Me and the fella are having a blast coming up with names for Newt’s moon base/state.
NEWT-GINIA
GINGRICHISTAN
MOON UNIT NEWTA
28
Jan
12
Newt Wants to Go to Space
This is the same guy who did this awesome painting I used for joke purposes here.
Like a true artist, he realizes that you can’t expect people to interpret the damn thing correctly and explains every single facet of it with the help of CSS magic.
Also, the man who represents everyone in America is a white dude of course. If we’re going by statistics he should be about 63.7% non-Hispanic white. Also he should be mostly chick.
25
Jan
12
A Plea to the Minnesota Atheists
The religious often accuse atheists and other reality-based folk of being emotionless half-Vulcans, incapable of appreciating art and beauty.
This billboard by the Minnesota Atheists does not help our case.
I will convert just so I can say DEAR GOD MY EYES
Being an underemployed graphic designer, this kind of infuriates me. I would love to do an atheist billboard mockup. Pay is preferred, of course, but I have volunteered my services for atheist and political causes in the past. And I’m not the only one. Hell, a few months ago JT Eberhard had a contest for a Secular Safe Zone logo. He’s gotten a lot of entries and I certainly hope most of them aren’t as bad as this.
Even if you’re stingy with hiring a designer, there are options such as JT’s method. There’s really no excuse for this.
Rita wrote in today, but nobody cares. Not when there’s fresh meat around. Especially fresh meat that spews every non-grievance grievance into an incoherent jumble of white whining*?
Pardon me, "venting."
Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Miller does not whine. She vents.
She starts off whining about smoker’s rights. Now, I’m all for legal drugs and employee rights, and I go back and forth on smoking bans (on one hand: worker safety; on the other hand, smoking sections usually don’t have screaming kids), and I’ve got an eye for implied freedoms in the spirit of the Constitution.
That being said, there is no such thing as even implied smoker’s rights in the Constitution. Unless you interpret a cigarette as an arm you can bear. You can kill people with it, but it’s kind of a slow way isn’t it? I can appreciate you wanting to kill someone slowly and painfully, we all have days like that, but there’s a limit for Pete’s sake! That’s what God gave us Draino and opaque drinks for. I really wish the smoker’s lobby would change their terminology.
Anyway, she wants to be tolerated by employers. Just follow her example!
If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.
…Wow. I’m “subjected” to obese people every day. Depending on your definition of obese (which varies wildly), I’m sadly subjected to my fat ass every moment. Personally I’d rather be subjected to 100 obese people than one superficial self-absorbed wanker like Julia Miller. Unfortunately, I’m also subjected to Julia Millers every day too. Maybe we can get random catty jerk screenings at work?
Reflecting on fat people reminds her that there are other people who aren’t like her, and she totally unravels.
Like Mexicans and presidents!
We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”
And of course she’s a fucking stuck-up godbag as well. As Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. Also NO FAT CHICKS.”
Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.
Oh hey! Did you hear about Jessica Ahlquist, Julia Miller? Did you hear how her side totally creamed yours in court? And how your side is totally shitting the bed, threatening her, griping like spoiled children…basically pulling a Julia Miller? And how nothing they can do can change the fact that they lost horribly?
I just thought you might like to hear that. I know I do.
Anyway! Don’t forget to tell us how persecuted white people are!
I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.
First off, if you’re glowing in the dark, that’s not Caucasian. That’s a bioluminescent deep-sea fish. You’re not even a fucking tetrapod. Stop meddling in human sociopolitics, fish.
Second off, as previously stated everywhere else, they do have white hetero pride days. They’re called EVERY DAY. Privilege! LEARN IT.
After taking a dig at people who use a word to describe their ethnicity and their nationality, but before the hilarious parting shot about immigration (please, somebody dig up this woman’s family tree and see if her ancestors came here “the right way”. As in not just showing up and claiming any Indian land you set foot on.), she concludes thus:
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons?
The true meaning of tolerance, it turns out, is “don’t be noticeably different than me and if you are, don’t challenge my privilege and assumptions. And don’t leave your house if you’re fat.”
Maybe we should make February “Chain Smoking Snotty White Wanker History Month.” I nominate Julia for the planning committee.
*Speaking of which, if you haven’t already you should go to whitewhine.com. It’s like this letter, only less consolidated.
Hey! Did you know some people don’t celebrate Christmas on the 25th, but on the very date you’re reading this post instead?
You should go to my store and get them this AlternaChristmas gift!
This gift is also ideal if you want to buy someone a bumper sticker, but don’t really want to humor their odious ideology!
29
Dec
11
White Guy Jokes
This is a crosspost from my Tumblr blog. Because 5 billion social platforms is never fucking enough. Feel free to add your own white guy jokes.
- Q: What’s the difference between a normal white guy and white trash?
- A: Who cares, they all fucking look alike.
