen to. The more you bug me about it, the less likely I am to listen. Maybe Ween needs a holiday to spread the word about themselves. Call it WeenWeen.

Every year, the world and its system have a day set aside (October 31st) to celebrate ungodly images and evil characters while Christians all over the world participate, hide or just stay quiet on Halloween day. Being a day that is widely acceptable to solicit and knock on doors, God inspired us to encourage Christians to use this day as an opportunity to spread the gospel. The days of hiding are over and we choose to take a stand for Jesus. “Evil prevails when good people do nothing”. JesusWeen is expected to become the most effective Christian outreach day ever and that is why we also call it” World Evangelism Day”.

Oh wow! They really are just putting Bibles in kid’s candy sacks. Way to ween one for Jesus. In the meantime, I will be enjoying my ungodly images and evil characters. At least they don’t skimp on the Reese’s Cups.


Joplin Globe Madness: Rita Crowell’s Amazing Tennis Ball Trick


image c/o Rawhead in the comments


Man, ever since the tornado, there hasn’t been much silliness in the Voices section. It’s become a chore to read, honestly. We got somebody thanking folks for helping clean up after the tornado, we got someone fretting about the economy, we got Rita Crowell complaining about sacrilegious tennis balls, we got a old fellow complaining about wait a minute what was that?

Tennis balls make Jesus cry?

There was an article in The Joplin Globe this past month regarding a female artist who enjoyed tennis so much that she inserted tennis balls in a fanciful manner into her own paintings of classical art.

I would strongly urge her, and anyone else, not to insert anything to destroy or distort the integrity of any Christian religious painting.

To me, this is sacrilegious, irreverent and makes a mockery of God our creator, sustainer and redeemer.

You think that’s bad, you obviously haven’t seen what this lady does with ping pong balls.


A Trip To the Creation Museum of the Ozarks

The Creation Museum of the Ozarks

You remember how Branson is Las Vegas for Ned Flanders? Well, not yet. It’s missing a crucial component– a multi-million-dollar salmon-colored temple of lies. Enter Rod Butterworth:

This is really God’s vision, not mine. In the summer of 2007 I visited several dinosaur museums in different states (including one in Branson, Missouri) that were totally evolutionary in philosophy. One day in September 2007 I was literally meditating about this while resting and it suddenly came to me like a vision from heaven—Branson needs a creation museum.

And thus, the seed for the Creation Museum of the Ozarks was planted.

Are Christians even supposed to meditate? Anyway, they got incorporated and got concept drawings up, but they only got an actual museum up just recently, in nearby Strafford. Somebody in the Joplin Freethinkers forwarded this news to everybody, and I was like “OMG OMG OMG WE GOTTA GO.”

I called ahead to see if they were open, and while that was the case, it seems Dr. Butterworth wasn’t going to be there that day. His assistants would guide us through. He didn’t ask our group name, so I didn’t mention it.

Saturday came, and a whopping three of us headed to Strafford. We got there about 25 minutes before it opened, so we had a look around. Oh boy. I realized this wouldn’t be as fun as I had thought.

The interior

Calling the current location a hole in the wall would be getting your expectations up. Try a dent in a very steep incline. It’s a tiny little office space sandwiched between two other buildings. The windows were littered with Jurassic Park decals and vinyl toy dinosaurs. I secretly praise the indifferent universe that more members didn’t make the trip, for I smelled disappointment on the horizon. Either that, or it was the “Kuntry-Fied Cafe” across the street. Disappointment smells like delicious greasy spoon food; it’s an easy mistake.

To further compound the awkwardness, the two assistants that accepted us were super nice, cheery and gracious. They were completely unlike Dr. Sharp and other professional creationists I’ve met, who usually treat everyone around them like a mark. Our snark glands deflated, and we settled for biting our tongues as we were given the grand tour.

Different, Fake Evidence for a Different View

The mantra of this museum is the same as the big one in Kentucky- “same evidence, different views.” “We all work from the same evidence,” our guide told us, “we just have different ways of interpreting it.” Which is true, somewhat. Scientists go at things from an empirical, naturalistic perspective. Creationists make shit up. I’m not exaggerating; every single piece of evidence on display was either a blatant misinterpretation, an outright hoax, or wishful thinking.