- Q: What do you call it when a white guy gets a tax hike?
- A: The Holocaust.
- Q: Did you hear about the white guy who shot up a gym and killed a bunch of women?
- A: No one would date a nice guy like him.
- Q: What do you call a white guy who never ventures outside his worldview, parrots stuff you hear every day, and shits the bed when someone challenges the status quo?
- A: “Edgy”.
- Q: What’s the difference between Mary Shelley and a MGTOW?
- A: Mary Shelley mattered.
- Q: What do you call it when a white guy loses a video game?
- A: “Rape”.
- Q: How do you take a white guy’s freedom of speech away?
- A: Disagree with him.
- Q: What do you call it when there’s six white guys, a black guy, a Latina and a white woman in a room?
- A: Political correctness gone wild.
- Q: What if it’s eight white guys and just a black guy?
- A: Tokenism gone wild.
- What’s the difference between Michelle Obama and a white supremacist guy?
- Michelle Obama actually does something with her life.
- What do you call a white guy computer programmer with a cubicle job?
- A captain of industry.
—————
If you are offended by these, keep in mind that it’s all just joking, you humorless misogynazis.*
*This entire post is sarcastic, btw. Inspired by this comment thread at Pandagon.
Or until your homework is done.
I have often said that pro-rape folk are not pro-life, because their behavior is contrary to how one would expect people to act in opposition to a holocaust. Also most people know the obvious difference between an embryo and a baby, even subconsciously, but anyway.
I had clearly not seen the Until Abortion Ends campaign. I have severely underestimated the sacrifice these martyrs will make to end this genocide.
“We love taco bell, but its loss will remind us of the severity of abortion. We believe that some day we will take our children to taco bell in celebration of the illegalization of child-killing in America[…] Goodbye, for now, Taco Bell. But we will meet again.”
“I decided to no eat Chips till abortion ends! Fighting!”
“Happily depriving myself of COFFEE until babies are no longer deprived of LIFE!”
“I’ve always, always loved Butterfinger candy bars. In fact, to this day, my parents still send me Butterfinger candy bars for my birthday. But until abortion doctors get their grubby hands off of our unborn children, I won’t lay another finger on a Butterfinger.”
This is an actual screencap. These are actual people.
Giving up your personal first world vices, for a week at best, to protest the reproductive rights of others. Truly this is the Greatest-er Generation. Just look at all the people you’ve inspired with your martyrdom. Somebody call Hollywood.
"This can of Pringles. Why did I keep these Pringles? Ten more people. Ten more people."
These people (a lot of whom are kids, so they have some excuse) actually think that anyone gives a damn about their New Year’s resolution-style protest. Which is not protest. A “protest” involves getting people to give a damn. Getting sprayed with firehoses is a protest. A hunger strike is a protest. Hell, a sternly-worded letter is a protest. Giving up red meat? That’s Lent.
Those people who shoot doctors, bomb clinics and terrorize people are complete scum, but give them this: at least they DO something.
This video says it all a lot better than I can.
Field sketch by an eyewitness. Note the prettiness.
Courtesy of Joplin Expats, I am delighted to reveal a scientific breakthough in Magical Flying People Research. I present, without further ado, the discovery of Lepidopterapithicus joplinia — the Southwest Missouri Butterfly Angel.
After the tornado passed over them, the mother asked her daughter if she was OK.
The little girl said she was and said to her mother,
“Wasn’t it pretty?”
Her mother asked her what she meant.
She replied that she saw a lot of butterfly people.
“Did you see the butterfly people in the sky? They were carrying people in the sky.”
They were going into the sky with people and there were a lot around the two of them.
Besides the butterfly story about the mother and child taking safety in a ditch, I have heard of two more.
This is not the only report, and if anything has any truck in science, it’s numerous heartwarming anecdotes.
I am forced to retract my previous hypothesis, when I stated that only bird-winged magical flying white people made sense.
This is now inaccurate. The new updated chart will cost you $250.
Descriptions vary, from just being “big butterflies” to butterfly people proper. We can assume that they have shapeshifting powers. No size range is given, although if they’re carting folk into the sky, they must be of considerable size and strength, far surpassing any known flying creature (with the exception of the roc and Superman, of coursen). The jury is out on what relation Butterfly Angels have, if any, to the fairy folk (Homa fata).
Their behavior doesn’t seem too dissimilar from the traditional Hallmarkian angel: they are prone to selecting certain arbitrary people from the wrath of their vengeful employer. More research is required to explain why some people are selected for salvation while others are given the shaft. Perhaps their antenna can detect gullibility, like how some bloodsucking insects can detect cholesterol levels. They seem to breed in turbulent atmospheric conditions. If they are anything like normal angels, their growth is fueled by ringing bells, shafts of sunlight, the laughter of happy families, and small field rodents.