Our guides showed us this evidence that the scientific community supposedly ignored. They wish. We had Ica stones, the London Artifact, polystrate fossils, the chameleon art that Dr. Sharp was hawking, T-Rex “blood cells“, the “living fossils disprove evolution” fallacy, the “monsters like Nessie and the Thunderbird prove that evolution is false even though those animals haven’t been proven to exist and are probably bullcrap anyway but wevs” canard. All items on display, all previously debunked or irrelevant from the start.

There was one I hadn’t seen before that caught my attention. It was a man/dino footprint from the Paluxy River in Texas. If you follow the topic, you already know about Paluxy’s infamous hoaxes, but our guide beat us to the punch. He admitted that most of them were phonies, but this one looks like the real deal! It even says on the printout-“verified by spiral CT scan!” Yet the evolutionists won’t let this information out to the public!

It caught my attention, because this is what the *coughcough* fossil looks like:

It’s not often a dinosaur print resembles a Lucky Charms marshmallow shape. Here’s a graphic for those of you not attuned to the fact that animal tracks aren’t normally flat and cartoony looking.

By "prepared a graphic" I mean "screencapped my Powerpoint." Don't hate.

When I got home I whipped out my google o’ nine tails and found out I wasn’t the first evolutionist to cover-up and ignore this thing. In creationist parlance, “covering up” is jargon for “looked at and dismissed as the obvious fake it was.” So creationists tried to salvage a source of bogus artifacts by presenting an even more bogus artifact. That works, I guess.

Did Not Do the Research

No. No, it is not a lemur.

Along with the humbug and fallacies and strawberry Newtons (yum!) were a lot of mistakes that seem to have been made out of sheer laziness. Fossils were misidentified, names were mispronounced, theories that haven’t seen the light of day since the late 70’s (hello, swamp-dwelling hadrosaurs!) were touted as current mainstream consensus.

“But but but,” you say, “scientists make mistakes all the time! You’re always harping about how that’s your biggest strength!” Ah, but there’s a difference, which was demonstrated to us when we reached the subject of hominids.

In 2009, scientists uncovered  remains of an early hominid called Ardipithicus. There was an ensuing media frenzy, and it turns out that it wasn’t as closely related to us as hyped. It’s still closer to us than chimps, though. Still an ape. Still a hominid. Our guide, however, told us that Ardi was debunked as “just a lemur.” That’s a little beyond laziness. It’s almost as if they’re deliberately lying to make the other side look bad. In science, mistakes are bugs in the system and are weeded out. In creationism, it’s a feature that’s selected for. That’s the difference between the two sides. That, and we have better taste in music.

Perhaps I protest too much though. These people believe in fire-breathing dinosaurs.

The Puzzling Possibility of Parasaurolophus Pyrotechnics

Remember when Dr. Sharp failed to deliver that doozy last time? Well, Dr. Butterworth and company came through, so eat it Sharp! We were escorted to the back to watch the above video, after which our guide elaborated on the remarkable abilities of Parasaurolophus.

Parasaurolophus. Not depicted: burninatin' the peasants.

Parasaurolophus was a lambeosaur, which is a duckbill dinosaur with a funky-ass head crest. After much theorizing and study, most scientists now think the crest was used to produce sounds. They even reconstructed the sound with computer models.

But some creationists, spearheaded by Duane Gish, like to think it stored hot chemicals in his head and shot it out in self defense, like how the modern day bombardier beetle shoots it out of its butt. Therefore fire-breathing. Therefore dragons. Therefore Jesus.

These guys get facts about the bombardier beetle and their own Biblical monsters wrong all the time– I challenge you to Google them yourselves, since I’m getting hyperlink fatigue– but everyone everywhere is mum on the possibility that Parasaurolophus could do this. Could it? I love dinosaurs, but I’m not an accredited Parasaurolophus expert. So I called someone who is.

I contacted Dr. Thomas Williamson, curator of the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science. You remember that Parasaurolophus sound reconstruction? He was behind that. I asked him if it was even possible.

“Wow,” he said, “that’s one I haven’t heard before.” Don’t blame me, man. Blame the evolutionist conspiracy.

Dr. Williamson politely disagrees. There’s no living analog of an animal with a bombardier-like ability to shoot hot liquid death out its honker, he told me. The crest was a thin structure and there was no evidence of any chemical-spewing bits. Most damning of all, however, was the fact that this crest was part of the respiratory tract. Inhaling toxic chemical residues doesn’t sound like evidence of good design to me.

But hey, science changes all the time. Perhaps when the CMOTO gets their funding they can use their spiral CT scans and make their own damn Parasaurolophus burnination simulation.

Computer reconstruction of fire-breathing Parasaurolophus. Verified by spiral C-T scan.

Winding Down

After the video was over, we were itching to end the awkwardness of the whole affair. We thanked our hosts, helped ourselves to some free literature, said goodbye to the Madagascar hissing cockroaches and made tracks to the nearby pizza joint. We felt dirty, and a little bit dumber, and I personally felt a little jealous because that rinkydink tourist trap had more Carnegie figures than I do (I collect those). A trip to the Springfield zoo helped us recoup.

Hopefully, if and when they get their big building, we’ll make another trip, and this time we won’t feel like schmucks.

Or better idea– we could just go to a real science institution instead. Like the nearby Dinosaur Walk in Branson!

This Thursday I’ll be presenting an even more laborious Powerpoint presentation at the Joplin Freethinkers meeting! It’ll be at Southwest Missouri Bank, Zora and Rangeline. 6:30 pm! Be there!

EDIT: Sweet bouncing baby Buddha! PZ Myers gave me a plug! Greetings Pharyngula readers!


Yet Another Lame-O Comic

My comic class final below the jump. Rated NSFW for tiresome anti-theistic sentiment, language, nudity, and dirty linework.

Guaranteed not to be as bad as the Holocaust.

Continue reading ‘Yet Another Lame-O Comic’


Hands Off Regulating Business…Unless It’s A Freaky Weirdo Business

"...and I want it to say 'I Believe' underneath!"

The Globe has an article today about tattoo regulations that made me do a double take.

The owners of local tattoo shops say they are in favor of a state proposal to increase licensing fees for tattoo artists, as long as the additional revenue is used to enforce health rules aimed at improving public safety in their industry.

How sad is it that a business owner gladly accepting an increase in costs for the greater good is more surprising to me than the fact that creationists are willing to believe in unicorns?

It keeps the riffraff out,” [Body Accents owner Mike Rowland] said. “If you’re a professional shop, it shouldn’t bother you at all. What we really need is to get rid of all these people doing it in houses.

How many responsible dog breeders said something like this when Prop B was on the ballot? Perhaps they knew, or suspected, that they weren’t as professional as all that?

Anyway, I bopped on over to the comments section. Surely the stalwart champions of capitalism are howling in outrage?

Well, they are howling. They’re always howling. Globe comment threads are less like a forum and more like the area of a coliseum where they keep all the enraged exotic beasts.

chuck wrote:
These are the kind of fees that they need to raise. Leave my property taxes and sales taxes alone they are already high enough.

Yep, it’s OK to regulate THOSE businesses.

Does not matter whether you pay on the front side or the backside as most of these jailhouse ‘ink freaks’ will end up in custody and doing time at taxpayer expense, not to mention they won’t be allowed burial in a consecrated Jewish cemetery.

Crap! Who doesn’t want to be buried in a consecrated Jewish cemetery? That was my backup in case my wish to be stuffed and mounted in the Bass Pro Museum got tangled in legal snafus. Gotta revise my will, brb.

It cracks me up that some people still think getting a tattoo is “freakish”. Dumb, maybe, not your bag, maybe, but freakish? One third of twenty-something Americans have one. It’s well on the way to joining video-game-brainwashed school shooters and backwards rock albums in the graveyard of moral freakouts. But then again, a good proportion of Americans are willing to believe in unicorns.

Yeah, I’ve linked to that article twice in an unrelated blogpost. I just can’t get over it though. This stupid goomba believes in freaking unicorns and has thousands of people clinging to his every mouthfart. I digress.

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