This is a revolutionary new step in Thaumaturgical Ornithothropology. As soon as I get both an expedition team and my tornado engine put together, more revelations will be forthcoming.
Alas, butterfly angels have nobody to save THEM from neither natural disasters nor underpaid lab assistants.
This is an embarrassing comic, and not just because of the shitty Photoshop filters. It also exposes a nasty little secret of mine. I hastily drew this when I was in college to convey what social anxiety is like. It’s basically like every moment of your life, with few exceptions, is a job interview where the potential employer, receptionist and janitor are giving you the stinkeye the whole time. Also you’re onstage at the Apollo. The whole time.
“Interesting, if TMI disclosure about your mental illness. Now what does this have to do with Skepticon?”, you ask.
Yeah, I’m not going to do slides of my trip to Skepticville after all. Sorry. Just going to talk about feelings and such.
I attended Skepticon for the creation museum field trip on Friday, and the first day of talks. And I had personal goals to accomplish:
- Give out business cards (say, have you visited my store? It’s ace, and skeptic friendly!)
- Make friends and don’t be an avoidant dope. I refer to this constantly as “schmoozing,” to make it sound less like a basic skill most normal people have and more like X-treme Advanced Socializing for the Master Social Engineer. Please bear with me. It’s my insecurity talking.
There were many high points, schmoozing-wise, at Skepticon, such as getting the nerve to chat with Joe Nickell and sending him on a wild Strafford chupacabra hunt (I hope it went well). I even got on that little video I posted previously. But you can’t force your brain to rewire, otherwise ex-gay therapy would work.
The hardest part was when I got myself invited to a secret dinner with some of the headliners. (Long story, but the short version: I just happened to have a car with empty seats at the right time). I drove some people to the location, and we were all gunning to go to this place, and we arrive and get some drinks…
And my brain completely shuts down. I should divulge my typical reaction to meeting up with someone I know peripherally.
Me: Oh hey! I know you! You’re that person I know off the internet!
Person I Know Off the Internet: Oh, hello!
Me: *CATASTROPHIC SOFTWARE FAILURE*
I then resort to pathetic attempts at tedious small talk, and hover around in the hopes that they will learn to love me via osmosis. This reaction I have doesn’t just apply to e-celebrities, but also anyone that I have met on Facebook or Twitter or e-mail. I want to leave, but I can’t. I just shut down and stew in an effort not to cry.
What’s ironic is that at this dinner I was sitting next to JT Eberhard. If only I had known. But his speech is Sunday evening. I go home Saturday.
—————–
On Thanksgiving night after Skepticon, I have a breakdown. It’s not unusual, but this is the first one I’ve had in front of my boyfriend. I didn’t want him to ever see this, but it was inevitable. That may be part of the reason I’ve never had a significant other until a few years after college.
I just goofed up big at my onstage-at-the-Apollo job interview. Here it comes, whatever “it” is.
It doesn’t come. One of the perks of having an awesome boyfriend is that he doesn’t tell you “you need to just get out more.” Don’t have to stew in silence anymore on that front.
Afterwards I notice JT’s talk is up on the internet. Me and the BF watch it together.
I tell the BF. “I’m crazy.”
I hear something I didn’t expect. “I’m crazy too.”
More crying, only it’s happy crying now. The imaginary Apollo audience goes “awwwww,” the imaginary receptionist averts her eyes and looks ashamed.
Skeptics know more than most how the human brain can betray you. They should take up JT’s word and start championing understanding of mental illness. Next year, I will not try to stew in silence.Who knows who else is trying to do the same thing you are.
I have social anxiety disorder.
I’m crazy. You might be crazy too.
And that’s OK.
24
Nov
11
Skepticon Ponies: The Final Hour
You know what I’m thankful for? I’m thankful that I got all these goddamn ponies done.
Darrel Raycehorse
David Fitzgeegee
I’m especially grateful to the ones who use iconic logos in their work. Instant cutie mark!
HePinto Mehta
Also, those rumored to be involved with babies somehow.
Elippizzaner Yudkowsy
I have no idea if this pun works or not. I think I went mad and just started lumping letters together.
Dan Bronco
Dan Barker is NOT jumping. In fact, he is in the middle of an epic pratfall that he hasn’t realized is happening yet.
Richard Carriage
Richard looks all hardcore. But I imagine anyone with Joss Whedon tattooed on their ass would.
Prancer Greenberg
I had never heard of this guy and didn’t get to attend his talk, so all I had was a small photo and a rumor that he liked tea. I hope to make up for my lack of knowledge by giving him badass steampunk wings.
Did I get everyone?
It's my pony, and I'm sick of puns. So Kaje it be.
If you recognize my cutie mark, I’m willing to bet that you did NOT play with My Little Pony when you were little. Unless you borrowed some for your dinosaurs to eat.
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